Thanksgiving Patents-Part 5: Smelly Gas No More!

The Perfect Thanksgiving Dinner: Step 5

The following is the final installation in a multi-part series exploring innovative and unusual patents that could help make your Thanksgiving celebration the best ever!

If you're like the rest of us you'll probably overdo it this Thanksgiving and no resolve to consume fewer carbs or wear an oral appliance that prohibits you from eating even the tiniest morsel of food will change that. So the immediate issue then is this: How do you keep your friends and not risk those all-important social invitations when your body finally begins to revolt against the many holiday abuses you'll no doubt impose on it this year?

Your Secret's Safe with the Fart PadYour Secret's Safe with the Fart Pad

While there are many instances of farting to be found in great literature (James Joyce, St. Augustine, Dante, etc.), the reality of farting in public is much less noble. That's why I'm recommending you do a bit of damage control before any real damage to your modesty or friends has occurred this year.

Fart PadFart Pad

United States patent 6313371 is a discreet method for keeping your personal greenhouse emissions a private affair. This non-intrusive" pad is taped to the "inside [of your] briefs or panties in the anal area where it works to neutralize the malodorous effects of holiday over-indulgence. Afraid it might let you down at the most inopportune time, like when you've just met the woman you want to have bear your children? Not likely. That's because this little innocuous reverse feminine napkin looking thing is made of, Activated charcoal cloth [was] originally developed by the British Chemical Defense Establishment of the Ministry of Defense as a highly efficient filter medium for protection against nerve gas and other highly toxic vapors which might be used in chemical warfare. That's right; this little pad can deodorize toxic gas! Therefore, if the pad fails you when you need it most you've got bigger problems than how to perpetuate your family name!

You Wear it Well!You Wear it Well!

This year, before you leave the house to make the rounds of endless holiday bashes make sure to strap one of these pads on before you gorge yourself at the buffet or open bar. Its inventors have promised the Flatulence Deodorizer's slim profile is so comfortable you'll be unaware of its presence. But more importantly the woman of your dreams will be unaware of your less than desirable human qualities - for the time being at least.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Elizabeth Valeri
Patents Writer

Nov 20, 2007
by G (not verified)

Smelly Gas No More blog

Forget Thanksgiving. I once played in a band with a musician who drank beer throughout each engagement and as I sat behind him playing the keyboards I was subject to his incomprehensibly smelly outburts. I wish I had the device so I could have forced him to wear it.

This invention is useful year round for those of us "at risk" musicians! But I wonder, can I buy the replacement filters on eBay?

Nov 21, 2007
by Franko (not verified)

Flatulence Deodorizer

This patent for the Flatulence Deodorizer is commercially available at This product was developed 5 years ago and the company was formed by the patent holder Brian Conant and Frank Morosky. They have developed many other associated products to deal with intestinal gas odors and other odors. Check out all their gas odor control products at

Feb 21, 2008
by Elizabeth Valeri
Elizabeth Valeri's picture

That Picture

Glad you want the picture for your computer screen.  Too bad it's not available in smell-o-vision!  What am I saying?  The flatulence deodorizer would take care of that.

Nov 29, 2007
by Daniel R. Kane (not verified)

I want that first picture

I want that first picture for my computer wallpaper. :)


Feb 21, 2008
by Elizabeth Valeri
Elizabeth Valeri's picture

Where to Buy

Thanks for the info. (I consider your post a humanitarian contribution. Laughing)  With the season of overeating upon us I'm certain some of these products will make excellent stocking stuffers!