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The 13 Worst, Weirdest and Tackiest Christmas Presents To Spoil The Season

 Christmas is here again, which means its time get gifts for your selfish friends and the family members you care so much about that you only see them annually. While time is running out to get gifts, this guide can help you find the right present for all the wrong people in your life, including:

The Perfect Gift For
The Girl You're Stalking:

 

As you may have noticed in last year's Christmas gift list and the Valentine's gift list, nothing says "I love you" like a dead animal turned into jewelry. Diamonds may be forever, but so is death when you think about it --and hey, girls love animals, right?

The Perfect Gift For
Your Twilight-Loving Girlfriend:

We all know that the most romantic thing a guy can do is suck out your blood to make you immortal. Unfortunately, most of us don't actually know any real vampires (and no, the loser goths with dental-implant fangs don't count), so if you want to show someone how much you want them to be with you forever, get them a necklace that symbolizes your lust for their blood. (Update: This necklace is no longer available. Perhaps this blood chocker would be a good alternative.)

The Perfect Gift For
The Philanthropic Idiot You Secretly Can't Stand:

 

You know the jerk who makes donations in everyone's name for a cause he cares about when the gift receiver would rather have presents? What better way to get back at him then donating in his name to a charity of your choice --one that doesn't really exist and costs you nothing! Care4Less allows you to choose one of eight fake charities, like Leprechaun Leprosy, and then your non-loved one will receive a personalized email with the amount you didn't really donate in his or her name.

The Perfect Gift For
The Girl Who's Desperate to Snag a Husband at Any Cost:

Sure you'll be doing a disservice to all mankind and creating an incredibly Glee-like scenario with a girl faking her pregnancy with this always positive pregnancy test, but at least your psychotically desperate friend will have a husband --at least, for a few months until he finds out about the deception. (Buy here)

The Perfect Gift For
The Office Workers Who Always Get Their Lunches Stolen:

 

At most offices, the majority of employees are respectful enough to avoid eating one another's lunches. Unfortunately, not all workers share this same level of courtesy (like the disgusting girl at my office who also pees all over the toilet seat whenever she goes to the bathroom despite constant warnings...but enough about my pathetic life). If you know some poor office schlub who always finds their lunch stolen, get them these great cookie cutters so at least their dessert will stay safe. When coupled with a moldy lunch bag, your friend may actually start to enjoy lunch at the office again. (Buy here)

The Perfect Gift For
The Teens Who Try Way Too Hard To Fit In:

Whether its for your own child or one of your obnoxious cousins, nothing says "I care about your reputation but don't want to spend too much on you" more than a $20 fake iPhone. Now teens can go to class and pretend to play with their smart phone just like everyone else --and at least if it gets confiscated by the teacher it's no big deal.

The Perfect Gift For
The Pimped Out Geek (Or Geekette):

These days, it's not uncommon for there to be a larger percentage of hot girls at a comic book convention than at an MMA fight. That's why this bed, made by the same brilliant woman who created the cheeseburger bed, might actually help your geeky friends impress possible romantic conquests, rather than just chasing them away.

The Perfect Gift For
The Woman Who Sounds Like Fran Drescher:

We all know someone with a grating voice. Sure, they may be a great person, but to actually listen to them talk can be like hours spent in purgatory. Fortunately, this great Japanese invention can help them trade in their Frannie voice and start sounding like a Marilyn in no time at all.

The Perfect Gift For
The "Ironic" Tee Shirt Wearer:

You know the guy who started listening to Def Leopard because he thought it was funny? Yeah, this Jewpac shirt is just what every non-Jewish, rap-hater needs to add to their collection of humorous (I use the word loosely) shirts. (Update: This shirt is no longer available.)

The Perfect Gift For
The Guy Who Has to Wear a Chain to Know Where to Stop Shaving:

Let's face it, back hair, particularly sweater-thick back hair, is pretty gross. Still, it's not exactly easy to take care of the problem yourself --until now. Finally someone has mixed the ever-useful back scratcher with a hair-removal tool so anyone can have a stubbly, but nude-sweater-free back. (Buy here)

The Perfect Gift For

For Your Creepy Alcoholic Uncle:

You know he's going to drink too much and hit on everyone not directly related to him this year, but at least you can help him do it in a festive manner with this delightfully tacky treat. Better still, it will help make everyone a little less uncomfortable, after all, if Santa pees in the corner, we know it's only because he's so tired after staying up all night delivering presents.

The Perfect Gift For
The World's Most Pampered Pooches:

Remember, just because your pup smells other dog's butts doesn't mean she wants them to smell her unscented derriere. Of course, if your dog is this snooty, don't cheap out on the $50 bottle of Sexy Beast, you'd better go all the way and buy the $850 limited edition bottle adorned with Swarovski crystals.

The Perfect Gift For
The Guy Who Thinks He's An Orc:

Whether he loves Lord of the Rings a bit too much or has actually started believing he is his World of Warcraft avatar, any orc-obsessed fan boy would be honored to drink out of this manly stein. Best of all, if he fills the two-liter drinking vessel with Monster instead of beer, it will give him just enough energy to get in another 24 hours of gaming.

So what do you think about these gift ideas? Any folks you are having difficulty finding the perfect gift for?

Comments
Dec 18, 2009
by Anonymous

always positive pregnancy test

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-