Bizarre Breast Massage Robot Ready to Bust Out
Though my beat is usually Japan, this item from China was just too weird to pass up. How weird is too weird? Try "beyond Japanese weird", and that's saying something!
The Breast Massage Robot is the subject of a patent application for a robotic device which, according to the developers, is "capable to give physical massage to human breast the way professional massagers do." Wait a minute, there are professional breast massagers?? I don't recall taking that college course... at least, not on campus.
Maybe I'm wrong, but bizarre breast products seem to be designed by men while practical breast products are designed by women... that sounds about right, actually. In this case, the designer is listed on the patent application as "Wang Wei" - no snickering, please - and though I can't say whether Wang is male or female, I'm confident it's the former.
I can just imagine Wang and his group of nerdy interns, burning the midnight oil as they struggle to strap their Breast Massage Robot prototype onto a pilfered store mannequin... what, you thought they'd test it on a live girl?? Dollars to donuts, Wang & Co. rarely get out of Mom's basement long enough to even talk to a real woman. Or be slapped by one, which would be the likely result of any testing requests.
But I digress. Let's talk about the Breast Massage Robot. More of a "Bra From Hell" than an actual robot, this scary-looking device somewhat resembles a pair of egg-beaters secured to a restrictive metal frame. Ah yes, the ladies will be lining up to get their shot at Beelze-Boob! Check it out:
Freaky... pastel tints (yes, tints) notwithstanding. But wait - according to Wang's patent application, women want and need the Breast Massage Robot. He lists, and I've preserved his exact words, 8 different consumer groups identified through costly market research - which probably means they cruised the local market and accosted the female customers:
1. Girls who are reaching or having reached puberty, hope to improve the growth of breast.
While it's likely that many pubescent girls do indeed "hope to improve the growth of breast", who's going to pay for the little princess's er, growth inducer? Mom? Not likely. Dad? He left the room so fast, the drop in air pressure made my ears pop.
2. Women who received surgery in the breast, desire to have a faster and better recovery.
I'd like to give the Wang Gang the benefit of the doubt on this, but what post-operative woman is going to test her fresh stitches against The Breastinator? Starring Areola Schwarzenipple.
3. Mothers, who are nursing babies, want to release the pain and to accelerate the secretion of breast milk.
This sounded somewhat reasonable until it dawned on me that babies perform the same function - without all the whirring, clanking and making you look ridiculous.
4. Female who is having the period, want to release the swelling pain of breasts.
Gee, I always heard that a common side-effect of "that time of the month" was breast tenderness. Maybe the tenderness comes from overuse of Wang's Mangler. Maybe I'm being given a variation of the "headache" excuse. Hmmm...
5. Women who want to lower the incidence of mastopathies.
Wang states that "seventy percent of women are suffering various mastopathies". That's a lot of mastopathies, whatever they are! I'm sure Wang & Associates have conducted extensive clinical trials to show that their soon-to-be-maybe-hopefully patented device does indeed lower the... Wang? Wang?? He was here a minute ago...
6. Women, who are under pressure, want to relax themselves.
As do we all. But not like this.
7. Women who want to improve the quality of their sex activities.
Now you just KNOW a guy wrote this one in. The same guy, by the way, who said that "love juice" is a great source of low-fat protein and also makes a wonderful face toner. I'm not that guy but truth be told, we're all randy rascals who think alike.
8. Women who want to have pretty breasts.
I would imagine that would include, well, ALL women. Come to think of it, all men as well... that is, all men would like all women to have pretty breasts. What did you think I meant?
Anyway, it's quite the list. I personally think the Wangmeister ran out of target markets after number 5 but wanted to extend the list to 8 - the number of Business Prosperity in Chinese culture. Sorry Dubya, even a list of 888 consumer groups won't make the Breast Massage Robot fly - though looking at those twin props, flying is definitely in the range of possibility.
Wang has provided a professionally shot grainy video so that whatever passes for a Patent Review Board in China is clear on the intended function of Wang's Folly: to mechanically massage breasts while enlarging Wang's, er, personal bank account. Yep, I was right... Beijing People's Department Store #182, we've found your missing mannequin:
By the way, Wang's company is officially known as the "Beijing BUBBY Robot Technologies CO., LTD." Seriously. I think it's pronounced, "booby robot". Isn't that precious?
You may have assumed that I'm more than cynical about the success of Wang Wei's Breast Massage Robot, even if he somehow manages to get it patented. Or find investors. Stranger things have happened, and China is a newly industrialized nation whose people are longing to embrace modern technology. China's women, on the other hand, may decline to be embraced by the Motorized Melon Mauler. In that case, it's back to the drawing board for Wei Wang - led there, by the ear, by his Mom. (via LinkNotes and massage99)
Japanese Innovations Writer