In my previous blog, "The Most Practical St. Patrick's Day Accessory Ever " I bemoaned (somewhat) our secular approach to this sacred day. But I'm no slouch, and now that I've got that off my chest I can show you how the United States Patent Office is working to insure you'll get your St. Patrick's Day party on this year with three good times patents!
Keg Hat / Be the Beer!
The first of the three patents is modest and recognizable. The Keg Hat is a simple, portable, wearable keg. Sure it looks silly, but the good news is anywhere you're likely to wear this thing - sporting events, picnics, sporting events - people will probably be envious of your forethought and thrifty approach to vice indulgence. Now when your friends proclaim that all that drinking has really gone to your head you can make honest men and women of your drunken pals!
In the good ol' American tradition of "I can do better," it seems the Portable Bar Hat may have gone where no drink cap has gone before. That's because this hat is made for more discerning drinking, as it is equipped with all manner of containers to hold not only beer, but also sodas and spirits for mixed drinks! I'll grant you the hat is complicated to operate, just read these instructions from the patent application:
To drink from the first soft drink container only, a user would open the valves in the first and fourth ports 12a, 12b on the first gang valve 10 and the fifth and tenth ports 22a, 22f on the second gang valve 20 and suck on the free end 58b of the eighth tube 58. Soft drink from the first drink container 31 would flow out of the container 31, through the first tube 51, into the first port 12a and the first mixing chamber 11 of the first gang valve 10, out of the fourth port 12d of the first gang valve, through the third tube 53 into and out of the hat 2 and into the fifth port 22a and second mixing chamber 21 of the second gang valve 20, out of the tenth port 22f of the second gang valve20, and through the eighth tube 58 to the user's mouth.
And I probably would advise the wearer to do a couple of dry runs (and I mean that literally) before attempting to operate this thing in an inebriated state, but the Portable Bar Hat could prove to be just the thing for drunken pseudo engineers everywhere!
Finally, we come to the least ambitious patent of the three, but the one that brings us back to basics: The Beer Umbrella. I don't suppose any explanation is needed, as both the name of the device and illustration are pretty self-explanatory. Personally, I like the simplicity and true portability of this device. Also, I respect the inventor's attempt at reclaiming the focus for the guest of honor - no, not St. Pat, although none of this would be possible without him - the liquid ambrosia of the everyday man: beer.
All three patents promise to make this St. Patrick's Day the biggest celebration ever, and you the hit of the party! Besides, they're economical too, since they can all be used way after St. Paddy's day has become nothing more than a beer induced foggy memory of the past. What do you know? Drinking and financial responsibility: good times never felt so good.