(Editor: This article was originally published for Father's Day 2006)
Father's Day is the worst. Every year, it's the same lame presents. Come on, you know what I am talking about!
If I never see another tie, cologne, BBQ set, belt, wallet socks, underwear, shirt, sweater or lame ass book, I will die happy. Listen up, guys and let me know if you agree with me. I think I have come up with some really novel gift ideas for dear old dad (other than the obvious stuff he really wants but I can't afford like a Porsche, the model girfriend or the giant flat screen tv).
Here's my picks for what to get the old man, depending on what type of Dad you have (together with some choice ad content from their vendors):
10. For the Dad With The Tight Wallet
Instant Beeper Alarm for Open Wallets "This... hi-tech Beeping Wallets can protect you against ...[losing your] money. The wallet beeps whenever anything is removed and continues to beep every 20 seconds to remind you to replace it. The beeping mechanism shuts off after 5 minutes." See it here
9. For the Dad That Always Keeps Score
Pee Goal "A trip to the gents may be relieving but now it can be exciting as well. With the new Pee Goals, you can practice your aim and you might even score...The Pee Goal consists of a green base, goal post and a little football on a string. Take aim, shoot and see if you can score a goal." See it here Thanks to Presurfer for the find.
8. For the Dad Who Keeps Asking You To Cut The Grass
The Mower "has evolved from three generations of high tech robots. It is state of the art and custom built to suit all mowing needs. The RCLM2006S comes with a wireless gas engine electric start. See it here
7. For the Dad Who is Always Stinking Up the Bathroom
Poop Odor Eliminator Pills Whiff reduces or eliminates poop odor by helping your body process and cleanse your poop's key odor-causing compounds. Whiff’s all-natural ingredients, used safely for centuries by Chinese and Native American herbalists, are specially blended for a healthier intestinal environment that lets you truthfully say, "My poop doesn't stink!"See it here
6. For the Dad Who Wants More Kids
You Try Being Knocked Up Simulator Pack "The Empathy Belly"® Pregnancy Simulator lets you know what it feels like to be pregnant! It is a multi-component, weighted "garment" that will -- through medically accurate simulation -- enable men, women, teenage girls and boys to experience over 20 symptoms and effects of pregnancy, including: Weight gain of 30 pounds (13.6 kg.) Fetal kicking and stroking movements Shallow breathing and shortness of breath Increased blood pressure, pulse and body temperature Bladder pressure and frequency of urination Low backaches; shift in center of gravity; waddling Fatigue, irritability, and much, much more!" See it here
5. For the Dad Who Keeps Scratching Himself
Gentlemen's Silver Ball Scratcher"...you can scratch your balls in style with this silver Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher. For times when you are alone, this superb invention, shaped and styled to a female hand, can precisely reach all nooks and crannies and allow you to scratch away ’til your balls are content.Or even in the office – this device is perfect. With a nine-inch handle people wont even see what you’re doing, as you ease the delicate hand beneath the desk and satisfy that urge...the ultimate itchy balls solution."See it here
4. For the Dad Who Is Quick to Start a Fight
Automatic Finger Flicking Lighter "Flip 'em the bird with this unique lighter. Push the igniter and this lighter not only produces a Green Flame,it also shouts out the phrase F%CK YOU Twice." See it here
3. For the Dad Who's Always Hiding His Beer
Hidden Beer Belly Storage Pack "Removable spare tire that serves your stealth beverage...Now you can take up to 80oz. of your favorite beverage wherever you go... Even where "they" don't want you to! The Beerbelly is made up of an insulated neoprene “sling” and a polyurethane “bladder” with a tube for dispensing. The bladder is held in an insulated pouch in the sling which is worn under your clothing for concealment. When worn, it looks just like a beerbelly, and stays cold for hours!" See it here
2. For the Dad Who's Always Adjusting Himself
Fur Cushioned Padded Nylon Panties for Men "These custom panties are terrific.I've lined the crotch in the softest furry fabric.They "FEEL" like Fluffy Yummy Marshmallow Clouds.Treat yourself today." See it here
1. For the Dad That Always Complains About How Far the Bar Is
Instant Inflatable Pub for His Back Yard
"The pub is 40ft long, 19ft wide and 22ft high. It can be customised for use as a fully working pub, with room for a bar and 30 customers. See it here
So what do you think? Did I pick some good ideas for stuff that Dad's REALLY need? What are you getting the old man for Father's Day?