Inventive (But Ill-Advised) Ways to Keep Cool
This is the first entry by Christian Hoopes as a featured blogger. Christian knows how to win friends and influence people; he just chooses not to. He grew up in a desert and therefore is an expert on beating the heat, albeit not exactly in style. He also thinks they should bring back Peanut Butter Snickers.
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Summer is in full swing with no signs of letting up any time soon-these may in fact be considered the ‘dog days’ of summer. Why the dog days? Because it’s so hot that you pee anytime someone rings the doorbell, and you can’t stop panting and licking yourself. It’s not pretty.
Therefore, we at American Inventor Spot have decided to leap to your rescue. Everyone wants to find a better way to beat the heat, but not everyone has the luxury of taking the day off and splishing around at the local water park-some of us have jobs, you know. It is for these unfortunate individuals that we direct our assistance.
Initially, you’re going to want to look to clothing options to help you cool off. Try going to work naked for starters. I should probably back up here to say that you will first need to get a job either as a stripper or a politician. This won’t go over that well otherwise, especially if you bake pizzas for a living and most of your oven doors are crotch-level. Hey, I didn’t order sausage with this!
If dressing naked doesn’t do the trick for you, you might want to concentrate on cooling down specific bodily regions, one region at a time, starting with the neck. And for this you’ll need nothing short of the official Cool Thing Neck Wrap. As best I can tell, it’s basically a water weenie made of nylon. It’s filled with a space-age gel that ‘expands’ when the wrap is soaked in cold water for 30 minutes; how this becomes somehow cold, I’m not sure. But what I do know is that you’ll be the talk of the board meeting with a soaking wet blue weenie wrapped around your neck. (Stay Cool Link)
So your neck is taken care of now, but your head is burning up. You’ve already suffered severe burns from sun exposure, so much so that the only thing left of your head is your eyeballs, which are situated on mere stalks sticking up from your collar. If only you’d tried the Giant Foam Hat! Made out of genuine foam (not that cheap imitation non-foam you find at our competitors’ sites) and emblazoned with an intimidating sheriff’s badge on the front, this chapeau will enable you to say goodbye to melted heads in style. Giant foam gun sold separately, of course. (Stay Cool Link.)
Now you’re walking down the street with your neck wrapped up and a giant foam hat on your head and you’re feeling and looking pretty cool. But you’re still not exactly cold. In fact, the weather is blazingly hot and the only thing that’s different is you have a large amount of droopy foam that seems to be melting from the heat, and a wet scarf that feels like your mouse pad. You need more.
What you need is a True T-49f commercial freezer. With a full 49 cubic feet of space and a ½ horse power motor capable of generating chills in the -10◦F range, you and probably a few other friends could comfortably pile in here and ‘take the edge off.’ And if it should happen to lower your body temperature enough that your spirit leaves your body and floats around for a while like it did with Michael J. Fox in similar circumstances in Peter Jackson’s The Frighteners, try to make the most of it. Drop in on celebrities and see what they’re up to. Swing by Wall Street and get stock tips. Go to Taco Bell and re-arrange all the sauces (they hate it when you do that!). Just be sure to have a friend on hand with an adrenaline syringe and some paddles to bring you back. (Stay Cool Link.)
While you’re busy chilling out in your freezer, now might also be the ideal time to sample some of the world’s more unusual frozen delicacies. I’m talking, of course, about bacon-flavored ice cream courtesy of the Udder Delight Ice Cream House in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. Made with their extra special butterfat-loaded milk, the parlor also has a barbecue ice cream flavor which features a vinegar aftertaste. Who knew ice cream could be so fun? Or calorie-filled? Or horrifying? (Stay Cool Link)
Eventually, however, your ice cream will run out and you’ll find yourself and your friends fighting over space in the freezer. Someone will invade your territory and the next thing you know you’re stabbing each other with ice sickles. Since we can’t have that, it’s apparent it’s time to separate all of you. But how will you remain cool? Clearly the answer is to bury yourself.
For an undisclosed sum (we’re guessing $5,000, but could be off by several hundred thousand), the Richard Smalley 430 gravedigger can be yours. With a chassis narrow enough to ‘travel along footpaths’ and ‘large flotation tires’ which ‘keep lawn damage to a minimum,’ this bad boy might just be the world’s best kept heat-busting secret. While resting 6 feet below the earth’s surface, you’ll find ample insulation from the Sun’s harmful UV rays, as well as an entire civilization of bugs and crawling entities just waiting to become your friends. Where else can you keep cool, learn about the Earth’s subterranean ecosystem, and be the most popular kid on the block? Your old friends will kick themselves for not thinking of it first, and what’s better, if you stay down there long enough your life insurance policy might just pay out, making you comfortably rich upon your eventual emergence. Again, a friend with shovel and a stopwatch may prove useful here. (Stay Cool Link )
At this point you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to keep cool short of moving to Antarctica and developing a taste for penguin. You might give up hope and exclaim that there’s just no way in the world you’re ever going to beat this crazy summer heat. And you’d be exactly right. There is no way in the world. Which is why you need to book a flight on Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic private space craft and jettison yourself into the freezing empty vacuum that is the final frontier.
Virgin Galactic Private Space Craft:
For a mere $200,000, a seat on this coveted shuttle can be yours. And what’s better, since you only plan on making a one-way trip, you may be able to work out some kind of half-off deal with them (see if you can use your life insurance money here). Simply blast off, reach an acceptable cruising altitude, excuse yourself to go use the restroom and flush yourself to freedom. Finally! No more sun block, no more water weenie neck things, no more burying yourself in bacon ice cream. There’s just you and the wild black yonder. Just be sure to pack a lunch, and however much oxygen you’d like to breathe for the rest of your life. (Stay Cool Link )
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