Funny Patents

Temporary/Portable Nuclear Fallout Shelter

If you've listened to the news lately it might seem as though we are on the brink of another arms race. Oh sure, we've made some progress with North Korea, for now, but what about the rest of the world? If worrying about escalating international tensions is keeping you from making good on your new year's resolution to embark on a diet and fitness program that will help you transform yourself, I've got a patent that could put some of your fears to rest - temporarily - just long enough so that you can get up off the couch and into the gym.

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Cyborg Hand Massage

Have you ever longed for a gentle reassuring touch throughout the day? Would you welcome an occasional touch, rub, or connection to another without all the messy human entanglements that often accompany such a sweet gesture? read more »

Personal Doomsday Watch

We know many of the vices we enjoy actually accelerate our journey towards oblivion. Furthermore, not knowing exactly how fast we're going is the cause of some considerable anxiety. And anxiety, as you know, makes the time it takes to reach our final destination go even faster! Still not ready to toss out your cigarettes or stop yelling at your spouse? read more »

smoker smile

Thanks to Henry Petroski's book, "The Toothpick: Technology and Culture," I've learned that the toothpick has both an illustrious history and some interesting applications. But I wonder what Petroski would say about a group of patents I've termed, "addiction hygiene?"
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Patent Improves with Prizes!

For years I've been haunted by a musical potty and its innocent reward system. Why is it that adults don't have anything besides toilet paper to remind us how grand it is to take part in adult civilized society? Well, we do now. read more »

Toilet Forehead Support

Many of us, no doubt, have found ourselves kneeling down before the porcelain god reflecting on the events that brought us there. read more »

My mother always says the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Well, I don't know about all that, but thanks to Mr. Hirsch I do know the way to my heart is through my man's stomach! United States patent 5,885,614 was issued on March 23, 2000 to Mr. Hirsch for the "Use of Odorants to Treat Male Impotence." That's right, the scents of the season are what really get a guy going! What can I say? ‘Tis really is the season to be jolly! read more »

Fart Pad in Action

While there are many instances of farting to be found in great literature (James Joyce, St. Augustine, Dante, etc.), the reality of farting in public is much less noble. That's why I'm recommending you do a bit of damage control before any real damage to your modesty or friends has occurred this year. read more »

Appetite Suppressor

One thing I've learned over the years is you can never go wrong by invoking the diet excuse. (This excuse is particularly effective if you are still single.) Of course, you run the risk that a family member will decry your concerns for your figure as nonsense, or worse - for your plan, not your ego - tell you you're too thin as it is. read more »

Narcissistic Gourd Mold

A cornucopia of autumn produce and foliage is a traditional holiday favorite, if not a little predictable and overplayed. Yet with some time and planning you can assemble a unique cornucopia centerpiece spilling with gourds in the shape of your own head, or any other shape for that matter! read more »