The Perfect Thanksgiving Dinner: Step 5
The following is the final installation in a multi-part series exploring innovative and unusual patents that could help make your Thanksgiving celebration the best ever!
If you're like the rest of us you'll probably overdo it this Thanksgiving and no resolve to consume fewer carbs or wear an oral appliance that prohibits you from eating even the tiniest morsel of food will change that. So the immediate issue then is this: How do you keep your friends and not risk those all-important social invitations when your body finally begins to revolt against the many holiday abuses you'll no doubt impose on it this year?
Your Secret's Safe with the Fart Pad
While there are many instances of farting to be found in great literature (James Joyce, St. Augustine, Dante, etc.), the reality of farting in public is much less noble. That's why I'm recommending you do a bit of damage control before any real damage to your modesty or friends has occurred this year.
United States patent 6313371 is a discreet method for keeping your personal greenhouse emissions a private affair. This non-intrusive" pad is taped to the "inside [of your] briefs or panties in the anal area where it works to neutralize the malodorous effects of holiday over-indulgence. Afraid it might let you down at the most inopportune time, like when you've just met the woman you want to have bear your children? Not likely. That's because this little innocuous reverse feminine napkin looking thing is made of, Activated charcoal cloth [was] originally developed by the British Chemical Defense Establishment of the Ministry of Defense as a highly efficient filter medium for protection against nerve gas and other highly toxic vapors which might be used in chemical warfare. That's right; this little pad can deodorize toxic gas! Therefore, if the pad fails you when you need it most you've got bigger problems than how to perpetuate your family name!
You Wear it Well!
This year, before you leave the house to make the rounds of endless holiday bashes make sure to strap one of these pads on before you gorge yourself at the buffet or open bar. Its inventors have promised the Flatulence Deodorizer's slim profile is so comfortable you'll be unaware of its presence. But more importantly the woman of your dreams will be unaware of your less than desirable human qualities - for the time being at least.