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Zuckerberg Kills Those Who Do Not Follow, Including The Virtual

Since lobsters, goats and pigs have not fallen in line with homosapiens by joining the world's most ubiquitous social network, Mark Zuckerberg has decided to put a target on their backs. However, instead of becoming a serial killer just for sport, he's made a vow - this year - to only eat what he kills.


When the story first broke in CNN Money, the idea drew a full range of emotional critiques from confusion, to curiosity to outright disgust and outrage. Reporter Patricia Sellers says that while "it's an odd dietary direction for the 27-year-old Internet billionaire," she quotes Zuckerberg justifying his position: "I'm eating a lot healthier foods. And I've learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals," he says. "It's easy to take the food we eat for granted when we can eat good things every day."

Zuckerberg's new diet regimen came to light, not surprisingly, on Facebook. On May 4, Zuckerberg posted a note to the 847 friends on his private page: "I just killed a pig and a goat" after initially testing the waters (literally) with his first kill - a lobster.

Jennifer L. Jacobson at Retrevo, on of the largest consumer electronics shopping and review sites took the news differently. As she noted that while Zuckerberg's announcement was rather shocking, she veered satirically off-center in conjuring up what could have happened if Facebook's founders vowed only to eat food grown in FarmVille. After all it is one FB's most successful online games, adding millions to Zuckerberg's and game-maker Zynga's coffers over the course of the last couple of years.

With disclaimers that her post was purely a parody, she quoted Zuckerberg stating: "Until recently, FarmVille was just a social game,” said the twenty-seven-year-old billionaire, “but a few months ago some of us at Facebook and Zynga decided that the way humans evolved to eat food was just too mean. So we decided to engage the sixty-two million people who play FarmVille and see if we could find a solution to the unnecessary pain and suffering associated with traditional food sources and what could be more socially acceptable than eating only what’s grown in FarmVille? It’s sustainable and much easier to do online than it is on the great American plains. That’s when we put out a call to some of the more active FarmVille farmers to form a virtual cooperative and the response has been amazing.”

While virtual animal rights groups across the globe have protested the slaughter of some of FarmVille’s “cuter” animals, Zuckerberg insists the digital animals are killed humanely. “I insist on personally killing each digital animal that I eat.” Zuckerberg also added that he also harvests his own apples, pumpkins and blueberries. “We’ve even created a mobile app for people’s cell phones that allows FarmVille players to download and eat their crops and livestock on-the-go.”
Are Unicorns safe from Mark Zuckerberg?Are Unicorns safe from Mark Zuckerberg?
When asked if Zuckerberg had tasted one of the promotional unicorns in GagaVille, he shook his head. “I could never eat a unicorn,” he said. “I’ve heard they’re far too chewy and it’s just wrong.”

So while Zuckerberg's lates diet du jour has taken to blood-lust - on another satirical front - it's been theorized that perhaps next year's challenge for the CEO might be to kill off the Red Dragon of Southeast Asia. As the graphic novel "Facebucks & Dumb F*cks," points out, the only thing standing in the way of Facebook (aka Facebucks) and Internet dominance -  is indeed -  the Chinese.  Such a feat however, will take a lot more than a knife or a pot of boiling of water, and in this case, Zuckerberg (aka Z-Man) might no longer be the willing assassin, but rather the targeted prey.

Page from Facebucks & Dumb F*cks graphic novelPage from Facebucks & Dumb F*cks graphic novel

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Ron Callari
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Comments
May 29, 2011
by Anonymous

Weasels Taste Great BBQed

Which is why I am hunting Mark Zuckerberg's. Weasels are nocturnal. They often are hard to catch nevermind hunt. But if you roast them on an open fire on a spit with lots of BBQ sauce they are delightful.

Mark I am hungry!