10 Valuable Life Lessons... Learned From Coffins

In anticipation of the imminent arrival of my favorite holiday, I decided to dedicate this entire month to writing about Halloween. One thing I enjoy about Halloween is the celebration of death and the macabre. I love a bit of gore now and then.

To prepare for my articles, I started canvassing through the typical "Halloween" stuff. But along the way, I got distracted by all the cool looking coffins I found.

You can learn a lot about life from almost anything if you open yourself up to what they can teach us. Being brilliant, I came up with the idea that coffins can offer up some valuable lessons about life. Being lazy, I decided to scrap the Halloween idea in favor of writing about some cool coffins that I already found.

So here is my collection of coffins and what I think they tell you about life:

Life Lesson 10: Life is Simple, So Keep It That Way

Environ Continental Eco-Coffin
Environ Continental Eco-Coffin

It's easy to get distracted from what is important in life. Society keeps telling you that the silly things like a bigger house, a nicer car or a hair on your head will make you happier. Don't fall for it.

The keys to happiness are pretty simple. Happiness for me is a good night's sleep, some delicious food, steamy sex with my lady, a nice big cr@p that fills the bowl, and a long hot shower ... not necessarily in that order. Find the things in life that work for you and don't get distracted by all the background noise of other people telling you what you should do, especially by some idiot writing about coffins. (coffin here)

Life Lesson 9: If You Have To Do Something, Do It With Style

Gold Leaf EcoPod Coffin
Gold Leaf EcoPod Coffin

In life, you are going to have to do things you don't really want to do, like die.

If you have to do something and there is no way to avoid it, you should try to find a way to do it with style. In your life, try to do things so that your taste and values shine through.

For example, if you are dead, you might as well house your body in something that screams "YOU". Perhaps this gold lame coffin has your name all over it? If not this, then what? If it was my coffin, I'd probably have it look like a tasty hot dog with chili and extra onions on it. Mmmm... (coffin here)

Life Lesson 8: Try to Prepare Yourself for the Obvious

Combination Window Seat and Coffin
Combination Window Seat and Coffin

Some things in life are so obvious, like the fact that you will drop dead at some point. With luck, it won't be in some compromising position at the toilet at a Wal-Mart or tied up at some dirty motel.

We spend so much time avoiding the hard facts in our lives. It's much more productive to invest the energy you would spend avoiding unpleasant things to preparing for them. If you stop denying that bad things happen and just start facing their inevitability, you may be able to find a clever way to take advantage of the things that are going to happen in your life.

For example, if you buy a coffin window seat, then you can use it throughout your life to take off your shoes. At the same time, you will have a handy place to store a dead body if you ever kill anyone. Now you're really thinking ahead! Think of all the ways your life would be better if you just planned ahead. (coffin here)

Life Lesson 7: Entertain the Idea of Changing Your Life if You Don't Like It

Convertible Entertainment Center Coffin
Convertible Entertainment Center Coffin

If your life generally sucks, find ways to entertain yourself and to laugh at life. If that does not work and you still don't like your life, then change it.

Take this funky looking coffin that turns into an entertainment center as a source of inspiration. It's a coffin. Just turn a few screws and voila, it's an entertainment center. All it took was some hard work and a screwdriver.

Imagine what your life could be like if you just turned a few screws, or loosened some of the ones you have screwed in so tightly. (coffin here)

So find a screwdriver and fix the loose screws in your life. Make it your mission to go find something to screw! (snicker)

Life Lesson 6: Accept That Life is Not Always a Picnic

The source for much of the dissatisfaction we face in our lives stems from our unrealistic expectations of life.

If you thought you were going to become a billionaire by sleeping in late or look like Brad Pitt by not shaving, you are going to be disappointed.

Curved Willow Coffin
Curved Willow Basket Coffin

If you don't expect life to be a picnic, you won't be unhappy when it isn't. You may be a bit bitter, but not bitterly unhappy. Hey, no one is going to fill up your picnic basket with tasty goodies for free. Face the reality!

You shouldn't stop hoping someone invites you to a great picnic, especially if you're a really hot chick in a short skirt. However, you're likely to be a lot happier if you go buy yourself a burger instead of waiting for that invitation and slowly starving to death. (coffin here)

Life Lesson 5: Make Time for Adventure in Your Life

Motorcyle Trailer Coffin
Motorcyle Trailer Coffin

It's important to take risks in life. If you never stretch yourself to try new things or have enough fun, you will have missed out on all the thrilling adventures life has to offer. If a hot girl invites you over, say yes no matter what.

Don't be the person who only gets to ride a motorcycle after they are dead. If you are wondering what its like to feel a motor between your legs, try to do it before it's too late.

Make sure that if you are buried in a motorcycle coffin, it's because you loved riding your motorcycle and not because you never got to and always wanted to. (coffin here)

Life Lesson 4: Try to Keep on the Sunny Side of Life

Bright Yellow Blooms Coffin
Bright Yellow Blooms Coffin

There seems to be two types of people in the world: those who try to enjoy life and those who just like to complain about it. (Well, there are more than two types but I am trying to make an important point here.)

I believe happiness is a choice you make in almost every situation. Granted, you can't be happy all the time (otherwise you'd be certifiable nutjob). But, I do think that when there are moments that you can take pleasure and feel happiness, you should try to do so.

For example, you will probably find yourself feeling better if you decide to stare at a bunch of daisies (or better yet, Daisy Fuentes) rather than a bloated corpse at the funeral. So choose happy, not sad. (coffin here)

Life Lesson 3: Understand That It's Good To Be Different

Sleek German Designed Coffin
Sleek German Designed Coffin

There is too much conformity in the world. Being the same as everyone else is not always a good thing. So when you can and when you feel the desire, don't be afraid to be a little different.

For example, rather than choosing a boring mahogany coffin with brass handles to hold your body, perhaps you should go for the sleek, sexy look of a German designed coffin? The renowned German engineering may help bring you that much closer to heaven. (coffin here via Born Rich)

I can see myself in this thing because it looks a bit like a great piece of rich chocolate candy...but then almost everything looks like food to me. Things used to remind me of a woman's curves, but I'm older and wiser now.

Life Lesson 2: Don't Fight Your True Nature

Shelves That Are Meant To Be A Coffin
Shelves That Are Meant To Be A Coffin

Don't fight who you are. Even if you try to hide it, people can see right through you and see what you really are. So, learn to be happy with yourself and acknowledge both your unique strengths and weaknesses.

If you're a coffin, don't try to be a bookshelf all your life. It's better to be a great coffin then a half useless bookshelf. Be proud of what you are and let everyone deal with you as you are. (coffin here )

Life Lesson 1: Appreciate That Life is Fleeting and It Goes Quickly

Cardboard Coffin
Cardboard Coffin

Life is fleeting and temporary. You are only on this earth for a very short period of time. Make sure you enjoy it's many pleasures and treasures.

If you haven't felt the wind whipping in your car window when you are speeding down a straight road, slow down and savor it. If you haven't felt the pleasure of drinking a crisp cold beer in an iced glass, forget it. It's too late, your life has been a waster and you're practically dead already.

Understand that like this cardboard coffin, you will surely fade and disintegrate with time, so whoop it up while you still can.

For me, I always go for that extra piece of fried chicken and a hot fudge sundae whenever I can. Take what you love and enjoy it now, as it may not be there tomorrow. (coffin here)

So, from these interesting coffins, I hope you agree that you can learn a lot about life in death or at least from an accessory to death.

I realize this is not quite the normal Halloween fare. But, I came up with a pretty good list, don't you think? Have I missed any key ones? What are some of the most important things you've learned about life?

I'll write about the sick Halloween stuff next time.

Amused and Bemused

P.S. If you want to see some more cool environmentally friendly coffins, check out 8 Innovative and Environmentally Friendly Burial Options. 

Oct 4, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Need feedback

I can''t tell if this article is stupid? Can someone give me some feedback here?

Do I need to rework this thing?  I really liked it last night but in the cold light of morning, I don't know if its too serious or lame?

Help me out folks? Please tell me how to fix this thing.


Oct 4, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Take your own advice!

Be Yourself! Don't second-guess yourself or worry about what others will think when you write your articles. As long as you are at least sensitive to diversity and do not intentionally try to be offensive, you have nothing to fear and can be proud of what you produce--wacky or cool.

Oct 4, 2006
by Anonymous Guess Who (not verified)

Coffin Buy-op-See Eulogy

Never mind what people SAY at your eulogy--these coffins reveal what they really thought of you! Each coffin makes a statement about who--or what--you were.

(10) Environ Continental Eco-Coffin:
-A deceptive coffin name, designed especially for deceptive people.
-This is for the ENRON convicted ego-maniacs and similar souls who thought they were above the law as well as above all other people. Unlike other coffins, this coffin must be buried more than 6 feet under to remind the deceased how low they were.
-Three handy ropes allow funeral attendees to periodically pull apart the dead asshole's remains to facilitate its demise.

(9) Gold-Leaf Eco-Pod Coffin:
-This is for people who were so full of shit that their asses practically dragged on the ground.
-Mourners fed up with the deceased's shit can relieve themselves directly into the enlarged chamber before the coffin is sealed and the corpse therein lies deadly but silent.

(8) Combination Window Seat and Coffin:
-This is for first-degree murderers who received the death penalty. Although they had some privileges while awaiting execution, there are none after death. When all good people rise, they will not be able to be dead men walking--they will have to stay seated for eternity and continue to watch the world go by.

(7) Convertible Entertainment Center Coffin:
-This is for impatient but charismatic leaders who always had to be first and continue to influence their survivors/followers. These caskets are placed vertically in the ground so that their side jet packs can take off immediately upon notification of the Second Coming in order to be among the first to rise.

(6) Curved Willow Coffin:
-This is for groping men who saw women as nothing but meat and bugged them every day. Now they are the meat and will be eaten (as soon as they are buried) by female bugs, especially "aunts".

(5) Motorcycle Trailor Coffin:
-Though controversial, this coffin has not yet been used. It was designed by and is reserved for Evel Knievel's daredevil son, to be used only in the event that he tragically dies during a stunt. Needless to say, he wants to be buried next to his totalled motorcyle so that he can at least have a dirt bike.

(4) Bright Yellow Blooms Coffin:
-Aaah....a nice name for a nasty coffin! This is for convicted rapists and child molesters who sodomized their victims. Upon closer examination, you will notice and understand why the coffin has 3 sodomy holes in it--for deceased necrophiliacs to enjoy life after death.

(3) Sleek German Designed Coffin:
-Do you NOT-SEE that it is a protective cup for real nut cases?

(2) Shelves That Are Meant To Be A Coffin:
-This isn't a coffin for people--it is for vampire bats who want to hang around some of the time.
-But it is of interest to note that pre-need split-personalities are drawn to this coffin's dual functions.

(1) Cardboard Coffin:
-This is for a real stand-up guy who was never board. He was always the life of the party, and his friends can't stand to lose him--his coffin will be brought directly to each party since he isn't expected to RSVP.

Oct 5, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Thanks for the feedback

If anyone has suggestions for future articles or how to make this one better, I'd like that. I am feeling uninspired today. I really should take my own advice.

Amused and Bemused

Oct 5, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Inspiration for Amused and Bemused:

When you start to question the worthiness of your newest article, all you have to do is look at some of the total reads on previous articles. For example, "Ten Types of Men You Need to Avoid" and "Ten Types of Women You Need to Avoid" had over 102,000 and 256,000 reads respectively. "Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Date" had over 101,000 reads to date. If statistics like these aren't enough to inspire you, YOU are becoming the wacky one!

Keep on writing!

Oct 6, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Thanks for all the feedback

Thanks for all the feedback guys. Sometimes my brilliance confuses even me I guess.

Well, let me know if anyone has any good ideas for a wacky products article.

Have a great weekend.

Oct 24, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Great work!

Great! Absolutely great! I loved it! Keep up the good work.

Nov 26, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

This doesnt go to ten!!!

This doesnt go to ten!!!

Nov 26, 2007
by Michelle
Michelle's picture

You need to read the second

You need to read the second page.

InventorSpot.com Team

Nov 27, 2007
by S> (not verified)

Hey A&B, Good one, I enjoyed

Hey A&B,
Good one, I enjoyed reading this article. Nice way to put life lessons!

Oct 30, 2008
by Anonymous


hey this is very clever whoever made this up either your a genuis or it just came to mind (randomly)

Oct 30, 2008
by Anonymous


coffins are a um a pretty cool

Oct 30, 2008
by Anonymous


poop smells very very badly poooooooooop ya!

Jan 19, 2009
by Anonymous


i dont get it