Need This? Three Thousand Dollar Accordion
Masters of musical machinery Roland must have either been dared or lost a bet to build the FR-2: V-Accordion .
This accordion contains the latest in Physical Behavior Modelling, percussion backup and MIDI support. Which is nice, but doesn't change the fact it's an accordion. That's like using surgical steel to make a perfect medical-grade leech carrying case. If you've enjoyed the polka sound of an accordion within the last ten years then I hate to break it to you, but you probably won't live long enough to get your hands on this device. What with being so incredibly old, and all.
The system includes a Bellows Resistance Regulator, which is the most insane combination of brand-new technology and obsolescence I've seen since the transistorised steam engine. This whole machine is like nanotech protein folding to engineer a perfect pointed stick. The one useful upgrade is a headphone socket, allowing the few demented accordion fans still running around loose to accord to their hearts content without bothering the normal people.
It claims that its lightweight design is perfect for young students or travelling performers, apparently unaware that
a)Making a kid learn accordion now qualifies as child abuse in most first world countries
b) If a traveling accordion player could afford three thousand dollars, they wouldn't be a traveling accordion player.
If you feel like committing a war crime you can even hook it up to a speaker system to project your accordionation around the neighbourhood, though there have to be less painful ways to commit suicide. The accordion has historically (and accurately) been described as "the instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin", so hooking it up to an amplifier makes it a weapon of mass destruction. Don't.