15 Gifts That Will Surely Piss Off Your Valentine

While it’s widely believed Valentine’s Day was invented by the card companies, it actually was popularized by candy companies in the twenties. Surprisingly, our list of fantastic gifts for people you pretend to love has only a few sweet treats. We do have plenty of sour presents to offer though. Whatever the problem in your relationship, one of these gifts is sure to express your true feelings for your significant other. 

Valentine's Day Gift #1: For the Annoying Stalker

Perfect for those of you who think you own your wife or girlfriend. Yes, these were technically made for the safety of hookers in Brazil, but we all know you want to keep tabs on your girl. If you don’t trust your lady, this Chasity Belt Lingerie with built in GPS system would be a perfect gift -except it’s pretty obvious that you’re tracking her. Unless your female friend is a total pushover, she’s not going to be happy with your desperate attempt to stalk her.

Valentine's Gift #2: For The “Softie”

Here’s one for the ladies to not buy for their man, an Erectile Quality Monitor. Nothing will make your man feel quite so insignificant as a device telling him how disappointing he is in the bedroom. No longer will you have to claim “it happens to every man at some point.” He will know his manhood is not satisfactory without the need for words. In fact, maybe this will also make it easier when you tell him that you want to be with other men.

Valentine's Gift #3: For Those Who Want To Share Everything

No matter how comfortable a couple is with one another, it’s usually still pretty weird to see each other poop using the Two Person Toilet. If you want to “go” beside the love of your life and they want to “go” beside you, you’d better get married now because you’re never going to find someone as compatible with you. In fact, maybe eHarmony should add this to their questionnaire.

Valentine's Gift #4: ForThe Fatso

Nothing says, "Hey fatty, stop chomping the chocolates and lose some weight already," like a scale decorated with every woman's favorite weight gaining product. Somehow, the product page says the Chocolate Scale will lighten the mood, but reminding a woman why she has a big tire around her waist isn't usually a great way to cheer her up or get her in the mood for some romping.

Valentine's Gift #5: For The One Who Demands Flowers

While it may be true that these Elephant Poop Roses don't actually smell bad, the idea of getting any gift made of elephant poop is decidedly not every girl's dream. This might actually make a great gift for the girl you want to think you like her while you actually loathe her. A rose by any other name is still a rose, the same way elephant poop by any other smell is still crap.