Hello Kitty is one of the strangest and most invasive icons
in our entire world. Between little girls and old, single women, you can't
avoid seeing her pink bow at malls across the globe and scattered on rear
windshields throughout the U.S.
But that's not the worst of it. The merchandising for the happiest kitty in the
world has crossed the line from cutesy character to the harbinger of the
apocalypse. These 15 products prove that the end is, indeed, nigh.
Special thanks to Kitty Hell for providing a wealth of
information on the subject.
Hello Kitty Bombs
Ready to blow up the world in the sweetest way possible?
Then maybe this Hello Kitty bomb will help send delightfully mixed message to
your enemies as you kill them while blowing cutie kisses at them.
Hello Kitty Head Trophy
Mounting kitty sounds like a bad pornographic movie title,
but these Hello Kitty mounts are anything but dirty. Instead, they are a
delightfully evil way to show your disdain for the pink-bowed sweetheart.
Hello Kitty Jet
Looking to travel the world like a jet-setting Japanese cat?
Then join EVA Airways to fly the purring pink skies with this specialized Hello
Kitty Airbus. Of course, it's not just the outside of the jet that's themed,
the stewardesses, the meals, the seat, the tickets --everything is decked out
from landing gear to the fuselage to the rudder.
Image via Flickr user Luke Lai
Hello Kitty Gloomy
If you're both a fan of Japan's most cuddly kitten and its
most monstrously violent pink bear, then this Hello Kitty dressed as Gloomy
Bear is certain to please both your rankest and sweetest instincts. (See Gloomy Bear)
Hello Kitty Suicide Art
If you can't stand the evil pussy and are dying to see her
suffer at her own hand, then you may be interested in purchasing these demented
portraits of the little furball doing herself harm created by Blogger user Thom
Hello Kitty Motor Oil
If only it was Hello Kitty motor oil that spilled into the
gulf, the animals would all just wash up on the shore with cute pink bows on
their heads. They'd still be dead, but at least they'd look a little cuter.
Hello Kitty Assault Riffle
At first glance, the Hello Kitty
AK-47 AR-15 sounds likea
mere artistic statement made from clay or plastic, but it is actually a very
real and completely functional weapon, perfect for the Sara Palins of the world
on their moose hunting trips.
Image via Flickr user Dylan Brown
Hello Kitty Hospital
There's nothing like shooting a bloody mess out of your
whoo-whoo into a whole room of Pepto Bismol pink. Not only will your husband be
embarrassed to visit you in the Hello Kitty hospital maternity ward, your child will most likely be
seriously traumatized by the giant cat heads peeking out at every corner.
Hello Kitty Pantyliners
Even if you aren't pregnant, you still have the opportunity
to cover Hello Kitty's face in blood from "down there." Simply try out these
adorably creepy Hello Kitty panty liners. My only question is does it actually
have her face on the pad itself, or just the packaging?
Hello Kitty Toilet Paper
If you're a man or if it's not that time of the month, you
can still show the kitty how you really feel with this Hello Kitty toilet
paper. You really have to wonder what kind of a marketing executive approved
Hello Kitty Wedding
How whipped does a man have to be to actually go through
with a Hello Kitty Wedding? To make matters worse, if he actually is into the
idea, then he's probably not really into the bride and is just trying to keep
As for the wedding itself, the theme is sure to enter all
aspects of the ceremony. You can have a Hello Kitty dress with a matching
tuxedo, a Hello Kitty cake, Hello Kitty wedding rings, a Hello Kitty wedding
gazebo, a toast with Hello Kitty champagne, even a Hello Kitty wedding
certificate. Honestly, the thought of it all makes me shudder and throw up a
little --at the same time.
Hello Kitty Nipple Tassels
Finally, something for the wedding night. Of course, to some
extent, this is a conflict of interest. You see, men have no interest in Hello
Kitty and are often turned off by the character...on the other hand, they are
turned on by nipples and tassels there upon. I'm sure you can see the problem
here.The sad thing is that, like most of the subjects I cover,
there are simply too many of these terrible products out there to actually list
them all. So if you've seen any I've missed, be sure to add them in the