Sigmund Freud theorized that our sexuality develops through various fixations. According to Freud, experiencing these fixations in their entirety resulted in a psychosexually well-adjusted individual. But miss any part of any one of the fixations, or simply skip a fixation all together and we could be in big trouble. Luckily for us, United States patent D301835
enables the psychosexual slackers among us to complete the oral fixation stage anytime we want, or simply prolong it for as long as we like.Never Too Old to Suck Some Thumb
In 1989, Jeffrey Gorman and Maryann Katz of Los Angeles - the place where psychosexual dramas play out for the entire world to see and enjoy at the local Cineplex - were granted a patent for a Confection Thumb
, which is really just a fancy way to describe a lollipop shaped like a thumb. Knowing that so many adults express their oral fixations in less than healthy ways like smoking, biting their nails and yelling obscenities at total strangers, I found this not-so-ingenious invention intriguing. After all, what better way to satisfy some primal need to put something in our mouths than by sucking on a piece of candy that resembles a thumb?
So if you're more than two years old and you derive any kind of pleasure from sucking, biting or swallowing, then you might want to consider the Thumb Lollipop
, as it is a socially acceptable way to experience these pleasures in public without fear of recrimination. Besides, you get to suck while working through the fixation that consigned you to the role of sucker in the first place. What could be better?