Anti-Valentine, your time has come. It's now HOT and COOL to be single, mate-less and totally available on Valentines Day. And to prove that you're not just a sullen, lonely, bitter, ostracized person, that you're welcome and even respected in certain circles, Anti-Valentines have made it to the very selective group of observations recognized by GREETING CARD COMPANIES!
Valentine's Day is the second most profitable time of the year for the card companies... but why stop there? Anti-Valentines, aka "people not paired," account for 43 percent of Americans. Why shouldn't they get ripped off for a $4.95 card and envelop too? The government might even be able to squeeze some extra postage out of them for irregularly-sized Anti-Valentine cards.
The market for Anti-Val gifts is still in its infancy, but I've found 10 doozys that are going to make some entrepreneurs very happy this February 15. (Anti-Valentines Day is officially February 15, but "celebration" dates do not seem to be critical.)
Anti-Valentine Gift No. 1: I Don't Think So
Timing is everything. If he's on the outs with you this Valentine's Day, let him know you're Anti-Valentine, no matter what. You won't give in until he admits he's wrong! Send the message subtly with this pair of panties, and he'll know he has more crawling to do. Available from GroovyNet.net for $10.95.
Anti-Valentine Gift No. 2: It Was Only About The Chocolate
Do you remember when you just had to have a sweetheart on Valentine's Day? As a teen, you may have attached easily to someone just to "make it through" Valentine's Day. Wouldn't this decal (available on t-shirts, mugs, and other items from Holiday Place) be a delicious way to say goodbye? (Oooh, I love it!)
Anti-Valentine Gift Number 3: A Dude Can Only Take So Much!
Got a thing for her, but she's just not treating you right? You know she's a heartless bitch, so why not let her know what you think? She likes little stuffed animals, anyway. The Heartless Bitch is available from HeartlessBitches.com for $7.95.
Anti-Valentine Gift Number 4: Was That It?
If you really never, ever, ever want to see the guy again, this sentiment should do it... unless it's too subtle. Available in t-shirts, mugs, and even thongs, from The Sticker Wizard & Goth Monkey.
While perhaps childish, I can see where a t-shirt like this would make you feel somewhat comforted, especially if you were to accidentally bump into your ex at the gym. Available from HeartlessBitches.com in three sizes for $18.
Anti-Valentine Gift No. 5: Get Over Yourself; I Already Have
Anti- Valentine Gift No. 6: Here's A Hint, Honey! These dogs get to humping on USB power and don't stop until you remove them "from the source of their pleasure." The USB Humping Dog is available in Doberman, Husky, Boxer, and Beagle from Amazon for around $10.
Anti-Valentines Day Gift No. 7: Stick It To Him/Her
When you're really hurting you need to stick a few pins in the doll, don't you? The EX Knife Holder is a practical way to release your pain whether the knives are slicing tomatoes or "returned" to your EX. This is actually a fine set of quality knives with a 25 year warranty (so you can save it for each EX). Available from Amazon for $69.99 in red, black, and chrome.
Anti-Valentine Gift No. 8: Dead Roses
Is your babe or dude saying one thing and doing another? There's no better way to let them know you're on to them, but to send a dozen dead red roses. Nothing smells or feels quite like dead red roses, and think of how much money you'll save. Available at DeadFlowerFlorist.com for $19.95.
Anti-Valentine Gift No. 9: Sarcastic Candy Hearts
Just like dead roses, sarcastic candy hearts make perfect Anti-Valentine gifts. Bittersweets are available in three colorful tins at ThinkGeek.com for $9.99
Anti-Valentine Gift No. 10: Love Sucks CD
Here's a perfect Anti-Valentine for those who want to dwell on their emotional pain. A CD by a string quartet that pays tribute to the great bands of rock and pop music. Songs like Buried a Lie (The String Quartet Tribute to Senses Fail), The Ghost of You (The String Quartet Tribute to My Chemical Romance), A Box Full of Sharp Objects (The String Quartet Tribute to The Used), and 11 others, can help you or a friend wallow in your misery on Valentine's or Anti-Valentine's Day. Available at Amazon.com for $15.49.
And we didn't even touch on Anti-Val greeting cards! Have a great Anti-Valentine's Day!