In my previous blog, A Big, Long D*ck for Valentine's Day, I alerted you to a patent that could help you realize your manly potential. But I'm here to tell you it's not all fun and games. Today, more than ever, sexual prowess cannot occur free of responsibility. So if you love your partner, or even if you don't and you only love yourself, you owe it to yourself to practice safe sex. That's why today I am providing you with a patent that reconciles safety with fun.
United States patent 5163447 is for a Force-Sensitive, Sound-Playing Condom! That's right, it's a musical condom! This baby looks and acts like a traditional condom and yet, manages to go a step further by incorporating "a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer (18) which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated" by forceful movements. Just think of all the fun you'll have - besides the sex of course.
The prophylactic works like this: record a song or message, put the prophylactic on, begin your business, then every time you thrust your recording is played out loud. You can be as sweet as you like, "I love you Valentine," as dirty as you like, "Who's your daddy?" or as conceited as your partner suspects you are by recording things like a drum roll, or the theme song from Apocalypse Now, Wagner's: The Ride of the Valkyries.
Anyway, the musical condom is my pick today not because a condom is particularly new or unusual, but because I like the fact that the inventor, Paul Lyons, found an innovative way to improve on an established product without reinventing the wheel, so to speak.
So remember to keep those you love, even if it's only you, safe and amused this Valentine's Day with United States patent 5163447. At last, your love has got it's own soundtrack!
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