5 Extremely Creepy Icky Toys

by John P. Barker

Certain toys are just... wrong. Wrong to the point of being scary. You know, the type of scary that insures you will strive to never be alone with them. The type of scary that tells you that the toy will come to life and do something life-threatening to you.

Three of the five toys below fit that description. It should be obvious which ones they are. The other two are just plain strange, but still hit the creepy button. Just for kicks I'm gonna rate each toy with a Scare Factor, from 1 to 10.

Scary Toy # 1: The Japanese Pregnant Doll

Um... Excuse me, Ma'am. You have something hanging from your... um...

Holy Sh*t! This doll has a baby hanging from its Hoo-Hoo!

Apparently these dolls were manufactured in the 18th and 19th centuries for carnivals. They were used not only for entertainment, but also as educational tools to instruct midwives.

"See, Little Billy? This is how babies are made. Mommy removes her stomach and inserts a brain-like substance inside."

I could care less what they were used for. The creepiness of this doll outweighs any logical use it could ever have.

Scare Factor: 7
Um... I don't know where to start. Let's try this: The doll shuffles toward me, dead baby dragging along the floor behind it. It has a knife...

Scary Toy # 2: Michael Jackson Doll

GAAAAHHHH!!!!!

This Michael Jackson Doll from Susan's Custom Creepy Dolls is terrifying. Picture yourself in a dark room, the only light a dim glow from the window. Scary Michael Jackson is sitting in a rocking chair, staring at you.

"Have you seen my nose?"

A twisted side of me wants to hang this doll over a baby's crib as an experiment to gauge emotional damage in youth.

Oh, yeah... here's another doll you can buy from Susan:

Isn't he sweet?

Scare Factor: 9
I could not be in the room with twisted Michael Jackson doll - nor many of the things that this artist makes. My reaction is very similar to that of the dangling baby doll above. Only this time it would moonwalk and go, "Hooo-hooo!" while chasing me.
If you have a hankerin' for some bizarre (and truly creative) characters for Halloween, head on over to Susan's Custom Creepy Dolls.

Scary Toy # 3: Creepy Robot Cat

As my loyal readers know, I have a cat. He's primarily a floppy, boneless mass of purring fur.

But when the zombie apocalypse hits, annihilating humankind and instigating a war between the zombies and sentient machines (the machines will win - c'mon, we've all seen the Matrix and Terminator movies), this will be the only feline in existence:

The pretty girl is a robot as well. See - Things won't be all bad in the future...

"Yume-Neko Venus" ("Dream Cat Venus") is a Japanese toy from Sega. Touch sensors allow it to react like a real cat when you rub it. It sleeps, purrs, moves its legs, etc.

But...

This is one of those things that looks almost real, but not quite real. Inevitably this sort of behavior is just plain creepy.

See. It's sort'a cute. But something is off, ya know?

It's predecessor, Dream Cat Smile is even more creepy:

Scare Factor: 5
Pretty creepy, but more in the vein of the apocalyptic scenario where robots take over the world. And even robots need pets.
I sort'a can't dislike the little robo-kitty. You can find them at Amazon under the name Furreal Friends Lulu My Cuddlin Kitty Cat.

Scary Toy # 4: Edible Anatomical Animal Toys

Moo! I'm possibly yummy.

Okay, so they're not so scary. But they are bizarre. While only the cow is pictured, there are many different animals available including monkeys, fish, and bears. And each one comes with insanely detailed instructions concerning which cut of flesh you are eating.

Moo! Here are my instructions.

I'd recommend these if you wish to train your child to be a butcher.

Scare Factor: 4
Creepy. But I have to wonder if the innards are delicious. Possibly cherry flavored?
You can find this possibly tasty little fellas at Giant Robot.

Scary Toy # 5: Baby Laugh-A-Lot

If you read my other blog on this site (Funny Ads, Sexy Ads, and Overall Best Ads) you may have seen this insanely creepy commercial. Well, I don't feel bad putting Baby Laugh-A-Lot in here, because I feel that the inate creepiness of the toy influenced the "Children of the Corn" psycho nature of the commercial.

You can't tell me that's not the scariest s**t ever. EVER. And to think - these things were mass produced!

Scare Factor: 8 million
This #&%@ing thing can move! It can track you! I'll bet it can see in the dark and has retracting razor sharp teeth, arms that extend out over 12' in length, and (obviously) some sort of psychic power. The reason why she laughs is that she has complete domination over us pitiful humans.