The Original Octabong: No More Boring Beer Parties
What does it mean to Bong a Beer?
To bong a beer means using a funnel (or bong) which enables the rapid consumption of a large amount of liquid. This liquid is not only wet; it is also usually alcoholic, either beer or another intoxicating libation. It is a game, the guidelines of which are a bit blurred and get blurrier the more one consumes. Basically, the rules of this drinking game involve the consumption of a large amount of alcohol in a short amount of time. The challenge is to swallow the beer as it flows in one attempt without spilling anything.
Why has the sport of Goup Beer Racing not been so efficient down through the years?
Apart from the obvious fact that more drinking certainly does not lead to clear thinking, the use of current vessels, which are typically used for oil and food servicing, simply don’t work well for accurate group beer racing. There are a number of reasons for this. One, single oil funnel group bongs cannot reliably measure an equal amount of beer to each connected tub. Secondly, the number of tubes requires the same amount of bongers, and thirdly, when different beers are commingled, the resulting taste which is hardly acquired, is reminiscent of a stale appetizer of old socks and shoes, to say the very least.
What is the Original Octabong aka the Compartmented Fluid Dispensing Apparatus?
To the group-beer-racing rescue has come, after years of ineffectual beer bonging, the ultimate party device, the Original Octabong. This compartmented fluid dispensing apparatus distributes beer in a group bong by separating a measurable amount of libation to any combination of beer bongers, at the same time remaining as compact as possible.
How does the Original Octabong work?
Via the Octabong, beer is distributed only to those yielding a chamber space/tube, making the races accurate with separated beer. The Octabong also isolates each beer from the others in the chambers, making those old socks and their nasty shoe counterparts a problem of the group beer racing past.
In order to raise the Octabong for a group race, simply hold your section of tubing at chest level with one hand under where the tubing meets the Octabong top. Curl your tubing upward on your chest and pour with that free hand. It’s important to allow for the force of gravity to help dispense beer into the tubing, which may mean an adjustment in tube curl height. Do not let the Octabong top drop or hang low because that will prevent gravity from settling the beer into your tube, thus limiting the amount of beer in your Octabong beer bong.
Think of the Octabong as a drinking tug of war involving beer. All participants must either remain standing or take a knee, but the party game will not work well unless all participants are in the same position. After everyone has poured their share, take the tubing skyward in one hand, countdown to a raise, and extend your hand supporting Octabong up and away from you to straighten the tubing. Proper group racer etiquette would deem it necessary for you to hold up your end of the Octabong even after you have finished to accommodate your slower friends.
After a party game of Octabong, take a rest and put the compartmented fluid dispensing apparatus away for another day. It is fun, but too much fun can be irresponsible. Two golden rules to observe are absolutely no driving after a game of Octabong and limit the use of Octabong as directed on the warning label. Like most things in life, too much of anything can be a risk to health or person.
Remember always that the Octabong life you save may very well be your own. Here’s to life, to fun, the old college try and the Octabong!
UPDATE: The Octobong is no longer available. But the Bongzilla Beer Bong with 6 Tubes is a good alternative.
M Dee Dubroff
Fashion and Technology Innovations