10 Of The World's Geekiest Outdoor Sports Gadgets And Garments

Geekiest Sports Gadget #5: Bike Helmet Bug Screen

The bike helmet BugScreen is a clear example of when a "solution" is much worse than a problem. The perceived problem: bugs flying into your face when you cycle. (Incidentally, in my 25 years of cycling and mountain biking experience, I've never once had this problem.) The solution, as proposed by GBNpro: staple a fencing mask to your face and look like the world's biggest tool. If that indeed is the solution, I'll eat a couple of bugs. They're good protein anyway. BTW--the beer cans and stale pastries that you'll get hit with if you actually put one of these on your helmet will hurt a lot worse than a little horsefly. 

Geekiest Sports Gadget #4:Chariot Skates

You know what's not going to bring back the trend of wheeled shoes a la the roller skates of the 70s and roller blades of the 90s? Attaching giant bicycle wheels to your feet. Yes, my friend, if you ever find yourself riding on these foot-cycles, well then you had better just roll yourself into the nearest garbage can before someone much bigger and angrier does it for you. Because, mark my words, they will.

Geekiest Sports Gadget #3: Bicycle Helmet Hats

As Saharan urban-commuting nomad above demonstrates beyond the slightest shadow of a doubt, putting a hat on top of a bicycle helmet doesn't look any more stylish than the helmet itself. Plus, it covers all the vents on an already hot, sweaty piece of headgear. Just admit it--the bicycle helmet is ugly and awkward, but your life is worth it. If you wear a hat on top of your helmet to make it look better, I'm not so sure your life is worth it. 

Note to bicycle accessory manufacturers: as you can see, the market is already pretty crowded with geeky cycling add-ons, so stop. Now.

Geekiest Sports Gadget #2: Pumgo Scooter

Watch the video above and just try not to get a little angry at these geektastic, glut-pumping excuses for humanity. I dare you. I don't even need to go into the flourescent yellow jacket and corporate scooter-hound because the Pumgo is just so lame of and in itself. And I still don't quite understand how the physical benefits of this leg-pumping scooter are any better than bicycling--it's pretty much the same damn motion. Only cycling isn't such a doltastic abomination (assuming you steer clear of some of the aforementioned entries). 

 Hey Honey, Can I get a sip from those hip nips?

Geekiest Sports Gadget #1:Water Fanny Packs

Hey guy, just because it's holding water, you call it a waist pack and you're a big, important running star, doesn't mean that it stopped being a fanny pack--i.e. the geekiest piece of tourist clothing in the past 3,000 years. Wear a hydration pack, hold onto your water bottle or stuff a Polar Springs down your short shorts, but if you belt H20 around your mid-section, you look like a rube.