10 Of The World's Geekiest Outdoor Sports Gadgets And Garments
Not only are these items positively geekrageous, they're all pretty dubious in function. You could probably save yourself a lot of physical and emotional pain by using another available option, so try these at your own risk.
Geekiest Sports Gadget #10: Cycling Unitard
The cycling unitard is one of the most heinous pieces of clothing ever stitched together. It's like a Speedo on steroids--and nothing about that phrase is socially acceptable. From the package hugging to the gratuitous chest hair and man nipplage, the cyling unitard is simply wrong. Wear Lycra if you must, but please: make it two separate garments.
Geekiest Sports Gadget #9:Trekking Umbrella
Most hikers and backpackers are happy stuffing a poncho or lightweight rain jacket into their pack, but the eco-dweebs behind the Trekking Umbrella thought that hikers might benefit from skipping over muddy puddles twirling a pretty umbrella around. The hands-free design leaves the trekker's hands open for holding the soil analysis kit, scat identification hadbook or whatever other piece of geekery brought him out into the wilderness in the first place.
Geekiest Sports Gadget #8:Jewel Warmer
I actually use a jewel warmer; in fact, I own many. I call them boxer shorts, underwear if you will. And for when it gets even colder, I have a second jewel warmer--warmer boxer shorts. With such standard options already available, why anyone would shove a creepy, pointy hunk of fleece down their drawers is beyond me. Perhaps because he's an awkward, no-friended shut-in that likes to stuff fuzzy, foreign objects down his pants. Just takin' a guess.
Geekiest Sports Gadget #7:Pterosail
I was pretty torn about including the Pterosail. After all, it's a pretty cool piece of hybrid engineering. Then I thought a little deeper and my mind drifted toward seeing the asphalt captain that actually sees fit to ride this thing. Looking out across the choppy freeway in his whitest sailor cap, adjusting his mast and just otherwise looking like an all around rolling anus. I mean, he's sailing on the road. I can only hope that if these things ever catch on, evolution takes its proper course and highway pirates and land sharks rise up to squash those that ride them.
Geekiest Sports Gadget #6:Zeal Transcend Goggles
You know, if someone bought me these Zeal Transcend ski goggles, I'd be pretty stoked when I pulled the wrapping paper off. I'd even love the person that bought them for me just a little bit more. And I'd be a huge geek. You see, skiing and snowboarding are pretty damn fun on their own, they don't really need a set of James Bond-esque GPS-equipped goggles. Especially for $400. Every guy I've ever seen "loggin' vertical" on the slopes is just a self-obsessed douchus that misses the point of skiing in a big way. If you want to measure your speed, tracked vertical and total distance, go jogging--that's pretty dorky anyway. Otherwise, save that $400 for a weekend trip to the mountains.