Gifts You Should Never Give Your Mom For Mother's Day!
In honor of Mother's Day and all the fine mothers out there, there is a ton of advice going around about what to get Moms as a gift for Mother's Day.
Instead of the usual suggestions for flowers (Cheap Mother's Day Flowers)and chocolates (Amazing Chocolates), what I think is truly valuable advice for readers would be to share with folks my hard learned lessons and helpful advice on what to not give your Mom for Mother's Day. You may not have realized it yet but the perfect gift for Mother's Day can determine whether Mom is an angel or a pain to you for the rest of the year...so you better get her something perfect!
All Moms are different, so different gifts for Mom would get clearly engender different reactions depending on the type of Mom you have. Here's my list of the top 12 wacky products that Mom may not be too pleased to get (sorted by the type of Mom you may have - or luckily don't have). If you value your happiness, think long and hard before you go about getting any of these items for your Mom. Trust me, I know from experience!
12. For the Mom Who is Really Superstitious:
Graveyard Dust Give her a bag od Graveyard dust and tell her that you got it at the witchcraft store. Refuse to tell her what it does and just "sprinkle [it] about while saying "Peace be still in the silence of naught. Cease all action, deed, and thought. Gathered to dust from dead man's tombs, lay the hex of barren wombs. I conjure the ghost to rid our enemy from pillar to post."
11. For the Mom Who Freaks Out Every Time She Sees Something Crawly:
Remote Controlled Tarantula "Scare [her] with a creepy, crawly, realistic, radio controlled walking tarantula! Send shivers down the spines of your [Mom] when they see this giant, hairy tarantula crawling toward them! Remote-control spider is so real -- each of his 8 legs moves independently!"
10.For the Mom Who Is Always Looking For A Handout:
Bum Begging on the Street Purse This piece is a perfect way to insult your Mom with subtlety. "This unique-looking coin purse started off as an exhibit in a New York art gallery... Artist George Skelcher was inspired to create the purse after seeing the city's homeless using crushed coffee cups to panhandle for change." Only you will know you will think of a homeless beggar every time she uses it.
9. For the Mom Who You Are Still Angry With For F*ing Up Your Life:
Totally Dead Bouquet of Flowers "Here's your chance to get even by sending dead flowers. We will ship them anywhere in the US. Flowers will vary, some will be roses, we will also include weeds! We can even add in cobwebs if you want. All orders are custom wrapped...As we individually design each bouquet please allow one week from the time you order as we custom dry our own material using a preserving process that creates a better dead flower.."
8. For the Mom Who Is Always Kissing Your Sibling's Ass:
Asskisser Breath Spray "Just one spray and [she]'ll be brown-nosing with the best of them! [She]'ll find yourself saying things like “I’ll get right on that!” or “Good point!” or “I wish I’d thought of that!” to just about anybody.
7. For the Mom Who is Paranoid About Germs:
Her Own Personal Bacteria Growing Farm "Bacteria Farm is the coolest all inclusive kit for experimentation and discovery of the marvels of bacteria. Grow your own bacteria...Grow your own crop of germs! Includes Petri dishes, swabs, and gelatin to get things growing! A complete kit for ... growing a crop of bacteria plus a 24 page color book about bacteria and germs!" See it here.
6. For the Mom Who Hangs Around Men Who Aren't Good To Her:
Constant Companion Rat Now she can have a creep for a companion around her always and really not be surpised and hurt when it turns out to be a rat. See it here.
5. For the Mom Who is Constantly Stretching the Truth:
Electric Shock Lie Detector Test Sit your Mom down for "The best lie detector of the century!! If you lie you are in for a shock – literally!!! Strap your victim in and follow the set up procedure. Then start the questioning. If they tell a lie the machine will zap them a well deserved shock!! [She] may be able to get away with a few small lies but it will catch up with them and when it does you will watch them scream with shock!!Not for the fait hearted."See it here.
4. For The Mom Who is Obsessed About Looking "Well Preserved"
Do Yourself Embalming Kit (and How-To Video) "Here is your chance [for your Mom to literally stay well preserved by owning] ...items that are actually used in the embalming process. Each kit will include 2 eye caps, 2 needle pins for closing the mouth,embalming report and a trocar button,a mouth former or dental stimulator. We also include a toe tag in each box and a surprise...."
You can get a complete package together, perhaps in a gift basket with the embalming video, which goes into great detail on the total embalming process.
3. For the Mom Who Adores Her Cats:
Dead Kitten Sealed in a Bag "Run Over Kitten -You get 2 like [the ones picture]- No- not real kitty's, these are imitations of dead cats with tire treads going across them. If you have a [Mom] that loves cats, this would make the perfect Gift for that cat lover.
2. For The Mom Who Is Freaked Out About Growing Old and Dying:
Constant Reminder Coffin Coffee Table "The ultimate conversation centre piece for any home. Sleek, in-your-face concept designed for the little [freak] in all of us. Available with a glass or wood top. Glass table top allows for creative display possibilities in casket cavity - wines, skeletons, fish, enemies, etc."
1. For the Mom Who is Totally Full of ****:
Beautifully Wrapped Gift Box Filled with Real Poop "The Original Fecalgram™ is a 100% natural, freshly squeezed, human made turd that is sealed in a high quality box which we then decorate to make it look like an expensive gift. We then ship it, along with any message you provide, to anyone in America completely anonymously."
Well, do you agree with my choices for the type of gifts that you should not get your Mom. Now, wasn't this more helpful in giving you general guidelines than some lame suggestion for flowers (Cheap Mother's Day Flowers)and chocolates (Amazing Chocolates)? I thought so!
If you follow my sage advice and avoid these products, I am certain you will have a Happy Mother's Day!!
Amused and Bemused
Wacky Products Writer