The following are my picks for 10 great inventions that will help make this the best St. Patrick's day ever, with a few post-St. Patrick's day reconciliation-style inventions thrown in for good measure:
10. Great Invention Idea? Keg Hat
The Keg Hat looks silly, but people will probably be envious of your forethought and thrifty approach to vice indulgence.
Keg Hat / Be the Beer!
This year, why not be the beer with a Keg Hat? Sure it looks silly, but the good news is anywhere you're likely to wear this thing - sporting events, picnics, sporting events - people will probably be envious of your forethought and thrifty approach to vice indulgence. Now when your friends proclaim that all that drinking has really gone to your head you can make honest men and women of them!
9. Great Invention Idea? Contraceptive Cell Phone
The Contraceptive Cell Phone for the most important call of the night.
"I Don't Want to make a Baby Tonight" Phone
If you invest in one or all four of the inventions above your sex-life will no doubt start to pick up. Of course, you already know, despite what you hope for, that none of these inventions will make you more fun or better looking. Instead, what is likely to happen is you'll just become less discerning about your partners. That's why you'll want to invest in Samsung's new Basal Body Temperature (BBT) cell phone, so that a one-night stand doesn't turn into a whole lifetime commitment!
8. Great Invention Idea? Beer Umbrella
The Beer Umbrella: simple to use and portable too!
The Beer Umbrella is a must have because warm beer seems to take like piss everywhere in the world but Ireland! Besides, the Beer Umbrella is simple to use and portable too.
7. Great Invention Idea? Bra With Beer Filled Cups.
The Booze Bra is the real miracle bra!
A multi-tasking brassiere with inflatable bladders for holding all manner of delicious beverage because girls just want to have fun too! The added bonus is the wearer gets to quench her thirst without having to wear a silly hat, while sporting bigger than usual boobs! What can I say? Nothing makes me happier than the marriage of form and function. (The Beer Bra is actually in production and you can see it here.)
6. Great Invention Idea? Flask Tidies You Up Afterwards!
The Combined Clothes-Brush, Flask and Drinking Cup keeps you tidy and lubed!
I'll Take Mine Neat
The Combined Clothes-Brush, Flask and Drinking Cup is not a groundbreaking invention, but don't you just love something designed to help you get drunk then tidy-up afterwards? It just seems so practical and civilized!
5. Great Invention Idea? Portable Bar Hat The Portable Bar Hat is equipped with all manner of containers to hold not only beer, but also sodas and spirits for mixed drinks!
Not the beer drinking type? Too classy to drink a cold brew? Then the Portable Bar Hat is the fashion accessory for you this St. Paddy's day. The hat is equipped with all manner of containers to hold not only beer, but also sodas and spirits for mixed drinks! The hat is complicated to operate, so I probably would advise the wearer to do a couple of dry runs (and I mean that literally) before attempting to operate this thing in an inebriated state. But the Portable Bar Hat could prove to be just the thing for discerning drunks everywhere!
4. Great Invention Idea? Portable Penis Extender
A Penis Extender is better than a four-leaf clover when you've had too much drink.
An unfortunate side effect of too much partying, besides the inevitable DUI citation, is a man's inability to perform his well - manly duty. So this St. Patrick's day don't leave home without this handy, and portable, penis extender in your pocket. Better yet, why not strap one on and head out for a potluck night of fun? You can because all this is is a ring attached to a belt. If you're planning some heavy drinking on St. Paddy's day (and who isn't?), then you owe it to yourself, and the stranger you'll probably regret taking home in the morning, to have one of these penis extenders on hand.
3. Great Invention Idea? Toilet Headrest
Toilet headrest helps you steady yourself when a bull's-eye sticker is not enough to get you to pee in the bowl.
Many of us, no doubt, will find ourselves kneeling down before the porcelain god reflecting on how the day's events brought us there. For many, however, kneeling is not an option. Often this has nothing to do with irreverence; it is simply a practical concern for the balance and agility needed to simply stand still in a highly intoxicated state. For these people I recommend doing your St. Paddy's day imbibing at public establishments equipped with a toilet headrest strategically installed against "a wall above a bathroom commode or urinal." Thanks to this handy little device you can steady yourself by simply resting your forehead in the appropriately bowing down position required of your shameful state. This should make aiming for that waterproof bull's-eye sticker a little easier. If not, it should at least increase the odds you'll actually hit the target.
2. Great Invention Idea? Fermented Coffee Drink
A cup of Fermented Coffee let's you start the day after St. Patrick's day with a hair of the dog that bit ya!
Beverage for the Breakfast of Champions: Fermented Coffee Drink
The day after St. Patrick's day you'll be tempted to trade your car in exchange for a "hair of the dog that bit ya." Thanks to Nestlé, the good people who brought us chocolate bars and hot cocoa mix, that won't be necessary. That's because Nestlé has invented a fermented coffee drink that foams. Yes, you read that previous sentence correctly: Nestlé has developed a coffee beer! Oh happy day! Guess those television commercials were really going for truth in advertising with the slogan, "Nestlé makes the very best."
1. Great Invention Idea? Kick Yourself Apparatus
This St. Patrick's day, when you've had too much to drink, again, and been an ass to the people who love you the other 364 days of the year, again, a User-Operated Amusement Apparatus for Kicking the User's Buttocks could be just the thing that keeps you from losing all your friends.
Kick Your Own Ass
This St. Patrick's day, when you've had too much to drink, again, and been an ass to the people who love you the other 364 days of the year, again, maybe you'll consider putting your penance on display in an effort to redeem yourself. A User-Operated Amusement Apparatus for Kicking the User's Buttocks is just the thing for the person who wishes to stave off a much-deserved ass kicking by beating those who wish to kick his ass to the punch! The apparatus consists of a simple hand pedal connected underground to what looks like a windmill with a boot attached to each blade. The offender simply leans over, turns the hand pedal mechanism and voila: they kick their own butt to the delight of their aggravated friends!