China Fights Somali Pirates with Army of Dolphins!

by Rick Martin

At least China's state media is good for something. From Xinhuanet.com comes what must surely be the best news headline ever, 'Thousands of Dolphins Block Somali Pirates.' As you read through the story it only gets better:

The Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.
The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness befor the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while. China initiated its three-ship escort task force on Dec. 26 last year.

What?! C'mon China... I mean, if you're going to tell us about your amazing task force of pirate-fighting dolpins, you could at least give them lasers too. I bet that's what Japan would have done.

No word on whether this dolphin task force will be enlisted to control pesky Tibetan protestors, although word on the street is that the Dalai Lama is secretly assembling a force of Ninja Turles in Dharamsala.