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Onion 'Future News' Replacing Social Media News For A Fee - No Joke!

The slogan for a new news format is: "A lot of networks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens." The tag line is: "To stay ahead in today's world, you have to know what's going to happen in tomorrow's." Catchy catch-phrases - but is it enough to warrant a price tag?

Since we've just gotten use to receiving our news in real-time through the social media outlets of Twitter and Facebook, it might be a little bit difficult to put our collective heads around receiving news from the future. Nonetheless, that is the premise for the Onion News Network's 'Future News' show when it premieres later this summer. And apparently since this is 'premium' news you will not be able to receive any place else, the satirical network is going to charge you for the content.

Note the sign-up on the Onion's Store page, should you be inclined to purchase a subscription.


According to a Mashable report, the content is so exclusive, the "news that hasn't happened yet" will be transported to your computers via "state-of-the-art wormhole satellites… from the year 2137," more than 125 years from today.

The Web site touts the fact that while the world of the future will have moreorless 'gone to hell in a hand-basket,' the Onion News Network will "remain the the world's most powerful media empire, dispensing the finest news, and swooshy graphics 24 hours a day directly into the right eye of every viewer through technology called 'EyesStreaming.' "

In the aftermath of a catastrophe known only as “the Burndown,” a screaming, tattooed thug has been installed as the president of what remains of the United States, the last remaining Israeli and Palestinian are still locked in battle, and completion of the world-destroying 'Doomsday Machine' has been delayed once again.

While this Onion News Network video was produced back in 2008, this is most likely the type of satire you will receive on a 'Future News' episode. New panelists discuss whether the controversial decisions made by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicates robots have taken over too much control of our lives.



While I have been a fan of Onion's humor for over ten years having religiously picked up their weekly tabloid at the free news dispensers on the streets of Manhattan, I would be hard-pressed to pay for their content online. If the Onion organization is so eager to monetize its site, I would suggest they sell it to Comedy Central like they've already done with their Onion Sports Network, which will air in 2011.

What do you think about Onion's Content-For-Purchase plan? Vote in our POLL and let us know if you would be willing to pay for some 'Future News' humor?

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Ron Callari
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