Log in   •   Sign up   •   Subscribe  feed icon

10 Father's Day Gifts That Actually Make Sense 2006

(Editor: This article was originally published for Father's Day 2006)

Father's Day is the worst. Every year, it's the same lame presents. Come on, you know what I am talking about!

If I never see another tie, cologne, BBQ set, belt, wallet socks, underwear, shirt, sweater or lame ass book, I will die happy. Listen up, guys and let me know if you agree with me. I think I have come up with some really novel gift ideas for dear old dad (other than the obvious stuff he really wants but I can't afford like a Porsche, the model girfriend or the giant flat screen tv).

Here's my picks for what to get the old man, depending on what type of Dad you have (together with some choice ad content from their vendors):


10. For the Dad With The Tight Wallet

Instant Beeper Alarm for Open Wallets "This... hi-tech Beeping Wallets can protect you against ...[losing your] money. The wallet beeps whenever anything is removed and continues to beep every 20 seconds to remind you to replace it. The beeping mechanism shuts off after 5 minutes." See it here


9. For the Dad That Always Keeps Score

Pee Goal "A trip to the gents may be relieving but now it can be exciting as well. With the new Pee Goals, you can practice your aim and you might even score...The Pee Goal consists of a green base, goal post and a little football on a string. Take aim, shoot and see if you can score a goal." See it here Thanks to Presurfer for the find.


8. For the Dad Who Keeps Asking You To Cut The Grass

The Mower "has evolved from three generations of high tech robots. It is state of the art and custom built to suit all mowing needs. The RCLM2006S comes with a wireless gas engine electric start. See it here


7. For the Dad Who is Always Stinking Up the Bathroom

Poop Odor Eliminator Pills Whiff reduces or eliminates poop odor by helping your body process and cleanse your poop's key odor-causing compounds. Whiff’s all-natural ingredients, used safely for centuries by Chinese and Native American herbalists, are specially blended for a healthier intestinal environment that lets you truthfully say, "My poop doesn't stink!"See it here


6. For the Dad Who Wants More Kids

You Try Being Knocked Up Simulator Pack "The Empathy Belly"® Pregnancy Simulator lets you know what it feels like to be pregnant! It is a multi-component, weighted "garment" that will -- through medically accurate simulation -- enable men, women, teenage girls and boys to experience over 20 symptoms and effects of pregnancy, including: Weight gain of 30 pounds (13.6 kg.) Fetal kicking and stroking movements Shallow breathing and shortness of breath Increased blood pressure, pulse and body temperature Bladder pressure and frequency of urination Low backaches; shift in center of gravity; waddling Fatigue, irritability, and much, much more!" See it here


5. For the Dad Who Keeps Scratching Himself

Gentlemen's Silver Ball Scratcher"...you can scratch your balls in style with this silver Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher. For times when you are alone, this superb invention, shaped and styled to a female hand, can precisely reach all nooks and crannies and allow you to scratch away ’til your balls are content.Or even in the office – this device is perfect. With a nine-inch handle people wont even see what you’re doing, as you ease the delicate hand beneath the desk and satisfy that urge...the ultimate itchy balls solution."See it here


4. For the Dad Who Is Quick to Start a Fight

Automatic Finger Flicking Lighter "Flip 'em the bird with this unique lighter. Push the igniter and this lighter not only produces a Green Flame,it also shouts out the phrase F%CK YOU Twice." See it here


3. For the Dad Who's Always Hiding His Beer

Hidden Beer Belly Storage Pack "Removable spare tire that serves your stealth beverage...Now you can take up to 80oz. of your favorite beverage wherever you go... Even where "they" don't want you to! The Beerbelly is made up of an insulated neoprene “sling” and a polyurethane “bladder” with a tube for dispensing. The bladder is held in an insulated pouch in the sling which is worn under your clothing for concealment. When worn, it looks just like a beerbelly, and stays cold for hours!" See it here


2. For the Dad Who's Always Adjusting Himself

Fur Cushioned Padded Nylon Panties for Men "These custom panties are terrific.I've lined the crotch in the softest furry fabric.They "FEEL" like Fluffy Yummy Marshmallow Clouds.Treat yourself today." See it here


1. For the Dad That Always Complains About How Far the Bar Is

Instant Inflatable Pub for His Back Yard

"The pub is 40ft long, 19ft wide and 22ft high. It can be customised for use as a fully working pub, with room for a bar and 30 customers. See it here

So what do you think? Did I pick some good ideas for stuff that Dad's REALLY need? What are you getting the old man for Father's Day?

Comments
Jun 10, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Adding a Comment

Well, to anyone who would like to comment on this article, just click on "add new comment" at the end of this article, in tiny print right above the comment viewing options box.

Thanks

***

Jun 10, 2006
by EatMoreCarbs (not verified)

Heh, nice list. I love the

Heh, nice list. I love the remote controlled LawnMower. Dugg.

Jun 10, 2006
by Sir Lance A Lot (not verified)

Not Again! That's Not What Dad's REALLY Want!

FOR THE DAD:
(10) Considering an Extramarital Affair
-put your condoms inside the wallet
-secret wet pouch and adjustable beeper (2 minutes instead of 2 seconds) enables you to have a quickie
-con-demn yourself after you are all petered out

( 9) Who Loves Other Sports, Also Available In:
*Water Polo: if you're not afraid to get your third hand wet
-won't wipe away your wet dreams of being a pro
*Dart Board: insert dart-like missile into your body part opening, which becomes a jet-streamed penile
-if you REALLY want to try "scoring", shoot your stuff
(this one is much "harder")

( 8) Who is Jealous of the Neighbors' Yards: Optional night-vision attachment enables you to mess up your neighbors' lawns and flower beds from the safety/privacy of your own home

( 7) Who Wants A Divorce, Also comes in obnoxious odors: silent but deadly:
*Dead Skunk (since skunks don't stop stinking even after they are smashed on the road)
*Stuffed Artichoke: This one will make others gag...or even choke to death
*Rotten Potato: Let your wife know what you really think of her scalloped potatoes
*Day-Old Chicken Bones: Sends chills up the spine and makes you wish you were a skeleton six feet under

( 6) Who Wants Waited On Even More: why just control the remote when you can also control your wife and get her to get you all the things you are craving? You know...beer, nachos & cheese, pizza, more beer, pretzels, pickles, beer, etc.

( 5) Who Uses Self-Help And Uses His Hands: tired of using your hands? Learn how to use a fork! Instructions included
-Also good for those afraid of touching themselves due to herpes and other STDs
-Great tool for the HANDiman

( 4) Who Can't Get His Wife to Stop Smoking: Offer to light her cigarette everytime--she might get the message

( 3) Who Likes a Good, Relaxing Smoke: Special attachment enables you to have a POT BELLY. Inhale from the retractible bong

( 2) Who Likes to Hang Out: Bottomless undies! Show off and dangle your dingle berries or have fun being a swinger

( 1) Who Can't Afford a Motel: Inflatable motel room with bedposts, not credit card posts. No more cheating inside your cramped car or "her" apartment.

Jun 10, 2006
by Doris Day (not verified)

What Fathers Do NOT Want for Father's Day

( l) To dine out, using their hard earned money

( 2) Ties, of course. And, no, not even a "nice" one

( 3) Another screwdriver, unless it comes with orange juice

( 4) Silly golf accessories (e.g., colored towels, iron covers, etc.)

( 5) Underwear and socks--Darn Them!

( 6) Office golf sets when they don't even have an office

( 7) Brut cologne...and, no, Aqua Velva isn't better

( 8) Yellow or pink golf pants or shorts (only lime "green" is okay)

( 9) A lunchbox--they went out with Fred Flintstone

(10) Candy--it is what fathers get out of the machines at work when their wives pack them leftovers

(11) Another wallet.

(12) An inflatable doll.....ooops, this is for the "DO buy" list

Jun 10, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Thanks for the funny posts

Thanks for the funny posts guy. I am feeling pretty pissed right now as I don't know why I just got undug.

Any opinion as to what's better than DIGG out there?

Someone mentioned it may have gotten buried as it wasn't a technology related article.

Well, maybe enough of you will REDDIT to save me from committing hari kari.

Jun 10, 2006
by Sue Eside (not verified)

Amused and Bemused: Please Don't Commit Hari Kari!

You will turn into Consume and Consumed.

Why not release your pent-up frustration by trying a hairy Kerri instead?

Jun 10, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Well, I am over the crushing

Well, I am over the crushing disappointment now.

As you said, I have to be careful that my impatient desire for fame and traffic not make me a consumed consumer. :)

Thanks for reminding me that I am doing this for fun.

Jun 10, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Amused and Bemused: I Know What You Really Need:

a Therapy Buddy.....everything is going to be all right.

PS You shouldn't joke about hari kari--you could get involuntarily committed. You might even get confined in a room with the bottlesling guy. So, isn't life just grand the way it is?

Jun 10, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

A therapy buddy would be

A therapy buddy would be perfect.

Everything is going to alllll riiiight. :)

Jun 11, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Amused and Bemused:

Hey! Get composed, not decomposed.

:) Everything IS going to be all right!

Your Therapy Buddy

Jun 12, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Wow, the add a comment

Wow, the add a comment feature was hard to find. Anyone looking for it, its right after the end of the article in small frigging letters.

Anyway, I think that the inflatable pub totally rocks. My old man would love that thing.

Jun 12, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Inflatable Pub

It LOOKS okay, but I bet it gets really hot inside when the sun is shining. Well, okay, more reason to cool off with another beer.

Jun 12, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

You don't have anything that

You don't have anything that is for a complete asshole of a dad, for me, I'd like to give my dad a bat and use it on him.

Jun 12, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Whoa, Anonymous:

Sounds like you could use a Therapy Buddy, too.

I think the "assholes" just don't get anything...don't waste your money on a bat.

Jun 15, 2006
by Hot Spot Mama

You don't have anything ...

If your looking for an idea for a real a-hole dad... check out amusedand bemused mother's day article "GIfts You Should Never give Your Mom for Mother's Day ."

 

Jul 26, 2006
by rolex (not verified)

very nice =)

I think its very nice! =)
Really =)

Aug 4, 2006
by Gambling (not verified)

Fantastic!

that is very funny!=)

Aug 6, 2006
by hydrocodone (not verified)

How cute!

I wanna buy some of that things for my dady!

Aug 6, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Is your "dady" your surplier?

Can you spare any cash? With a name like "hydrocodone", I would think you are already selling your personal possessions for your next fix.

Aug 6, 2006
by replica (not verified)

wow!

How cute! :) Thats just an amazing!

Aug 28, 2006
by xanax (not verified)

super!

Its super!
If I shall buy to my father this Pub-house he will live in it all time :)

Aug 30, 2006
by Pill (not verified)

Pee goal its fantastic !

Pee goal its very fun =)And beeping wallet too

Sep 1, 2006
by ambatchdotcom seocontest (not verified)

:)

Most of all it was pleasant to me hidden beer pack :)
Just beer everywhere :)

Oct 3, 2006
by Ephedra (not verified)

Very interresting

I think all that things will be pleasant to get to everyone mens
Most of all Pee Goal (very funny :)))

Oct 5, 2006
by Paula (not verified)

Cool gifts!

How can I order this one:
10. For the Dad With The Tight Wallet

Oct 26, 2006
by Mature (not verified)

very nice

Remete controlled LawnMower-the best!
Every men will love this because the mens - is the kids till the end of his days ;)

Nov 17, 2006
by Mature star (not verified)

Very nice

Thats right our old mans hate ties and socks :)ha-ha :)
But i have anouth money to buy him Carrera :(
So i think ill buy to him a ....F*uck lighter :))))

Nov 17, 2006
by cute mature (not verified)

Cute

A have no money for the Carrera for my dad...
So i will buy to him "Fuck lighter" Ha-ha :)