8 Gifts That Could Make Your Father Hate You

In the quest to find the perfect Father's Day (or birthday) gift for your Dad, you're bound to stumble across some items that, if given to him, would be... well, a mistake.  I know I did.

And though I can't speak for everyone, I can say that if I gave my Dad any of these items he would hold a grudge for years.  My Dad clocks in at 71-years-old and doesn't move around too well due to a horrible car accident many years ago.  So I sort'a tailored my choices towards the stuff that he would hate, the stuff that would garner me a withering stare (which has degrees, 10 being the most scary).  And while this won't cover all fathers out there (some would probably love this stuff), it will definitely hold true for some.

1. The Cell Phone Tie

Unlike the camera tie (see my blog homepage), this tie doesn't contain working hardwareUnlike the camera tie (see my blog homepage), this tie doesn't contain working hardware

First off, unless you're a little kid, getting a tie for your Dad is just... lame.  But getting him a tie printed with an image of a modern tech gadget that continually drives him insane due to the number of features and the tiny buttons?  Well, that's just gonna make him real happy, ain't it?

LEVEL OF DAD'S WITHERING STARE: 5 ("This is a crappy gift.")
You can buy it here.

2. The Walk-On-Water Inflatable Ball

That kid looks panicked...That kid looks panicked...

Those of you who have followed my blog know that I have covered this item extensively (see Human Hamster Ball Makes Walking On Water A Reality... Sort Of).

This thing looks nearly impossible for spry kids to use.  But my Dad...?

He would definitely face plant.

Then again, he wouldn't have far to fall and he wouldn't drown...

LEVEL OF DAD'S WITHERING STARE: 8 ("What the hell am I gonna do with that?")

3. Digitigrade Leg Extensions

Looks sort'a like a superhero...Looks sort'a like a superhero...

No, I'm not suggesting that I would buy my Dad a goat-woman hybrid.  Just her legs.

These things are pretty cool, but have the same face planting capabilities of the giant hamster ball-only without the safety zone.

Essentially these extensions are designed to give performers a more animal-like appearance for film and stage.  Think of Pan in Pan's Labyrinth or the fauns in the Narnia films.  Pretty neat.

But a baaaaaaad Father's Day gift.

LEVEL OF DAD'S WITHERING STARE: 7 ("Put ‘em on an let me see you walk in ‘em.")

I'm sure I would trip over his dog and have a nice little hospital stay...

4. Dali Clock

I feel funky just looking at it...I feel funky just looking at it...

While cool looking, this would drive anyone over 65 nuts.  It's quite twisty...  Come to think of it, it would drive me nuts as well.

LEVEL OF DAD'S WITHERING STARE: 6 ("This'll look great in the closet.")

These next three gifts should be given together:

5. The George Bush Bowl Buddy

I don't recall Bush having such crazy hair...I don't recall Bush having such crazy hair...

My Dad is a die-hard Republican.  As this is a George Bush themed toilet brush, he would never use this.  I'd probably get it as a re-gifted Christmas present along with a dried dog turd.

You can buy it here.

6. George Bush Toilet Paper


Need I say more?

You can buy it here.

7. President Barack Obama Talking Doll

Yeah, this would do it.  He'd amble to the garage to get a hammer.  Like I said: he's a die-hard Republican.

LEVEL OF DAD'S WITHERING STARE: 10 (A minor heart attack caused by smashing the doll to bits with a hammer.)
You can buy it here.

But I've saved the best for last.

8. A Grandson

This is a great little ad for Durex condoms, implying that all competing brands lead to fatherhood.  I think it's quite the clever little jab, and an excellent Father's Day joke.

But would I ever joke about having a kid?  No.  I'm somewhat cold-hearted, but I'm not that mean.

And if I do have a kid... well, I think he'd support me all the way.  He's a nice guy.


SOURCES: Haacked, Baller Toys, Absolute Ties, Kim Graham Studios, & Baron Bob.
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Jun 25, 2009
by Anonymous

walking on water hamster ball

well, maybe my dad wouldn't be that bad with it. I mean he's pretty much a really oversized kid.

Jun 26, 2009
by John P. Barker
John P. Barker's picture

I dunno...

After watching multiple videos of the hamster ball, it doesn't look easy.  I think I'd end out in the hospital.  But... with practice, I bet it would be really fun.