I'm afraid a quick glance at my articles might give some readers the wrong impression: that I have an affinity for anything relating to bodily functions. In particular, anything people do in the bathroom. Well, those readers are wrong. That being said, today I bring you United States patent 4044405, the toilet bowl bull's-eye!
Toilet Bowl with Bull's-eye Target
The patent, issued in 1977 to Joel S. Kreiss, is for a Target in a Bowl or Urinal to Attract the Attention of Urinating Human Males. I especially like that Kreiss felt it was necessary to specify "Urinating Human Males" as his patent's intended consumer. I guess he didn't want his device to accidentally end up on the shelves at Petco!
Personally, I can't believe this thing qualifies as an "invention." Now, I don't profess to be an expert on inventions or the criteria the United States Patent Office uses in determining what is worthy of a patent, but all this is is a waterproof bull's-eye sticker that permanently adheres to the inside of a toilet bowl or urinal. How is that an invention?
Urinal with Bull's-eye Target
Anyway, I am intrigued by all the subtext this patent offers. I mean, is the only way to get a guy to aim his pee stream straight into the large, open mouth of a toilet bowl or urinal by turning the whole thing into a game of target practice? Is it too much to expect that a man should have mastered his "point ‘n shoot" technique by the age of 20!
How about the unintended effect of urinating women suddenly becoming overwhelmed with a desire to shop at Target? And speaking of Target, is the ‘dis (piss?) to the retail giant deliberate, or merely a happy coincidence? I mean did Kreiss have an unpleasant shopping experience in the early days of the store's history and think, "I'll show them?" Who knows? But I suppose Target wouldn't complain about the free advertising Kreiss's patent inadvertently affords the retailer. Sure, it's not like seeing your logo prominently displayed at Wimbledon, but take heart Target executive team - lots of people don't tune into Wimbledon, but everybody pees!
Target's Famous Bull's-eye Logo
Take it from me, if you want to outfit your bathroom in a way that practically ensures you'll never again step in a wet spot on the floor in front of your toilet in the middle of the night, then do yourself a favor and seek out one of these water-resistant stickers. Of course, the stickers only give your guy something to aim at; they don't make his hands or his stance anymore steady. For that you'll want to add a toilet headrest to your bathroom's overall design scheme.
These patented ideas may not make your bathroom look its best, but it will keep you from hurling insults at the guy in your life who couldn't hit a parked semi with a basketball if he was standing only two feet away from the truck! But then again what do I know? After all, I have absolutely no interest in anything pertaining to bodily functions or the rooms where those functions are performed.