The Weirdest Christmas Ornaments To Make Your Tree Blush
It’s early December, which means if you haven’t already bought a Christmas tree, it’s time to head out to the local store and bring one home. If you haven’t already bought yourself some horrifyingly strange ornaments to go on your tree, fret not, we have a great collection of the weirdest, funniest and scariest Christmas tree ornaments around and there’s still plenty of time to order and get them on your tree before the holidays.
Flying Spaghetti Monster Ornament
Do you love the interwebz? Could you write a book on all the best memes of the last three years? Then the flying spaghetti monster Christmas ornament is for you. Of course, if you’re buying this, then you’d better not mind the fact that it is sending out conflicting messages about your beliefs in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Christianity. In fact, you may want to go ahead and go another step towards confusing your religious beliefs and buy yourself a menorah ornament as well. (Update: The link for this is no longer available.)
Whether you’re obsessively prolife or a major fan of dead baby jokes, you’re certain to be happy with the array of embryonic ornaments available this year. The pewter fetus ornament is courtesy of the Flaming Lips and is even detailed with the band’s name and the year you bought it because nothing says “keepsake” like a shiny unborn baby.
Of course, if you like your babies to come out of the womb patriotically strapped, then the fetus with a gun and an array of military equipment is destined to help fill the gaping hole in your conservative
If, on the other hand, you’re a huge fan of science and have been keeping an eye on the glow-in-the-dark animals that have been born in the past year, then the glow-in-the-dark embryo ornament is the closest thing to the future of glowing humans. This is also a great choice for anyone suffering from radiation poisoning, obsessed with comic book super heroes or people who just wish they could have been born at raves.
Sexy Ornament Time
If you prefer making babies over actual babies, then perhaps these sex-themed ornaments would suit your tree better. If you’re actually into the science of baby making, then the sperm ornament is one half of the necessary ingredients for making babies in your tree.
Perhaps you prefer the source of the sperm though. In this case, you will need to order this lovely bronzed penis from Etsy seller Stiletto. Just imagine playing find the pickle with this gilded wonder.
On the other hand, if you like the woman parts, or if you want a complete set, don’t miss the golden vagina also available from Stiletto.
Then again, if you are all about boobs, don’t worry about being left out. There’s plenty of jugs available for everyone courtesy of Etsy user erottery.
But perhaps you're the type who likes to keep your erotic ornaments seasonal. If that's the case then you might want to consider sodomizing your tree's wholesomness with these sexual snowmen. If you like these guys, there's plenty of other professional-looking pornaments availible on Amazon.
There’s even a great eyeball ornament available for those of you who have strange attractions to your lover’s peepers.
Sparkly Poop Ornaments
Now that we’ve covered body organs, why not add some bodily functions to your ornament collection? This artificially-snow covered pile of poop is the most beautiful odorless pile of poop I personally have ever seen…I think.(You can buy this here.)
If you asked yourself who made the poop? I can’t tell you for sure, but the fact that it doesn’t stink might make it magical. Who could make magical poo? Perhaps Bigfoot…or maybe, since it’s snow-covered, it would be the Yeti’s.( You can buy this here.)
Strange Doll Ornaments
Speaking of things that give people nightmares, these creepy doll ornaments are some of the scariest Christmas tree decorations I’ve ever seen. If you’re the kind of person who would want to scare baby Jesus, then maybe, just maybe you’re the type of freak that would love these Strange Dolls.* * *
Readers, what do you think of these ornaments? Are there any you think would be perfect for your family tree? Have you seen anything stranger ornaments? If so, please do tell; it is the season for sharing after all.
Note: The writer and/or the site may have received free samples or some other type of remuneration or benefit for trying out, reviewing, recommending or writing about the items covered in this article.