Germs 101: How to Traumatize Your Children





(Flesh-eating Bacteria) Aww, look at his little fork and knife emblems. The poor guy is hungry! Give him a hand, would you?






When you think baby present, you think cute, right? Cuddly? Educational? How about infectious? Contagious? Deadly? GIANTmicrobes® are accurate and (mostly) adorable representations of germs, bacteria, viruses and other no-see-ums at 1,000,000x magnification.

Careful, they’re contagious!Careful, they’re contagious!

The GIANTmicrobes® colony includes more than 60 of these plushies, allowing parents the opportunity to teach traumatize babies by creating phobias before they can retaliate or even resent you for it. What fears and phobias do you want to instill in the newest member of the family? Whatever you choose, GIANTmicrobes has a solution for you.

They’ve broken down these five dozen (and multiplying!) little buggers into categories. You can choose from “How Fluffy Can Kill You While You Sleep” (oh, wait, they call it “Menageries”) to “Venereals” (because it’s never too early for an infant to learn STD nicknames like “The Clap”) and “Alimentaries,” where E.Coli (looking rather like the love child of an alien and a jellyfish) will virtually guarantee your baby an eating-disordered future. Speaking of aliens, your burgeoning space cowboy or sci-fi fan will certainly appreciate “Martian Life,” a mondo replica of the bacterium allegedly discovered inside a meteorite from Mars.

How to prevent any child from asking for a puppy. Ever.How to prevent any child from asking for a puppy. Ever.

Each GIANTmicrobe comes with a photo and fact sheet about its real-world counterpart (letter from Sally Struthers not included). Individual ones are 5-7”; many strains also come as miniature three-packs together in a petri dish. Wouldn’t those be MODERATELYBIGmicrobes?

Which came first, the Chicken Pox or the Chicken Pox eggs?Which came first, the Chicken Pox or the Chicken Pox eggs?

Just as in life, a new microbe is identified released approximately every six weeks. This ensures that your baby will grow up to either become the next Einstein or to become only slightly more multi-phobic than Adrian Monk spending days and nights pacing in their hermetically sealed plastic bubbles, babbling to strangers about the gazillion invisible things that could kill them.





Ooooh, look at da widdle yersinia pestis! (That would be The Plague to you and me).






Not all GIANTmicrobes are blobs of potential lethality: a dozen or so are minor complaints “Maladies.” Bad Breath and Pimple erupt pop up, along with Athlete’s Foot and Ulcer. These four share a category with mono, the GIANTmicrobe referred to as “Kissing Disease” (allowing parents to rehearse their “You are not going out on any dates until you’re at least 30” speech for at least a decade) and Giardia, a nasty intestinal infection caused by drinking contaminated water. I wouldn’t exactly equate a zit with something that makes you pee your poo.

“Two of these things are not like the other… ““Two of these things are not like the other… “

Of course, GIANTmicrobes aren’t just for kids. They first became popular among doctors and scientists, making them Beanie Babies for intellectuals. Grab ‘em and start building your collection now – before they retire them find a cure! You can get all of these at

About the Inventor:
GIANTmicrobes® inventor Drew Oliver dreamed up the idea during his second year at the University of Chicago Law School. Putting his legal research skills to use, he learned everything he needed to know about manufacturing, sourcing, government regulations and distribution. By the time he graduated and began as an associate providing counsel to entrepreneurs, he was ready to start his own company on the side. It took a few years before he could quit his day job, and now the toys are distributed through hundreds of stores, hospital gift shops and other outlets. Although GIANTmicrobes (the toys) are still front and center, GIANTmicrobes (the company) is beginning to branch into new areas: health supplies, educational products and games.


Sarah Chauncey
Guest Blogger

Our Guest Blogger, Sarah Chauncey, is a veteran writer beguiled by the bizarre. She is here to share with readers those inventions that make the world just a little bit (or a whole lot) stranger.

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Jul 17, 2008
by Anonymous


if it didn't say what it is then some of them are cute.

Jul 17, 2008
by Anonymous

I have one

The chlamydia one. And it's adorable. I used to pass it out to everyone I worked with and say aahahahaha, I gave you chlamydia.

Jul 22, 2008
by Anonymous


That is AWESOME!!!!

Great baby shower gift......or birthday present!