Funny Patents

Piggy You Diet Doll

Valentine's Day is just around the corner and that means that once again you are confronted with a holiday that is likely to put a little extra meat on your bones. The irony of all this is that that extra meat on your bones often greatly decreases your chances of being someone's Valentine! So, what will you do if you've resolved not to eat any chocolates this coming Thursday? How about looking to the United States Patent Office for a couple of incentives to help you with your resolve? read more »

Effective Alarm Clock

I've read that some of the most successful inventions are those that respond to an everyday need. If that's the case, then Samuel S. Applegate holds the patent for what could be the most effective alarm clock ever. read more »

Musical Condom

In my previous blog, A Big, Long D*ck for Valentine's Day, I alerted you to a patent that could help you realize your manly potential. But I'm here to tell you it's not all fun and games. Today, more than ever, sexual prowess cannot occur free of responsibility. So if you love your partner, or even if you don't and you only love yourself, you owe it to yourself to practice safe sex. That's why today I am providing you with a patent that reconciles safety with fun. read more »

Instant Face Lift

Although plastic surgery is America's favorite branch of medicine, many of us are still wary of going under the knife for purely vain reasons. As a result, we tend to turn to less trustworthy methods of maintaining our good looks, such as unregulated herbal supplements. That's why the next three patents are of such interest. All promise to deliver some of the benefits of cosmetic surgery without the dangers often associated with surgery. Of course, it's anybody's guess as to whether or not the results are noteworthy, but hey, it's worth a shot. read more »

Mechanical Shower

As many of you already know, conservationists espouse the use of car washes because the facilities recycle the water used to get your vehicle looking its squeaky-clean best. Sounds like a good idea, right? But why should such a practical idea, like recycling water, be limited to cars? After all, we don't generally wash our cars everyday. We do, however, bathe our bods (I hope) everyday. Presumably then, washing ourselves is far more wasteful of a precious natural resource - one that some people argue will be the world's next "oil" - than the occasional washing of our cars. read more »

Strap-on Pacifier

Technology has transformed the baby raising landscape in some ingenious ways. Who knows? If the following three inventions had been available a few years ago my home office might today be covered in Disney motif wallpaper, and all the electrical outlets plugged up with child safety protectors. read more »

Feces Scale

I have a friend who tries to calm my food fears by reassuring me that something that doesn't weigh a pound cannot make me gain a pound. Fine! But what about the bag of chocolate covered nuts (they're filled with protein) I ate this morning? The one I forgot to weigh on my food scale? How much of that have I got sitting inside of me, threatening the needle of my bathroom scale? read more »

Doggie Dust Cover

Is Fido's fur causing you to fret and frown over your furniture's future? Does the care and maintenance of your pooch's pelt leave you pooped and peeved? Well, I've discovered two patents that address some of the hygiene problems facing dog owners - dog hair, dander and fleas - in unusual ways. read more »

Snot Sucking Gun

Nowadays, the word "automatic" appears in front of almost everything we touch. Today a brief stroll around the aisles of most stores reveals a culture that can no longer, is no longer, interested in doing things the old-fashioned way: manually. Disagree? Then take a look at United States patent 6471679 . read more »

Kick Your Own Butt Device

"I Could Just Kick Myself." Well, now you can!

Did your parents ever tell you all you needed was a swift kick in the butt? If you were in grade school around the time I was - back when no one much cared about your self-esteem or your feelings - you might have heard a teacher say these very same words to/at you. Perhaps when you've screwed up, yet again, you've even uttered these words to yourself under your breath. The obvious problem in this last scenario is that people just aren't built to accomplish such a feat. read more »