Great Invention Idea? Kick Your Own Butt Device

by Elizabeth Valeri

"I Could Just Kick Myself." Well, now you can!

Did your parents ever tell you all you needed was a swift kick in the butt? If you were in grade school around the time I was - back when no one much cared about your self-esteem or your feelings - you might have heard a teacher say these very same words to/at you. Perhaps when you've screwed up, yet again, you've even uttered these words to yourself under your breath. The obvious problem in this last scenario is that people just aren't built to accomplish such a feat, because if we had been civilization might not have thrived. After all, think of all the things that probably seemed like a bonehead idea at the start: the pyramids, the pc, Britney having kids! Well fret no more. Mr. Joe W. Armstrong holds the United States patent on a device that will finally deliver the promise of parents, teachers, and self-recriminators alike.

Armstrong holds United States patent 6293874 for a, "User-Operated Amusement Apparatus for Kicking the User's Buttocks." That's right, for some reason that escapes me this guy thinks people would actually enjoy kicking their own butts for fun! The apparatus looks far more primitive than its 2001 patent date would suggest. Essentially, a simple hand pedal is connected underground to what looks like a windmill with a boot attached to each blade. When a user is in the mood for "fun," or is just feeling like a fool, they simply lean over, turn the pedal mechanism and voila: they can kick their own butt to their heart's content!
Kick Your Own Butt Device
However, if you still prefer to amuse yourself the old-fashioned way watching TV or playing games, then Armstrong's apparatus isn't for you. But if you're like the rest of us, sitting on a therapist's couch trying to reconcile the idea that your parents were right all along, or touched with a tinge of self-loathing, then this patent is for you.