Top 10 Ways to Have a Great Thanksgiving
Are you looking for ideas on how to make your Thanksgiving more exciting?
Thanksgiving is such a predictable and tedious holiday. You cook and clean for days only to have everyone snarf down what took days to cook in about 10 seconds (and that's only if they chew slowly). Then, you sit around all groggy waiting for those annoying people (that are somehow related to you) to go home.
I think that Thanksgiving Day should be a lot more fun...a bit more of a surprise.
That's why really brilliant people like me should try to make Thanksgiving a more memorable holiday. Just imagine how fun it would be to annoy and shock your unsuspecting guests who are just placidly coming over to your home for some yummy turkey.
So, for my friends who are bored, I have collected a few items that I think will turn any painfully tedious Thanksgiving into something people will remember for years. Here's my list of the Top 10 Ways to Have a Great Thanksgiving in 2007:
1. Make Your Guests Feel Comfortable
Apron of Skinned Faces
I love this apron. I think it's the best apron in the whole world, other than my other favorite, the Sheep Apron.
I am looking forward to seeing the look on the faces of our guests when they come into the kitchen to take a look at all the food I am cooking and I turn around to greet them in my Skinned Faces apron. (Smirk.)
Can you imagine me cooking with it on, dripping a little cranberry sauce on it to make it look like it's got some fresh blood on it? I think I'll keep it on all through dinner. I am chuckling to myself just thinking about how much I am going to enjoy watching people's faces as they try to eat my amazing Thanksgiving feast, knowing that I cooked their food wearing this apron. Who wants a leg? How about a tongue? (Thanksgiving Idea)
2. Stock the Bathroom with All the Necessities
Not So Soft Toilet PaperThis is perfect for the bathroom. I love the idea of sneaking this into our absolutely perfect and pristine (as I am not allowed to use it) powder room. What is great is that the slightly twisted guy in me would make absolutely sure there is no paper in that powder room ANYWHERE. I'd make sure that there was nothing you can use except perhaps, the perfect and pristine antique hand towel my wife loves. I can not wait to see what happens as the first guest (victim) with the smallest bladder or the weakest sphincter goes to use the facilities.
The biggest challenge for me will be making sure that I really pay attention to the bathroom so I don't miss the action. Also, I will need to restrain myself from giggling like a little girl and give it all away if someone asks where the powder room is. I won't be shaking that sucker's hands. (Thanksgiving Ideas)
3. Fill Your Home with Interesting Things
Sick Sad Fetus Soap To have even more fun in the bathroom, I think it's important to have some special soap for my special guests. I love this soap as I think it will offend just about everyone.
I can just imagine my in-laws trying to bring themselves to using this soap. The fetus is clearly fake as fetuses are really about the size of a dime but they are the types to totally freak out even at the thought of fetuses (even spiny animal ones). My in-laws are not the types that have a stick up each of their butts. No, they're the types to have a glass rod a foot wide up their butts that we all know will shatter if they ever laughed out loud. Watching them will be my version of fetal stem cell research. (Thanksgiving Ideas)
4. Give Them Lots to Drink
Dirty Sandal Beer Bottle Opener
I love these ingenious sandals. Wearing these, I know I will always be ready for a cold one. But there is a time and a place for a nice frosty beer, and Thanksgiving is not one of them.
Thanksgiving is for wine folks, lots and lots and lots of wine. But, there is always the jerk wanting to suck on a beer while they are chomping on my fancy cheese plate. The gourmand in me does not like that. For those crude-cakes, I like the idea that if they want a beer, they will need to come to me. First, I will give them a really hard time for wanting to drink a beer. Then, they will need to watch me take off the sandals from my flaky athelete's foot ridden feet to help them open it. That should chill the beer drinking, don't you think?
5. Think About How to Make the Kids Feel Special
Ultrasonic Kid RepellentThe Thanksgiving holidays are usually about being with family, which always means there are a ton of little kids and teen-agers around. I don't want to come off as some ogre (as you all know that I am a really great guy), but kids and teens generally annoy me. They annoy me even more when I am busy entertaining. I hate having them running around my kitchen and getting in the way. I can't stand to hear their whiny voices asking when the food is going to be ready. With this smart device that emits a shrill ultra-sonic buzz that only kids and teens can hear, I can keep the kids away from me. Turn it on and ahhh... in seconds, the whining is gone. I love the idea of a kid repellent, don't you? (Thanksgiving Ideas)
Well, we all know that the kitchen can be a very dangerous place. With sharp knives of all sizes and open flames, disaster is always just one thoughtless move away.
A gore prosthesis from Halloween has little shock value on Halloween as people expect to see a bit of blood. So I think you should save your leftover Halloween makeup and use it when you can really have impact.
The kitchen gets crowded with people constantly coming in and out. Inevitably, I know someone will bump into me while I am cooking. When they do, I'll be ready for them. I will scream like I just dumped my hand into a pot of boiling oil (making sure not to actually do that in the excitement of the moment) and then moan in pain as I jump around waving my now nicely seared hand. I can't wait to see the look of the person that bumped me and shout profanities at them while pretending pain and shock. I am really curious how long it will take them to realize the burn is fake.(Thanksgiving Idea)
7. Offer Your Guest Lots of Hot Drink Options
Totally Useless Coffee Mugs When dinner is done and people are ready for pie, my wife and I have this elaborately complicated process of making sure that everybody has the choice of hot beverage, be it Coffee, Decaf Coffee, Tea, Decaf Tea or Hot Cider. It's a pain in the butt to get it all right and I feel like a frazzled clerk at Starbucks.
This Thanksgiving, I think I want to charge for hot drinks. Why not? Starbucks does it. I plan to put these nifty mugs out and if anyone wants it to be filled, they can pay me and I will give them the hole plugger. With this idea, it should really cut down on the people who want hot drinks with their pie and I'd have more money for Holiday shopping. (Thanksgiving Ideas)
8. Serve Your Guests Delicious Cookies
Half-Eaten Cookie Cutter
So anyone with a pulse has probably already seen these cookie cutters, but I like them and I use them. You should too.
Nothing says good hospitality like serving up a warm plate of half-eaten cookies.
What I love to do is just watch people as they approach the cookies. I like seeing folks just grab a cookie to bite into and see the look of surprize when they realize the cookie looks half eaten. Then, I like to see whether they eat it anyway. It's a small thing but it never fails to entertain me. (Thanksgiving Idea)
9. Plan Something Unexpected
Dining Table with Pop-Up Demon
I can imagine the fun I would have serving up my amazing Thanksgiving Feast, having everybody sit down to eat and then have the demon flip over the table and spring out right as people started eating. That would really be amazing.
But, unfortunately, I love my food too much to give it up for a gag, no matter how hilarious it would be.
So, I think the next best time would be after everyone has eaten and people are just sitting around the table all warm and sated from the amazing meal I just prepared. I can see everyone sitting around with the last remnants of their pie, and WHAM - BAM, a disgusting corpse loudly springs up from the dining room table. Ooooh, it sounds great...doesn't it? (Thanksgiving Ideas)
10. Be Available for Your Woman
Woman Remote Controller
With this device, after everyone leaves, you can watch your lady clean all the dishes while you relax and enjoy the last glasses of wine that are left over. Then, when she's done cleaning, you can make her not be "too tired" and make her thank you for dinner in only the ways she know how. That alone would make it a truly unique and satisfying Thanksgiving for me. I am a married man but for the single men out there, you could probably skip all the other stuff and just go wild with this. (Thanksgiving Ideas )
Well, I hope you will join me in my quest to have a Thanksgiving that does not bore me to tears. How do you like my ideas? Can you think on any that would be even better to freak out your family and have you chuckling all day?
Amused and Bemused
[I liked this article I wrote in 2006 but not enough people read it last year. So I decided to republish it and pretend I updated it for 2007. The original is How to Have the Best Thanksgiving EVER !.]