Log in   •   Sign up   •   Subscribe  feed icon

How to Be Sizzling Hot - Guide for Men

Do you want to be sizzling hot?

As my regular readers know, I've been trying to lose weight. My amazingly helpful exercise and diet tips are available in my articles on Wacky Ways to Lose Weight and Weight Loss Gadgets for the Lazy and Unmotivated.

Now that I've lost a few pounds, I am starting to wonder if with only a little more effort, I can look really hot again. You know, hot like the guys that woman lust over and dream about when they are doing the dishes.

I know it's difficult for the women not to be affected by the constant bombardment of images of male perfection everywhere. It's understandable that when they look at those pictures of huge biceps and chiseled chins and then look over at you stuffing your fat face with nachos, they can't hide the look of disgust on their faces.

Well, if you are like me and you want to be treated like a prime piece of steak rather than dried beef jerky, we've got to change your ways and get sexy.

In my relentless pursuit to help out my readers (and of course to see what I need to do to get sexy again), I have studied up this week on how to be hot.

From my exhaustive analysis, I found that folks seem to all dish out the same stupid advice about how to become more appealing to women. These tired truisms, like you need to lose the extra hundred pounds and brush your teeth and wash at least once a week, take a lot of work. And frankly, I am not interested in working that hard to be hot. I just want to BE hot!

I also found that most guides offering suggestions don't really address the core problem that most men have...laziness and fear of surgery.

So after doing all this research, I decided to write an article that really addresses the challenges men face in their quest to be hot. And you know that I am not going to be so lame as to suggest some excruciatingly obvious things like diet, exercise and plastic surgery.

Here are my exclusive, secret solutions for the challenges men commonly face in their quest for hotness or 5 Easy Ways to Get Smoking Hot:


Challenge: You're Not Hot Because You Hang Too Low

Solution: Wear a Ball Bra


Many would argue that any man is an unattractive man when he is feeling down and out, or feeling a bit low. Admittedly, it's difficult to keep your spirits up when the most important part of you feels like it's scraping the floor.

Give your manparts the lift and support they've been lacking with this ingenious product from Croatia: the amazing BallBra. Now, you can instantly lift your spirits by lifting your balls in a tender caress of soft cotton. With your balls snuggled tightly to you, you are sure to get an immediate boost to your confidence too. Confidence is hot! (solution here)

(The BallBra makes me think of a Maya Angelou (the famous poet) quote that "Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable." LOL - at least I'm laughing.)

 

Challenge: You're Not Hot Because You Smell Bad

Solution: Smell Like Money

I am told that women have a much more sensitive sense of smell than men. I also know that's true from personal experience. My wife can smell me farting from way across the other side of the house.

If you are trying to become more attractive to women, I think it's critical that you smell really good.

I don't know what smells good to you. To me, it's fried chicken. But I don't think that works for everybody. A smell that will surely work for most folks is the smell of nice crisp green ones...yup, I am talking money. Just because you're not made of money does not mean you can't smell like money. This cologne is sure to attract lots of attention your way. Just make sure to carry a weapon to protect yourself when someone tries to steal you. (solution here)

 

Challenge: You're Not Hot Because Your Gut Is Huge

Solution: Keep All That Fat Under Wraps


If you've been downing a few too many beers or not hitting the gym a million times a day, you are sure to have a bit of extra weight around your middle. Unfortunately, lugging around something that shows you're really good at sitting around eating and drinking may not be an advantage in enhancing your hotness.

I am told that what really makes most women hot is the sight of a man's flat stomach firm with lots of muscles.

Since most guys I know are too lazy to go build a six pack and would rather just drink one, I have a good solution for all of us. Tah dah, it's ...the Male Girdle (or what men who use them call "compression garments"). The male girdle will surely give you a new perspective on "feeling squeezed".

With the Male Girdle, no one but those few who are "lucky" enough to fool with your girdle need to know you are not one of those uniquely prized specimens, a flat bellied male. Finally, women will know the true taste of bitter disappointment that men too often feel when they realize she's wearing a padded bra and that her cup does not runneth over. (solution here)

 

Challenge: You're Not Hot Because Your Back Is Like A Bear Skin Rug

Solution: Shear Off The Fur

I don't know when this happened but society has changed. I remember a time not too long ago when hair on a man was considered sexy. Now, you practically have to be hairless (except in a few key places) just to get a date.

Although I find the latest trend towards hairlessness to be odd, you can't fight fashion. For those men who want to be considered fashion forward, it's almost mandatory these days to have a hairless back.

Unless you have arms of an orangutan, it's probably going to be hard for you to get rid of that fur coat. Now, you can use the Razoback with its special back shaving system to help you reach those hard to reach places. With this nifty solution, your back can be as smooth as a baby's @ss. (Understanding of course, that there's nothing sexy about a baby's ass.) (solution here)

 

Challenge: You're Not Hot Because You're Under-Developed

Solution: Grow a Bigger "Brain"

Too many women say that men think with something other than their brains. Well, I think that's true.

Now, I am offering you the opportunity to grow a bigger "brain"?

If you are one of those poor souls who were not given the gift of girth and heft that I was naturally endowed with, I have a solution for you. Instead of stuffing your pants to make yourself feel and look hotter, you may try stretching things out a bit. Hey guys, here's your chance to make a mountain out of a molehill. (solution here via link)

I have to say I can't vouch for any of these products, because I haven't used them. I was thinking about trying out some of them, but then I got tired. Anyway, I figure I am pretty darn hot to begin with so it's not like I really need any of this stuff. But for you pathetic, miserable souls out there that need some good practical advice, I thought I'd share the results of my research with you. Good luck and may hotness finally find you and sit on your lap.

Remember, one fool's wacky is another fool's cool.

Amused and Bemused
InventorSpot.com

Comments
Sep 21, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

This is hilarious. I love

This is hilarious. I love the Gorw-a-brain.

Sep 23, 2006
by Gloria Campos
Gloria Campos's picture

Very amuzing

I enjoyed this article and your style of writing. Very funny.

Sep 23, 2006
by Anonymous Hopeless Romantic (not verified)

What if....

(1) ..all the chicks think you are Wee Willie Winkie?
BEST BET: Strap on a dildo-loaded bottle sling

(2) ..you are filthy rich, have money oozing from everywhere (and an all-natural aroma of greenbacks), but have hair like Donald Trump and a stinky scalp underneath because no one took the hairliner seriously?
BEST BET: Invest all your money and let it mature until you do; by age 80 or so, an Anna Nicole Smith will come to you and won't care what you smell like

(3) ..you can pull the girdle down but nothing comes up?
BEST BET: Ain't one--you're stuck with Dick but no Jane

(4) ..you shave your back but you are still in prison?
BEST BET: Request a fur-lough

(5) ..the pathetic brain you have won't even stretch enough to fit into the growth machine?
BEST BET: Suicide or hope that love is blind. Find a visually-impaired date with numbness in her hands and tell her that it probably is a lot bigger than it feels. If she questions you are makes any comments, ask her if she really needs to see to believe.

Sep 24, 2006
by Anonymous Roman Teek (not verified)

Come On, Guys!

(1)...Because You Hang Too Low:
"GET OFF": Test a cool product--eliminates uncomfortable ball bearings yet is easily removed when you have an axle to grind

(2)...Because You Smell Bad:
"GET DOWN": If her breath is beyond Tic Tacs, needs a prophylactic, and makes mouth-to-mouth contact impossible, give her some hard candy or condom mints for a sigh a relief

(3)...Because Your Gut Is Huge:
"GET EVEN": Secretly have a vasectomy then surprise her by telling her that you would like to have another child. Lose weight while vigorously exercising without getting out of bed

(4)...Because Your Back Is Like A Bearskin Rug:
"GET LOST": If she is already thinking Lose Hair, get rid of your excess baggage while you can or consider a PERManent change and lose her instead. You can later comb the woods to make things more bearable for yourself

(5)...Because You're Under-Developed:
"GET SMART": It's a no-brainer--men with over-inflated egos will get the best results. Be sure to use Magnums when you have a really good brainstorm in your head at the tip of your ori-face

Sep 28, 2006
by Mamacita (not verified)

Hotness

Hmmm, I agree, the smell of fried chicken IS an aphrodesiac...but what about a "man fan", perhaps installed in a pants pocket, to drive away eau de flatulence?

Sep 28, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Hey Gloria

Welcome to the team and thanks for the compliment.

I liked your solar article. I think I need a jacket with a plug in so if you get a free sample, send it my way, ok?

Amused

Sep 28, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Mamacita ---

A man fan is a great idea. LOL.

I'll have to go look for one in your honor.

Keep on the lookout for one in a future article.

Cheers,

Amused

Sep 28, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

RomaN Teek

You know, I should send you my articles before I publish them so you can make them funny, rather than lame.

Thanks for the post. Love your sense of humor.

Amused

Oct 2, 2006
by frank- (not verified)

Amused and Bemused

Ballbra -

something that I am uncertain will help my large balls, but the article is hilarious.

Funny stuff, keep finding amusing sites and products such as the Ballbra. There is all a Ballmark site, where they put imprints of testicles on a postcard. Think these 2 companies should unit.

Think I will actually buy a ballbra for my father.

Keep up the humour. Great writing.

Frank
Florida.

Jan 2, 2009
by Anonymous

dada

wow total jewness

Jan 8, 2009
by Anonymous

Why do you have to be like that?

I mean come on why are you telling people to commit suicide? That is just horrible and I don't care if you are trying to be funny. I think that you should rethink your life and stop treating people like that.