If you've listened to the news lately it might seem as though we are on the brink of another arms race. Oh sure, we've made some progress with North Korea, for now, but what about the rest of the world? If worrying about escalating international tensions is keeping you from making good on your new year's resolution to embark on a diet and fitness program that will help you transform yourself, I've got a patent that could put some of your fears to rest - temporarily - just long enough so that you can get up off the couch and into the gym.
Perhaps Viktor Hampel was a child of Cold War air raid drills that taught him to seek shelter underneath his school desk. Or maybe, back in the eighties, he looked into the crystal ball that was the Soviet war in Afghanistan and saw the future, one in which man would continue to devolve in a world that was fast becoming more dangerous, and decided, right then and there, that he needed to save his butt! Of course, I have no idea what motivated Hampel, but in 1983 he was granted United States patent 4625468 for his Temporary/Portable Nuclear Shelter.
Temporary/Portable Nuclear Fallout Shelter
The shelter resembles an inflatable tent that promises to deliver, "Significant, life-saving protection from airborne, radioactive (fallout) particles due to nuclear explosions, nuclear reactor accidents, and other releases of radioactive particulate." Furthermore, in his application Hampel assures us that the portability and lightweight construction of his shelter makes it "suitable for low-cost mass production." I guess some of us might find it reassuring to know we can buy our radioactive protection from a display bearing a yellow smiley face at Wal-Mart!
The shelter is small and temporary, so it won't help you much in the event of a global catastrophe, as you'll eventually need people in HAZMAT suits to transport you and your little shelter to a radiation-free zone. However, if your disaster is more localized Hampel's portable shelter might just be the thing for you. It's smooth exterior allows radiation dust particles to slide off in an effort to minimize direct or indirect exposure to radiation. There are also several "sealable pockets suitable for the storage of refuse and human waste during occupancy," so you won't have to sh*t your pants when you see the mushroom cloud in the distance!
Now that you know it might actually be possible to get effective life-saving protection at an affordable price you can rest assured and turn your attention back to more immediately pressing matters, like your new year's resolution. Who knows? If they drop the bomb Mr. Right might be the one lurking underneath one of those HAZMAT suits. Consider it an updated, if twisted, knight-in-shining-armor fantasy. Or maybe all the radioactive fallout has suddenly made you much more popular with the less mutated gals. Either way, it's time to get up off the couch and make good on your new year's resolution because the end of civilization may never come, but bikini season is just around the corner!