Not for the Anal-Retentive - A Brief Safe

brief safe

This is truly a product for the non-anal-retentive person or someone with a seriously wacky sense of humor. Sometimes, I just need to let the product speak for itself...but of course, I won't as I like to hear myself talk.

This is a "Brief Safe", "an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?)".

What is the topper is that you can buy liquid drops to help smell them up. But I am curious as to why you would pay for the smell when you could just as easily wipe your butt and get that smell for free?

You can see the details here. I had notes on how I found this but can't find them...oh well. Someone deserves credit.

Apr 20, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

This is the craziest thing I

This is the craziest thing I have seen yet. EEEWWWWWWW!

Apr 20, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

I'm going to order a few

I'm going to order a few pairs of these instead of the bathroom
doorclip. If I hang a pair over the door, I don't think anyone
will try to enter my stall--even if the door is visibly broken.

This is absolutely ingenious! They will also make great Christmas
stocking stuffers. Thank you!

Apr 21, 2006
by Anonymous Self-help (not verified)


I see no need for anyone to mass produce these since people are more than capable of making their own. How lazy can people be? "Just do it."

Apr 21, 2006
by Anonymous No Patent (not verified)

Can't get protection

You won't be able to patent these since numerous people have previously discovered these by accident. PLUS, what would happen if Michael Jackson gave them as gifts at his pajama party and asked the boys to try them on? The idea is NOT foolproof and I really think that some people will like the idea of tampering with them.

Apr 21, 2006
by Anonymous Inquisitive One (not verified)


Before I place my order, I'd like to know if these are machine washable.

Apr 21, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)


Cute AND practical. I just hope these are made of 100% cotton so that they are also comfortable to wear.

Apr 21, 2006
by Anonymous Miss Proper (not verified)

Disappointed and Disturbed!

I am disappointed and disturbed over this product. The inventor really blew it! S/he smeared a brilliant idea by failing to meet consumers' expectations of quality. There is just so much more that could have been done to improve the finished product, but the inventor chose to give an aBRIEFiated, fake-looking version of the real thing.

I would recommend adding a large refillable depository, highly-concentrated front urine stains, and an attachment for a used Maxi Pad.

As presented, the invention is smudged. Get Real!

Apr 21, 2006
by Anonymous Cottontail (not verified)

100% Cotton/100% Agreement

These MUST be made out of l00% cotton--if they aren't comfortable to wear, who would want to buy them?

Apr 22, 2006
by Dr. Phil-less (not verified)

W H A T W E R E Y O U T H I N K I N G ??????????

There are many issues to discuss. I see some positive and negative outcomes of this product.

Michael Jackson could benefit from wearing these. He might even stop complaining that the boys were only after his money!

On the other hand, obsessive-compulsive disorders would be spending most of their time trying to wash out the stains.

There could also be adverse effects on typical housewives. They might realize that it isn't necessary to frequently wash underwear and the family members could suffer.

I would NOT recommend giving these as gifts since some people might be insulted from interpreting it as a personal weakness that they didn't make their own.

Apr 22, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)


Wouldn't this just add to Michael's belief that the boys are only after his money? He could go into severe depression if he realized that what he used to allege as being true has become true after wearing these underwear.

Apr 22, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Don't Be Silly

You got it all wrong. Michael would be wearing a pair and so would each boy, only Michael would have a $100 bill in his fly per boy at the party and each boy would have two $50 bills in theirs. Then Michael can ask if anyone has change for a hundred. The game continues until there is a $100 bill in each boy's underpants and all of the 50's have been placed into Michael's underwear. The last boy to give and get change loses, so there should be a lot of grabbing.

Apr 22, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Second ANALyst

Why wouldn't this be for the "anal-retentive"? If the retention problem is due, in part, to the person's fear of losing/wasting the excrement or it not being appreciated, then these briefs offer a way to reduce those fears and anxiety.

Apr 23, 2006
by Ellen Degenerate (not verified)


How dare you poke fun at people with severe psychological and/or gastro-intestinal disorders. Being "anal" is a real pain in the ass, and you have the splash/smear marks all wrong. You obviously didn't do adequate research since the product is flawed. Who leaves a perfect skid-mark on underwear?

Besides, these will never sell since there are many pairs in laundry baskets throughout the globe.

Apr 23, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Would you PLEASE

put these in the washing machine already?

Apr 23, 2006
by The ANALyzer (not verified)

Defective Product

I doubt that this would be an effective deterrent to crack addicts--they would see it as "easy money". The briefs would have to be insured.

Apr 23, 2006
by Emma Phasis (not verified)

Wrong Emphasis

If the emphasis is placed on "brief" instead of "safe", then it is, in fact, a "BRIEF" safe. It only briefly stays safe as once the Treasure Hunter realizes the stains are fake he can reach right in and take the loot.

If you are looking for a long-term safe, put a pair of these into your safety deposit box at the bank.

Apr 23, 2006
by Anonymous Confused (not verified)

What are these for?

Are these for wearing or displaying?

PS These wouldn't deter theft.

Apr 23, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Are Those Doug Hall's Underwear?

it looks like it.

Apr 23, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Someone's who obviously was sitting on the new cushion!

Yeah, that's it....people who sit on the cushion muffler and smell neutralizer would still have underwear like these. So, they basically sit on the cushion all night talking to their loved ones, but when they get up....whew. What a mess. There will be a price to pay for sitting on the deoderizer cushion. The money in the fly could be used to purchase more underwear and the process can be repeated.

Apr 26, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)


The briefs pictured look like one of several pairs that are reported missing from the locker room of the College of Bagpiping. Anyone knowing anything about the missing underwear should contact any of the bagpipers. A fresh DNA sample can be matched to the DNA on the briefs and the owner subsequently identified and, hopefully, reunited with his long-lost band uniform undergarments.

Apr 26, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Eureka! More Briefs Reported Missing

Numerous people at the Eureka! Ranch have reported that their soiled briefs are missing. The briefs apparently are quite common following a long training session at the Eureka! Ranch. Since many of the partcipants see these briefs as good luck charms, they would like them back as soon as possible. Please call with any information on their whereabouts.

REWARD: You keep the money in the fly--the owners just want their "lucky" underwear back. NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Apr 26, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)


One pair of soiled men's briefs, outskirts of Cincinnati. Identity pattern and location of stain to claim.


Apr 26, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Help Wanted

We need about 100 new employees to meet the increasing demand for the popular "brief safe". Employees are paid a flat fee per "load" and are being hired for all three shifts or shits. Pick your own hours, based on YOUR internal clock.

Good pay, but shitty working conditions.

Apr 26, 2006
by Michelle
Michelle's picture

Great Postings!

These are some of the funniest postings! Thanks all for making my day.

Apr 27, 2006
by Chief Bigload (not verified)


We have received an unconfirmed report of an overnight break-in at the Brief Safe Factory. Details are still sketchy, even shitty.

Initial reports indicate that the unidentified actor or actors took a shitload of raw materials as well as an underdetermined amount of finished Brief Safes.

State police have been notified, but refuse to confirm the report. According to a police spokesperson, "Our officers are still in the laboratory, taking care of their own business, and are not available for comment. Use common sense: HIDE your soiled underwear". The spokesperson ran off, apparently needing to join the other officers in the laboratory.

Apr 27, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Police BULLetin

State police and Mounted police across the U.S. and Canada are warning citizens and aliens alike to guard their valuables, especially all soiled underwear. The apparent craze over the new "Brief Safe" has resulted in numerous break-ins and reports of stolen underwear.

Police are warning all people to place their underwear in a SAFE place (not a hamper) and to NEVER leave underwear with money in plain view.

Apr 27, 2006
by Shitmon (not verified)


Those are MY underwear and I want them back. PLEASE return them to my dressing room as soon as possible--I really need them to wear to tonight's show. They are my ego-boosters, and I doubt that I can appear with confidence if I don't have my favorite pair of underwear on.

I promise to vote in favor of your invention IF you return my underwear. No one has to can be our secret.

Thanks a load--and please hurry.

Apr 27, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Brief Case Goes Unsolved

State police have issued a report that stolen brief cases have soared into the hundreds of thousands with no relief in sight. To date, not a single pair has been recovered, and the pair reported as found has been claimed by more than 69 people! Police will have to resort to DNA testing, which could take weeks or months.

Pending DNA results, police are encouraging victims to try to make a new pair.

Apr 27, 2006
by Mrs. Douglas Hall (not verified)

Please stop making fun of my hubby, Dougy

I know for a fact that those are NOT Doug's underwear since I do his laundry. Doug eats a lot of baked beans at the Ranch, so his pattern is a more irregular splash and he keeps a wad of money in the fly.

I wish you people would find someone else to make fun of. Doug has a very high IQ and, I might add, is very good at bowel movements.

PS The Hawaiian shirts usually match the splash marks on his underwear. The doesn't like to wear shoes because he doesn't like to drip shit on them.

Apr 27, 2006
by Aaron Carter's Agent (not verified)

Pop Star Turns Poop Star


Pop star and music sensation Aaron Carter has reportedly signed another shitty contract, but this time with great pleasure. Based on a reliable source, Aaron has signed a contract with the Brief Safe Factory to produce a one-year supply of men's BVDs with FANtastic swirls.

In a news conference, Aaron stated that his mother was always beating the crap out of him when he was younger, so he decided to just shit in his pants whenever he felt like it so that his mother would have to really scrub his underwear when doing the laundry. With the new contract, his mother has agreed to send Aaron's soiled BVDs directly to the Factory for sale on E-Bay. First come, first serve, so order NOW.

Aaron stated that he is always looking for ways to make more money since his mother spent most of what he earned, and the Brief Safes are a fun way to make loads of money...or, money out of loads.