Outsourced Revenge Businesses: Best Served With Glitter and Poop

I don't know how you feel about getting someone else to do your dirty work for you. But clearly, some of you out there really want to keep your hands clean - just not enough to avoid revenge altogether.

That's why there are new companies focused on delivering high-quality services that get even for you. I mean, it seems almost everything else can be outsourced, so why waste your precious time or risk your good name on revenge when someone else can do that on your behalf?

If you think juvenile pranks would be stooping to a level of maturity that is beneath you, hire someone else to do it. That's what mature adults do, right? They delegate. All good bosses have learned this in their management seminars, so reassigning revenge isn't wimping out on doing it yourself; it's just being efficient with your time.

Now that you're all caught up on the concept of outsourcing revenge and why you may or may not choose to embrace it, (just putting it out there one last time, so - spoiler alert - you can better digest my sarcasm) let's talk about the innovative businesses that help you get even with your enemies using some very atypical methods.

The first is Ship Your Enemies Glitter. Their name makes it easy to grasp what they're all about, but just for fun, let's delve a little deeper into their business model. It's quite simple really; for a fee the ship an envelope full of glitter to a nemesis of your choosing. Now I know what you're thinking, opening an envelope of glitter sounds more like a celebration than a nefarious plot filled with bad intention. I get it, glitter seems fun until you're well-acquainted with it. Then things start to take a dramatic downhill turn.

Even Roosevelt understood that glitter just isn't something that you want to mess with, according to this quote, “Happiness lies in the joy of achievement, the thrill of creative effort, and keeping glitter out of your eyes. Seriously, you do not want that stuff in your eye.” Take his advice and recognize that you just don't want glitter anywhere, or it will get into everything and fail to ever go away. When that happens, glitter loses its whimsical appeal and becomes the world's worst craft item.

 ...Otherwise known as the world's BEST craft item for getting revenge, and when you outsource the prank, you don't need to worry about exposing yourself to the horrors that the glitter has waiting for you. Only your enemy will experience that kind of torture, and you pay $9.99 AUD for the satisfaction of knowing that they've been hit with a case of the craft herpes.

The other outsourced revenge business that's making waves is similar, but your enemies are sent something far less romanticized than glitter. Let's just cut to the chase - it's poop.  Horse poop, to be exact. Conveniently delivered by a business called Shit Express.

One day the might add to their inventory of animal excrement, but for now, your intended recipient will receive a box with a container of horse poop in it. Isn't it great news, equestrians, that the horse was given the honor first? You can choose to have the parcel customized with stickers and designs, and you can decide if you'd like to have a personalized letter included with your "shitty" gift.

 As with the glitter, you can remain a totally anonymous donor, as that's one of the great benefits of outsourcing your revenge. Naturally there are drawbacks, like the lack of personal satisfaction that comes with knowing someone else sought revenge on your behalf. Revenge's Emily Thorne certainly wouldn't be sufficiently satisfied with the outcome, and she's pretty much the leading expert on staged karma and getting even. 

Via: Bored Panda, Bustle