15 Gifts That Will Surely Piss Off Your Valentine

While it’s widely believed Valentine’s Day was invented by the card companies, it actually was popularized by candy companies in the twenties. Surprisingly, our list of fantastic gifts for people you pretend to love has only a few sweet treats. We do have plenty of sour presents to offer though. Whatever the problem in your relationship, one of these gifts is sure to express your true feelings for your significant other. 

Valentine's Day Gift #1: For the Annoying Stalker

Perfect for those of you who think you own your wife or girlfriend. Yes, these were technically made for the safety of hookers in Brazil, but we all know you want to keep tabs on your girl. If you don’t trust your lady, this Chasity Belt Lingerie with built in GPS system would be a perfect gift -except it’s pretty obvious that you’re tracking her. Unless your female friend is a total pushover, she’s not going to be happy with your desperate attempt to stalk her.

Valentine's Gift #2: For The “Softie”

Here’s one for the ladies to not buy for their man, an Erectile Quality Monitor. Nothing will make your man feel quite so insignificant as a device telling him how disappointing he is in the bedroom. No longer will you have to claim “it happens to every man at some point.” He will know his manhood is not satisfactory without the need for words. In fact, maybe this will also make it easier when you tell him that you want to be with other men.

Valentine's Gift #3: For Those Who Want To Share Everything

No matter how comfortable a couple is with one another, it’s usually still pretty weird to see each other poop using the Two Person Toilet. If you want to “go” beside the love of your life and they want to “go” beside you, you’d better get married now because you’re never going to find someone as compatible with you. In fact, maybe eHarmony should add this to their questionnaire.

Valentine's Gift #4: ForThe Fatso

Nothing says, "Hey fatty, stop chomping the chocolates and lose some weight already," like a scale decorated with every woman's favorite weight gaining product. Somehow, the product page says the Chocolate Scale will lighten the mood, but reminding a woman why she has a big tire around her waist isn't usually a great way to cheer her up or get her in the mood for some romping.

Valentine's Gift #5: For The One Who Demands Flowers

While it may be true that these Elephant Poop Roses don't actually smell bad, the idea of getting any gift made of elephant poop is decidedly not every girl's dream. This might actually make a great gift for the girl you want to think you like her while you actually loathe her. A rose by any other name is still a rose, the same way elephant poop by any other smell is still crap.

Valentine's Gift #6: For The Youth Obsessed

No woman wants to look older than she has to, so why not help keep her looking young with this Wrinkle Reducing Pillow? Oh yeah... because it's a nice way of telling her you're worried she's starting to look old and you don't want to be caught married to a wrinkly old bat. Valentine's Day should focus on your love of her, not her sagging looks.

Valentine's Gift #7: For The Cold Hearted

What's more romantic than making love in front of the fire? Not much, too bad this isn't a real fire. Unless your girlfriend is the type of woman that belongs in movies like House Bunny or Legally Blonde, she won't be impressed with this Replica Fake Fire. I know HD is great, but it still isn't going to keep you warm at night and neither will any woman you buy this for.

Valentine's Gift #8: For The Crappy Lover

Any fan of J. Geils Band, will certainly know "Love Stinks." Never before was this quite so perfectly illustrated before this wonderful message was delivered with fake poop. It may actually not stink like the real thing, but I'm sure your date will understand the underlying hate in your gift of "I love you" poop.

Valentine's Gift #9: For The Wedding Nagger

If your lady's been on your case about taking your relationship to the next level, she's going to flip when you present her with a big box with a huge ring in it. That is, until she realizes it's merely a Fake Engagement Ring Mug. At least it has a real Swarovski crystal in the ring part so she can pretend like you care about her. Every time she takes a drink, she can be reminded of the ring she doesn't have.

Valentine's Gift #10: For Yo Ho!

Nothing show how much you love your ho than a Ho Flask spelling out clearly what you think of her. It's perfectly curved so she can hide it in her two dollar lingerie. Best hope she's actually got your money or else she won't deserve any gifts at all.

Valentine's Gift # 11: For The Constant Cuddler

We get it ok? Real men don't cuddle. But Valentine's is the one day where big tough guys pretend like they actually have a romantic streak and care about their ladies. So, getting her a Boyfriend Pillow she can cuddle with the rest of the year, isn't going to go over well. All you'll end up doing is reminding her why you're a rotten tool the other 364 days a year. If you're going to pretend to be a romantic today, at least keep up the charade until tomorrow. When she asks herself why she's still with you, it helps to have at least one full day of romance to trick her into believing you're worth her time.

Valentine's Gift #12: For The Unsignificant Other

If you just can't come up with the right words to express your mediocre relationship, the Dysfunctional line of BitterSweets may have just what you're looking for. When you want to tell your loved one that you want a prenup or that they haven't been aging well, just look for the appropriate Heart Candy in the tin and present it to your future ex. Who would have thought simultaneous love and hate could be so easy?

Valentine's Gift #13: For The Orally Impaired

Halitosis is so not sexy. If your loved one already has bad breath though, chances are you don't need to remind them. The Halitosis Kiss-O-Meter is a great way to remind your lover why you never kiss them. I will say that at least the gift looks cute, but that's a small consideration when prejudging the taste of your kisses.

Valentine's Gift #14: For Ones Always Wanting Something "Different"

Remember the 80's when snakeskin was actually a hip and happening fashion statement? Even then, I don't know that anyone (short of Crocodile Dundee's girlfriend) would be cool with rolling around with a Rattlesnake Head Necklace. To make it extra classy, it's even been painted black with gold accents on the fangs and eyes. If you like those, you may even like to get some of the matching Gold Bird Feet Earrings. It's all about accessorizing baby.

Valentine's Gift #15: For The Super Insecure

Perhaps a dead animal's body parts aren't enough to show your commitment. If that's the case, you may want to consider getting Jewelry Made From Your Own Bones. All you need to do is provide them a bone sample -a small sacrifice compared to the love you feel, right? They simply will grow another bone using your tissue and then carve and shape it into a ring. Surely if Van Gogh can part with an ear, you can part with a teeny, tiny tooth. 

So I hope that in this collection of gifts that have taken alot of thought, you will find something perfectly awful for your not-so-wonderful lover.