Not for the Anal-Retentive - A Brief Safe

brief safe

This is truly a product for the non-anal-retentive person or someone with a seriously wacky sense of humor. Sometimes, I just need to let the product speak for itself...but of course, I won't as I like to hear myself talk.

This is a "Brief Safe", "an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?)".

What is the topper is that you can buy liquid drops to help smell them up. But I am curious as to why you would pay for the smell when you could just as easily wipe your butt and get that smell for free?

You can see the details here. I had notes on how I found this but can't find them...oh well. Someone deserves credit.

Apr 27, 2006
by Mrs. Hall (not verified)

A Plea from Dougy's Mom

Dear Bloggers,

I don't think you realize how offensive and damaging your poking fun at my Dougy is. Dougy was constantly teased as a child and the teasing continued into his adult years. It doesn't seem to matter how famous and successful--not to mention rich--that Dougy is; sadistic people like you still get their cheap thrills at my Dougy's expense.

Those are NOT Dougy's underwear! Dougy has always worn women's panties (the lacier, the better), so he doesn't even own a pair of men's briefs. Now that you know these are not Dougy's underwear, you have absolutely no legitimate reason to continue to tease him.

Please stop teasing my Dougy.

Thank you,

Mrs. Hall

PS Dougy has always had a slight problem with leaving
smudge marks on his underwear, and he is very self-
conscious over this. I'd appreciate it if you would
pretend to not know anything about this.

Apr 27, 2006
by Mary-Kate Olsen (not verified)

My Cure for Anorexia!

I LOVE these briefs and can't thank you enough. I was looking for another place to hide some of my money, and since Ashley usually wears men's briefs (and must have over 200 pairs), I borrowed a pair and wore them.

The rear stain happened by accident. The other day after eating lunch (my usual half-piece of lettuce leaf), I was called to the studio to shoot my new video. I didn't have time to throw up the lettuce, so it got into my digestive system. Later that day, I had some gas and felt a warm sensation around my anus, but ignored it since I was preoccupied on the set. When I went to return Ashley's underwear to her drawer, I saw the cutest little brown marking. Just imagine the possibilities after eating a whole leaf of lettuce...or l/2 of a raisin....or 2 peas!!!! This is a life-changing experience!

I A M C U R E D ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Ashley and I are looking into adding soiled briefs to our clothing line. They might be available for purchase on July 5th since we are eating baked beans on the 4th!

Apr 27, 2006
by Consumer Advocate (not verified)

Consumer Warning Issued

Brief Safe knock-offs have popped up around numerous major cities and are being sold as "designer" briefs but at a fraction of the MSRP.

Police advise consumers to be on the alert for sweatshop knockoffs and have posted 8 warning signs for detecting the fake "8th Wonder of the World" Brief Safe:

knock-offs: Made of a synthetic blend
brief safes: Made of 100% cotton
knock-offs: Regular marks
brief safes: More natural "irregular" pattern
knock-offs: Moldy, fruity, or cow manure-like smell
brief safes: Fresh bowel movement odor
knock-offs: Shit easily falls off
brief safes: Shit is impacted and hard to scrape off
knock-offs: Counterfeit $20 bills or Mexican pesos in fly
brief safes: U.S. legal tender, various denominations
knock-offs: Made in Mexico, China, or Iraq label
brief safes: Made in the U.S.A. label
knock-offs: Sold on the street or out of a van
brief safes: Sold in liingerie shop or fine store
knock-offs: Sell for $2 - 5
brief safes: Sell for $200 - 500

Consumers should use common sense: If it seems too good to be true--getting a feces stained pair of briefs containing money in the fly at that price--it probably isn't the real thing.

Apr 27, 2006
by Brief Safe Factory (not verified)

Immediate "Work from Home" Employment Opportunities

Due to the recent break-in and vandalism of our Brief Safe Factory, we are looking for people to make the Brief Safes in the comfort of their own homes. Employees must not be anal retentive and must not mind wiping their asses directly on their underwear and sending the finished product via the Brown Truck (UPS). You MUST be a self-starter and be willing to sign a waiver for rights to keep your finished product.

Since this is "piece-work", employees are paid based on the number of briefs submitted. All employees must include at least two genuine $20 bills in the fly, and will be paid a flat fee in the amount of $l.50 per completed brief safe.

Apr 27, 2006
by News BULLetin (not verified)

Women's Brief Safes Discovered Near Eureka! Ranch

Police have discovered what appear to be the female version of the popular "Brief Safe". An anonymous tip to 9ll dispatched police to the scene where they allegedly found more than 1,000 pairs of soiled women's "lacey" panties, each stuffed with wads of legal U.S. tender worth a combined total of over $2.6 million.

Police are calling the strange find a "toxic waste dump that is a serious environmental hazard" which may be the work of a "mad genious" or a typical affluent underwear hoarder. The only other clue found at the scene--which police refuse to confirm--is a men's left foot name-brand white tennis shoe with an unidentified brown substance on the shoe lace and sole.

Police are asking anyone seeing a man or woman wearing no shoes or only one shoe in the Cincinatti area to notify them immediately.

Apr 27, 2006
by Angela Soft (not verified)

Toilet Paper Stocks Plunge to New All-Time Low

Toilet paper stocks just about got washed down the sewer following the rapid sale of the "Brief Safe". The craze has left consumers wondering if they will ever purchase toilet paper again. As one consumer reported, "I actually prefer making my own. Naturally, the first time I heard of this trend I was a little skeptical, but now I am making my own briefs and feel so relieved. I must say that I am quite pleased with the way things have been coming out."

Apr 27, 2006
by Carrie (not verified)

Inventors and Investors

A lot of New Product ideas and inventions are posted on to find investors and distributors.


Apr 28, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Police Issue "Brown Alert"

Another pair of the very popular "Brief Safe" has been reported missing from an undisclosed famous inventor, who chooses to remain anonymous but wants his underwear back. The victim is well-known for his inventions and "Eureka! Ranch", as well as his high-status position as a judge on the ABC "American Inventor" show.

While police are not releasing the name of the victim, they stated that the victim is a male who wears female panties, often with lacy trim.

Anyone seeing a pair of white, lacy "Victoria's Secret" panties with a brown stain on the rear and possibly thousands of dollars hidden inside is asked to notify police immediately. At this time, police are not sure if the motive was theft or an underwear fetish, but are continuing their investigation.

Apr 28, 2006
by Associated Press (not verified)

Doug Hall Furious Over Women's Panties Insinuations

An inside informant at the Eureka! Ranch has reported that Doug Hall "is furious" over the allegations and insinuations that he not only wears women's lacy panties, but that he has also been hoarding cash in women's "brief safes" at an undisclosed location near the Eureka! Ranch.

When an Associated Press reporter tried to get a statement from Mr. Hall, he "freaked" and said he's "seen and heard enough--NO. NO. NO." The reporter persisted in interviewing Mr. Hall, asking if the soiled underwear are his. He responded, "I shouldn't even dignify that by answering. But, NO, NO, NO--those are not my underwear. Think about it: Have you EVER heard of any shit coming from a Mensa member?"

When the male reporter asked Mr. Hall if he'd be willing to show him what kind of underwear he had on to put the rumors to rest, Mr. Hall replied, "There is a time and place for everything. I already have an engagement tonight at the Ranch, but I'm sure I could squeeze you in tomorrow morning if you'll meet me at Brokeback Mountain."

A press conference may be scheduled some time next week.

Apr 29, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Work From Home Rip-Off Refuted by Attorneys

Brief Safe Factory attorneys are denying allegations that their company's "Work From Home" opportunities were nothing more than a money-making scheme and rip-off.

The Factory offered $l.50 per pair of soiled briefs, but the work-from-home employees were required to submit the finished product with $40.00 in each fly. Employees apparently misconstrued the $l.50 for $l50.00 and are considering a class-action lawsuit.

Denying the allegations, the attorneys stated that the work-from-from conditions were clearly specified in their ad and anyone who sent $40 with their soiled underwear did so voluntarily and the company thereby does not have to return any money to anyone. One attorney is quoted as saying, "Anyone who hopes to get $150.00 for a pair of shitty underwear must be NUTS. It is amazing how naive or stupid some people can be."

People are urged to use common sense when responding to any "Work From Home" opportunity and to be wary of any "opportunity" that requires you to send money upfront or promises "quick cash" for a common product in an already-saturated market.

Apr 29, 2006
by Teen People (not verified)

Shit Really Hits the Fans

Fans surrounded the Brief Safe Factory after someone leaked information that Aaron Carter was riding with his mother to drop off a trunkload of his shitty Brief Safes.

When the limo driver opened the trunk to remove several laundry baskets full of Aaron's soiled briefs, the fans stormed the trunk and grabbed at the chance to get a pair of the cherished briefs.

According to one fan, "I was trying to get closer when I felt something wet but warm hit my face. From the smell, I immediately knew it had to be some of Aaron's shit. I AM NEVER GOING TO WASH MY FACE AGAIN!!!!!"

Other fans saw the briefs flying through the air and shit falling out, landing on the heads of the fans. Several elated fans had shit in their hair and on their faces, and were screaming in delight.

Aaron has been trying to eat the right kinds of food to give a more FANtastic brief design and now prefers to be called "Aaron Farter".

Apr 30, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Shit Obsession

I never knew there were so many obsessed with shit.

Apr 30, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Well, There Are!

Try to focus.

May 9, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)


A brief safe has been found clipped to a public restroom stall somewhere near Eureka! Ranch. While the money has been removed, the briefs were "double-loaded" and highly contagious.

Initial DNA results reveal that the feces found in the underwear and smeared on the walls and floor of the public restroom belong to two people, an unidentified barefoot male and a female accomplice. When asked if police have ever seen anything like this before, Detective John Can responded, "Not in a public restroom in this type of [undisclosed] facility. However, I've seen smaller feces messes in mental institutions, and much worse feces smears in ABC studios and after Mensa conventions." Police were able to extract a toe print from the feces and believe the barefoot male suspect may still be walking around with feces on his feet.

Police are baffled by the bathroom doorclip, which does not have any identifying marks on it. It appears to be a cheap sweatshop product, perhaps made in China or Indonesia, and it has been sent to the crime lab for analysis.

Although police have two "persons of interest" in this case, they are continuing their investigation into a possible smear campaign and framing.

May 9, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)


The first "crack" in the brief case is not what the police had been hoping for. Detective John Can released the following statement but was not available for further comment:

The police department has found and put under surveillance
one brief safe, which does not appear to be related to any
of those reported missing. We believe the briefs in
question belong to a street-level drug dealer who got so
scared that he shit his pants and abandoned or hid the briefs
in the alley. There is a large sum of money inside the briefs
as well as an undisclosed amount of "crack" cocaine, worth
thousands of dollars on the street. If and when the perpetrator returns to reclaim his loaded underwear, he will be arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
We'll put him where he belongs--in the tank.

The crack in the briefs is no cause for public alarm, although
police do admit that they are per-turd over the incident.

Jun 10, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

These Would Make

another shitty Father's Day gift.