We all have horrible people in our lives, from relatives to
co-workers, that we have to buy presents for no matter how we actually feel.
These people can be some of the hardest people to shop for, which is annoying
since you don’t really want to buy them something anyway. Fortunately, we’re
here to help with this year’s list of terrible Christmas presents for all the
worst kind of people in your life.
The Girl Who Swears You’re Stalking Her
If you really are following a girl around and being
generally creepy, stop it before you get beat up or arrested. But for those
accused of stalking by a self-obsessed bimbo who thinks random occurrences that
put you two in the same vicinity are actually attempts to see her, giving her a
puzzle with a satellite image of her home will certainly be a great way to get revenge.
Just imagine her surprise as she starts to put the puzzle
together only to realize it is actually a picture of her home –and her shock
when she realizes you know where she lives. Of course, don’t be too surprised
if she takes out a restraining order on you afterwards.
The Worst Kind of Wannabe Gangster
Know a poser who is desperate to sag like his favorite rap
stars, but is afraid his pants will fall down if he even tries? Well then, grab
him some Subs so he can go on living in his urban fantasy land. Just hope he
doesn’t actually try to visit the ghetto while wearing these or you might just
never see him again.
The Pumped Up Sales Person Who Just Can’t Stop Moving
When you’re a truly on-the-go person, even stopping at a
drive-thru coffee shop can slow your flow. Fortunately, you can now get your
espresso fix without ever even leaving the car thanks to this handy machine
that makes the perfect brew with nothing but a few beans, some water and the
power from a cigarette adapter.
The Germaphobe Who Scrubs Veggies Until the Skin Comes Off
Know someone who looks like Lady Macbeth trying to get the
blood off of her hands whenever she tries to clean an apple before eating it?
Well save the fruit and a portion of your loved one’s sanity with this handy germ-killing
UV wand that safely kills 99.9% of all bacteria. (Update: This is no longer available. Another option is this wand.)
Your 300 Pound Aunt Who Can’t Go to a Restaurant Without
Stopping at a Drive Thru First
For those who seem to need a snack between their appetizer
and their entrée, whorfing down all that food can get pretty messy. While you
might not be able to protect any fingers that get near her mouth as she gorges
herself, you can at least protect her clothes while she drives and scarfs with
this handy Beltzbib.
By the way, how great is it that even their product image
still shows the guy dripping on his shirt where it isn’t covered by the bib? It
can’t be that effective then, can it?
The Mom Who Thinks Letting Her Kid Outside is Just Too
You know the type, the mom who thinks that her little
darling will end up dead if he goes camping –even in the backyard. Well, while
you can’t help the kid that much, you can at least let them enjoy the delicious
taste of a freshly made s’more thanks to the Indoor Flameless Marshmallow
Roaster. And who knows, maybe if the mom realizes that molten marshmallows aren’t
enough to damage her angel, maybe she’ll even let him try riding a bicycle one
of these days.
Your Crazy Nephew Who Isn’t Allowed to Handle Knives
Even a butter knife can be a weapon in the wrong hands,
which is why this Butter Cutter is such a lifesaver to some people who can’t
handle sharp things.
The Kid Who Thinks They Are The Center of the Universe
Sure, you could teach the youngster that the world doesn’t
actually revolve around them and that other people are just as important too,
but won’t the cold, crushing reality of the world eventually force them to that
realization anyway? So why not encourage their self-centeredness for a little
while longer by purchasing a classic book through U Star Novels that will
feature your little angel’s name in place of the true main character?
The Teen Who Just Won’t Stop Slouching
Doesn’t the model look happy with her new and improved
posture? Well, just don’t expect that kind of gratitude when your gift
recipient opens up their present to find this posture-improving back sling
The Idiot Who Always Complains That Their Dog Is Too Fat,
But Is Too Lazy to Walk It
When Fido starts to look a little chubby, adding a daily
walk to his routine will usually help, but for those who can’t pull themselves
away from the couch to help their obese pooch, the dog treadmill ensures
everyone gets what they want –Fido gets the exercise he needs and fatty gets to
maintain his lazy lifestyle.
Your Relative Who Still Thinks Fanny Packs Are Cool
Admit it, people wearing fanny packs are embarrassing to be
seen around, even if they’re ninety year-olds riding around in hover chairs. While
this gun-holster-turned-storage-device still looks pretty foolish, at least
someone might think there’s a grenade hiding in one of those pockets rather
than just an inhaler.
The Grandma Who Wants to be Cool But Can’t Understand Bluetooth
Oh Grandma, I know you’re so “with it” that you just
discovered how to send LOL Cat pictures through email and while you’d love to
use a Bluetooth device, it seems a little too technical and it isn’t compatible
with your Jitterbug phone anyway. That’s OK, this hands free device will
let you walk around unencumbered while you chat with your daughter, just like
all the young whippersnappers are doing. (Update: The device is no longer available. But this hand free option may work well?)
The Dad Who Doesn’t Think His Baby Is Tough Enough
While most people love how helpless and innocent a newborn
baby looks, some think they just look like, well, babies. For those that need a
little push towards proud parenthood, these baby tattoos can help the innocent
little babe start to develop a hard edge that any badass dad can enjoy.
The Redneck Hippie
Because nothing says “free love” like tie-dyed pajamas that
are based on a design dating from the Civil War. I can’t help but think Ted
Nugent owns a pair of these. (Update: Tie-dye is no longer available but other colors are.)
So stop worrying about shopping for all those people you
hate and relax. Of course, if you are one of the horrible people on this list,
then once you’re done Christmas shopping, you should really start working on
how not to be a terrible person.
Oh and if you need to buy Christmas gifts for geeks, look no further than this guide for 10 different types of geeks.
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