Do you want to be sizzling hot?
As my regular readers know, I've been trying to lose weight. My amazingly helpful exercise and diet tips are available in my articles on Wacky Ways to Lose Weight and Weight Loss Gadgets for the Lazy and Unmotivated.
Now that I've lost a few pounds, I am starting to wonder if with only a little more effort, I can look really hot again. You know, hot like the guys that woman lust over and dream about when they are doing the dishes.
I know it's difficult for the women not to be affected by the constant bombardment of images of male perfection everywhere. It's understandable that when they look at those pictures of huge biceps and chiseled chins and then look over at you stuffing your fat face with nachos, they can't hide the look of disgust on their faces.
Well, if you are like me and you want to be treated like a prime piece of steak rather than dried beef jerky, we've got to change your ways and get sexy.
In my relentless pursuit to help out my readers (and of course to see what I need to do to get sexy again), I have studied up this week on how to be hot.
From my exhaustive analysis, I found that folks seem to all dish out the same stupid advice about how to become more appealing to women. These tired truisms, like you need to lose the extra hundred pounds and brush your teeth and wash at least once a week, take a lot of work. And frankly, I am not interested in working that hard to be hot. I just want to BE hot!
I also found that most guides offering suggestions don't really address the core problem that most men have...laziness and fear of surgery.
So after doing all this research, I decided to write an article that really addresses the challenges men face in their quest to be hot. And you know that I am not going to be so lame as to suggest some excruciatingly obvious things like diet, exercise and plastic surgery.
Here are my exclusive, secret solutions for the challenges men commonly face in their quest for hotness or 5 Easy Ways to Get Smoking Hot:
Challenge: You're Not Hot Because You Hang Too Low
Solution: Wear a Ball Bra
Many would argue that any man is an unattractive man when he is feeling down and out, or feeling a bit low. Admittedly, it's difficult to keep your spirits up when the most important part of you feels like it's scraping the floor.
Give your manparts the lift and support they've been lacking with this ingenious product from Croatia: the amazing BallBra. Now, you can instantly lift your spirits by lifting your balls in a tender caress of soft cotton. With your balls snuggled tightly to you, you are sure to get an immediate boost to your confidence too. Confidence is hot! (solution here)
(The BallBra makes me think of a Maya Angelou (the famous poet) quote that "Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable." LOL - at least I'm laughing.)
Challenge: You're Not Hot Because You Smell Bad
Solution: Smell Like Money
I am told that women have a much more sensitive sense of smell than men. I also know that's true from personal experience. My wife can smell me farting from way across the other side of the house.
If you are trying to become more attractive to women, I think it's critical that you smell really good.
I don't know what smells good to you. To me, it's fried chicken. But I don't think that works for everybody. A smell that will surely work for most folks is the smell of nice crisp green ones...yup, I am talking money. Just because you're not made of money does not mean you can't smell like money. This cologne is sure to attract lots of attention your way. Just make sure to carry a weapon to protect yourself when someone tries to steal you. (solution here)
Challenge: You're Not Hot Because Your Gut Is Huge
Solution: Keep All That Fat Under Wraps
If you've been downing a few too many beers or not hitting the gym a million times a day, you are sure to have a bit of extra weight around your middle. Unfortunately, lugging around something that shows you're really good at sitting around eating and drinking may not be an advantage in enhancing your hotness.
I am told that what really makes most women hot is the sight of a man's flat stomach firm with lots of muscles.
Since most guys I know are too lazy to go build a six pack and would rather just drink one, I have a good solution for all of us. Tah dah, it's ...the Male Girdle (or what men who use them call "compression garments"). The male girdle will surely give you a new perspective on "feeling squeezed".
With the Male Girdle, no one but those few who are "lucky" enough to fool with your girdle need to know you are not one of those uniquely prized specimens, a flat bellied male. Finally, women will know the true taste of bitter disappointment that men too often feel when they realize she's wearing a padded bra and that her cup does not runneth over. (solution here)
Challenge: You're Not Hot Because Your Back Is Like A Bear Skin Rug
Solution: Shear Off The Fur
I don't know when this happened but society has changed. I remember a time not too long ago when hair on a man was considered sexy. Now, you practically have to be hairless (except in a few key places) just to get a date.
Although I find the latest trend towards hairlessness to be odd, you can't fight fashion. For those men who want to be considered fashion forward, it's almost mandatory these days to have a hairless back.
Unless you have arms of an orangutan, it's probably going to be hard for you to get rid of that fur coat. Now, you can use the Razoback with its special back shaving system to help you reach those hard to reach places. With this nifty solution, your back can be as smooth as a baby's @ss. (Understanding of course, that there's nothing sexy about a baby's ass.) (solution here)
Challenge: You're Not Hot Because You're Under-Developed
Solution: Grow a Bigger "Brain"
Too many women say that men think with something other than their brains. Well, I think that's true.
Now, I am offering you the opportunity to grow a bigger "brain"?
If you are one of those poor souls who were not given the gift of girth and heft that I was naturally endowed with, I have a solution for you. Instead of stuffing your pants to make yourself feel and look hotter, you may try stretching things out a bit. Hey guys, here's your chance to make a mountain out of a molehill. (solution here via link)
I have to say I can't vouch for any of these products, because I haven't used them. I was thinking about trying out some of them, but then I got tired. Anyway, I figure I am pretty darn hot to begin with so it's not like I really need any of this stuff. But for you pathetic, miserable souls out there that need some good practical advice, I thought I'd share the results of my research with you. Good luck and may hotness finally find you and sit on your lap.
Remember, one fool's wacky is another fool's cool.
Amused and Bemused