Thanksgiving Patents - Part 4: Avoid Holiday Drama & Weight Gain This Year

The Perfect Thanksgiving Dinner: Step 4

The following is the fourth installation in a multi-part series exploring innovative and unusual patents that could help make your Thanksgiving celebration the best ever!

So you're going to host Thanksgiving dinner at your house next year. This will give you plenty of time to get a gun permit and grow your decorative gourd heads for the table. But where will you spend this Thanksgiving? If you're anything like the rest of us, psychologically scarred in childhood, you won't be spending it with the people whose company you enjoy, you'll be spending it with your family instead. It's not that you don't love them; it's just that even today, as an adult, you feel emotionally stuck at the kids' table every time the whole family gets together. But that is simply an unfortunate byproduct of familial dynamics. At issue is the "someone else's house, someone else's rules" principle and how this impacts your fear of consuming too many carbs! And since your aunt, or your mother, or your sister, or whoever is hosting this year probably will not have read my article about the turkey cooking jacket in time, you're almost certain to encounter a dry bird for dinner. What will you do?

One thing I've learned over the years is you can never go wrong by invoking the diet excuse. (This excuse is particularly effective if you are still single.) Of course, you run the risk that a family member will decry your concerns for your figure as nonsense, or worse - for your plan, not your ego - tell you you're too thin as it is. The easy way to avoid their supplications that you stuff yourself with dry turkey and too many carbs is to demonstrate to your whole family that you are serious. And nothing says, "back off" like an appliance that rivals something worn in the NFL!

That's why I'm suggesting you show up at the home of your relative(s) wearing a mouth appliance secured to your cheeks and banded around your lips, otherwise known as United States Patent 4883072 . The patent, issued in 1989 (that's right, it's modern), is for a disposable mouth appliance for assisting in weight control that eerily resembles the dental night guard many wearers of braces had to suffer in the evening (and sometimes even during the day). And just like the night guard this mouth appliance is functional and will shame you into sticking with the plan.

Mouth GuardMouth Guard

However, this appliance isn't all shame and denial. Edward W. Bessler went to great lengths to make certain his appliance, unlike the dental night guard, would encourage social interaction, not discourage or kill it entirely! Therefore, rest assured you can breathe and speak normally with the appliance on. That's because the appliance is intended to allow stuff out, while prohibiting anything from getting past your lips in the other direction. Think of how proud you're family will be at your resolve to lose weight. The children at the kids' table (the real ones) will look up to and admire you when they hear their parents speak phrases like, "taking the bull by the horns" and "that's the kind of thing you do when you're really serious about something." Not to mention the metaphorical barrier afforded by the appliance between you and the little gibes and innuendo that form the cornerstones of every family gathering. All this and a few lost pounds too! What more can you ask for?

Finally, as the day winds down and the relatives retire to their food induced coma activities, like watching football, you can graciously accept a plate of food to go. Later, in the privacy of your own home you can enjoy a carefully monitored portion of Thanksgiving fare while you gaze tenderly outside at the gourd seedlings you recently planted in your window box. All the while dreaming of next year and how you'll do things differently.

Be sure to log in often. You won't want to miss the final installment of patents guaranteed to make this Thanksgiving your most memorable ever!

Elizabeth Valeri
Patents Writer

Nov 15, 2007
by Daniel R. Kane (not verified)

If only

If only someone would invent a device that would cover family member's mouths to inhibit their gorging of food as well as their speaking .

Oh wait; it's called a gag.

On to the automatic family member strangling device!


Nov 15, 2007
by Gloria Campos
Gloria Campos's picture

This is crazy funny

Fun find