While it’s widely believed Valentine’s Day was invented by
the card companies, it actually was popularized by candy companies in the
twenties. Surprisingly, our list of fantastic gifts for people you pretend to
love has only a few sweet treats. We do have plenty of sour presents to offer
though. Whatever the problem in your relationship, one of these gifts is
sure to express your true feelings for your significant other.
Nothing says, "Hey fatty, stop chomping the chocolates and
lose some weight already," like a scale decorated with every woman's favorite
weight gaining product. Somehow, the product page says the Chocolate Scale will
lighten the mood, but reminding a woman why she has a big tire around her waist
isn't usually a great way to cheer her up or get her in the mood for some romping. (Update: Chocolate Scale is no longer available.)
No woman wants to look older than she has to, so why not
help keep her looking young with this Wrinkle Reducing Pillow? Oh yeah... because
it's a nice way of telling her you're worried she's starting to look old and
you don't want to be caught married to a wrinkly old bat. Valentine's Day
should focus on your love of her, not her sagging looks.
Valentine's Gift #3: For The Cold Hearted
What's more romantic than making love in front of the fire?
Not much, too bad this isn't a real fire. Unless your girlfriend is the type of
woman that belongs in movies like House Bunny or Legally Blonde, she won't be
impressed with this Replica Fake Fire. I know HD is great, but it still isn't going
to keep you warm at night and neither will any woman you buy this for.
Valentine's Gift #4: For The Wedding Nagger
If your lady's been on your case about taking your
relationship to the next level, she's going to flip when you present her with a
big box with a huge ring in it. That is, until she realizes it's merely a Fake Engagement Ring Mug.
At least it has a real Swarovski crystal in
the ring part so she can pretend like you care about her. Every time
she takes a drink, she can be reminded of the ring she doesn't have.
Valentine's Gift #5: For The Constant Cuddler
get it ok? Real men don't cuddle. But Valentine's is the one day where
big tough guys pretend like they actually have a romantic streak and care about their ladies. So, getting her a Boyfriend Pillow she can cuddle with the rest of
the year, isn't going to go over well. All you'll end up doing is
reminding her why you're a rotten tool the other 364 days a year. If
you're going to pretend to be a romantic today, at least keep up the
charade until tomorrow. When she asks herself why she's still with you,
it helps to have at least one full day of romance to trick her into
believing you're worth her time.
Valentine's Gift #6: For The Unsignificant Other
If you just can't come up with the
right words to express your mediocre relationship, the Dysfunctional line of
BitterSweets may have just what you're looking for. When you want to tell your
loved one that you want a prenup or that they haven't been aging well, just
look for the appropriate Heart Candy in the tin and present it to your future ex. Who
would have thought simultaneous love and hate could be so easy?
Valentine's Gift #7: For The Freshness Impaired
Halitosis is so not hot. If your
loved one already has bad breath though, chances are you don't need to remind
them. The Halitosis Kiss-O-Meter is a great way to remind your lover why you never kiss
them. I will say that at least the gift looks cute, but that's a small
consideration when prejudging the taste of your kisses.
Valentine's Gift #8: For Ones Always Wanting Something "Different"
Remember the 80's when snakeskin was actually a hip and
happening fashion statement? Even then, I don't know that anyone (short of
Crocodile Dundee's girlfriend) would be cool with rolling around with a Rattlesnake Head Necklace. To make it extra classy, it's even been painted
black with gold accents on the fangs and eyes. If you like those, you may even
like to get some of the matching Gold Bird Feet Earrings. It's all about
Valentine's Gift #9: For The Super Insecure
Perhaps a dead animal's body parts aren't enough to show
your commitment. If that's the case, you may want to consider getting Jewelry
Made From Your Own Bones. All you need to do is provide them a bone sample -a
small sacrifice compared to the love you feel, right? They simply will grow
another bone using your tissue and then carve and shape it into a ring. Surely
if Van Gogh can part with an ear, you can part with a teeny, tiny tooth.
I hope that in this collection of gifts that have taken alot of
thought, you will find something perfectly awful for your