Love You LONG Time: China's Nettled Netizens Mock the iPhone 5
Apple's highly-anticipated iPhone 5 is finally here and what do China's fanatical fanboys & gals get after their long wait? A longer iPhone... Really? Less than impressed with this critical post-Jobs product, China's clever, creative and critical netizens have logged into China's social media matrix to call Apple out.
The iPhone 5 may be “The biggest thing to happen to iPhone since iPhone,” but a screen that grew from 3.5 inches to 4 inches long is a lot less grandiose than Apple's smug slogan implies. If anything, the trend points to even longer screens on tomorrow's iPhones, as the 'shopped Tim Cook above illustrates.
So the screen's a little longer and the new iPhone's case is thinner though it's not “the world's thinnest smartphone” - China's own Oppo Finder out-slims the challenger from Cupertino 6.65mm to 7.6mm. U mad, Phil Schiller? Take it up with Bruce Lee.
So what if these aren't the smartphones you're looking for, China has wholeheartedly embraced the iPhone and for that matter, everything else Apple offers. It's not like anyone's being forced to buy an iPhone 5 at the point of a lightsaber.
Is it an exaggeration to state the iPhone 5 is a towering technological achievement? Does this new and (slightly) improved smartphone loom over the competition, putting lesser mobile communicators in its shadow? Only in photoshoppers' imaginations, friends, only in photoshoppers' imaginations.
The iPhone 5 boasts the same rugged construction as its predecessors – it can take a licking and keep on ticking, or texting as the case may be. Tough, useful and near-indispensable: what the sword was to our warrior ancestors, the cutting-edge iPhone 5 is to today's workplace battlers.
Even a monkey can become a king with the new, longer iPhone 5... well, maybe not, but being the first on one's office block with a new iPhone 5 will do wonders for one's social climbing soirees.
We could take a poll on whether Chinese consumers love or hate the new iPhone 5 but what would be the point? Apple's not going to lock 'em in a giant vault until demand reaches Olympian proportions.
Is that a new iPhone in your pocket or are you very, VERY happy to see me? Never mind that possible future LEE jeans have their phone-pocket on the back, or that sitting down with an iPhone that long could cause a very embarrassing accident. Million to one shot, doc, million to one!
If iPhones get much longer, will they bend the space-time continuum into some strange multidimensional shape to accommodate their lengthy awesomeness? Extrapolations are that by the time that happens, Apple will have exhausted all possible iPhone numbers and be well into the alphabet.
Lord almighty... here's a question the late great George Carlin might ask if he were here to comment on the new, longer iPhone 5: If God is all-powerful, can he make an iPhone so long He Himself can't lift it? And if so, can we live in it? Don't know about you but I'd love to live in an Apple iPhone Building, even if the apartment have Windows. (via ChinaHush and SINA Weibo)
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