Forehead Support Apparatus
In anticipation of my traditional tendency to overindulge at the holidays I picked up a copy of Gary Taubes’s, “Good Calories, Bad Calories: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom on Diet, Weight Control, and Disease,” in the hopes that I’d been right all along and that alcohol and chocolate are in fact the primary ingredients in the elixir of life. Unfortunately, that’s not quite the way Taubes sees it. But the human mind’s ability to justify anything has no boundaries, so I set my mind to justifying my bad, holiday habits.
Chocolate, of course, was easy. Sure it’s loaded with the refined sugar the good Mr. Taubes has deemed the root of all evil, but hey, recent evidence suggests the bad is easily balanced out by the good: dark chocolate is chock-full-of antioxidants! (I’m not sure there are enough antioxidants to counter the negative effects of all that sugar, but remember, the human mind can justify anything!) Sadly, alcohol consumption would prove to be a bit more difficult.
We've all heard that red wine is good for our hearts, but more recently we've learned that alcohol raises a woman's risk of breast cancer and is therefore, bad for her boobs. (Breast cancer threats notwithstanding, we must remember that her boobs have probably enjoyed the indirect benefits of alcohol consumption for years!) As for men who've had a bit too much of the sauce it would serve their partners well to keep some doughnuts and licorice in the house if they want to continue enjoying the kind of uninhibited and non-discriminating side benefits alcohol often provides. (Please refer to Use of Odorants to Treat Male Impotence .) But carnal pleasures don't offer the deep level of justification this blogger is looking for. So I turned to prayer - sort of.
Toilet Forehead Support
Many of us, no doubt, have found ourselves kneeling down before the porcelain god reflecting on the events that brought us there. Usually, these moments result in some sort of vow that our lives will be different if we can just get through the unfortunate experience at hand. For many, however, kneeling is not an option. Often this has nothing to do with irreverence, it is simply a practical concern for the balance and agility needed to navigate our way down to the floor in a highly altered state. For these people I recommend doing your holiday imbibing at public establishments equipped with U.S. patent 6,681,419, a forehead rest strategically installed against "a wall above a bathroom commode or urinal or beneath a showerhead ." Thanks to this handy little device you can steady yourself by simply resting your forehead in the appropriately bowing down position required of your shameful state.
Naturally, none of this will help when you finally have to peel yourself away from the wall and make your way out of the bathroom and back to your friends. Hopefully, however, the porcelain god will have smiled favorably on you so that you'll know, as your designated driver is wrestling your car keys away from you, that tomorrow is the start of a brand new day and a whole new you!