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10 Types of MEN You Need to Avoid

Dating? Looking for a new relationship?

Well, have I got some great dating advice for you.

As my readers already know, I recently wrote an article on 10 Types of Women to Avoid that got me in a lot of hot water. "Misogynist", "pig", and "@$$hole" were some of the kinder labels some readers gave me. Well, those comments annoyed me as I thought them unfair since I am an all around great guy. Really.

After going into hiding, avoiding the small controversy that erupted at various sites, I am now back and ready for the next round of outrage. Frankly, I thought my article was brilliant and I am not going to be silenced by all the stupid femiNazis out there. I figure if you didn't like the article, it was probably cuz it was talking about you!

Well, I had committed in the Women to Avoid article that I would write about Men to Avoid. I really regretted suggesting I would do that as it was almost impossible to find male dolls that were not "adult", and I really did not enjoy looking at all the stupid looking adult male dolls (...and yes, I may someday do an article on them if I can get it through our censors). It only took me about a week of scouring the net to finally realize that dolls for men are called "action figures". Duh!

So here's my dating advice on the 10 Types of Men You Need to Avoid, as highlighted by dolls, I mean male action figures:

10. Men Who Are Always Pissing On Everything:

You know the type; for him nothing you do is good enough. You're too stupid, you're too fat, you're too mouthy. Well, the truth is the guy is an idiot trained from birth from his Neanderthal dad to piss all over you and everything you do. Avoid him like you would a pounding headache.


9. Men Who Are Damaged and Like It:

He's the guy that seems so sensitive and caring when you first meet. He's able to share with you the heartbreak of a broken relationship. You only find out after a few more encounters that he's still nursing a broken heart from the relationship he had with someone over ten years ago.

You slowly realize that he's not so much heartbroken but already committed to never caring about someone again. No matter how much time you spend together, you can never get through. Face it, you never will. The padding around his heart (and his skull) is so thick a neutron bomb won't pierce through it. So give up and get going. He's like a drippy faucet that slowly wears you down with false hope until you just want to smash it.

 


8. Men Who Love Sports Way Too Much:

There's a fine line between a great guy who loves sports and the raging maniac that loves sports way too much. How can you love sports TOO much? men would ask in befuddlement. For most women, it's obvious. A guy loves sport too much when they would rather watch a game than spend time with you.

I realize that ALL men fall into this category after several months of knowing you, but they will occasionally submit their whipped butts to taking you out or holding your purse as you shop, just to stop your fussing. But the sport fanatic won't care that the house is falling apart, that the baby is crying or that you haven't been out of the house in 4 months. All he'll want is a beer, a TV and "some peace". They are hard to tell apart from the normal healthy male but look out for the signs of obsession, or you'll be stuck watching every lame game the sports channel has to offer and feeding his burping buddies as your friends go out to dinner and to see the hottest new movie every weekend.


7. Men Who Thinks He Knows You:

These are the guys who think they are Freud. They spend all their time thinking and little time actually doing anything constructive. They have put a big label on you after one date and a night of conversation.

He's the guy who sits there watching you, with that stupid smug "I knew it" look on his hound dog face. He's clearly thinking that by putting a label on you, he has you all figured out and knows just what to do to fix you. He looks at you as if you were some broken piece of pottery he's going to glue back together.

What's sad is that he still can't figure out how to get someone to actually like him, so how is he going to fix you?

 
Comments
Jul 26, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Ten Types pf Men

Brilliant! It started out funny, and ended up being honestly good advice.

Jul 26, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Sweet

Woohoo! I didn't fall into any of the categories!
Great advice ;) going to read about the women now!

Jul 27, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

10 men to avoid...must 'ave been a mutli-personality disorder

Met this man...his brother...his uncle...

Its all too true...your 10 women was also correct tho I suspect there are men with the women characteristics and women with the male characteristics too...it wouldn't be PC to give their proper names!

Jul 27, 2006
by Joey (not verified)

OUTRAGED

I am an outraged man who is very P.O'ed about this article. You are nothing but a childish little man trying to cover his @$$ from a previous article by writting this article and continuing your sexist behaviours. This article leads me to beleive that you are nothing but a lonely old man...

Just kidding..I definatly loved both of the articles but since I'm the 4th one to post and no ones been outraged I had to give it a shot.

For all those women that read the "10 women to avoid" and got really mad, but then found this one funny, I am truly disappointed. In this modern day men arn't the only sex that can be called "chauvinistic pigs"

Any woman who was upset by the "10 women to avoid" article were probably only upset because a man wrote it and they were looking for a guy to get mad at. Had a woman writtin the "10 women to avoid" article, they would not have been upset.

Keep up the good writting and I look forward to reading about the "Top 10 In'Law Families To Avoid" Haha

Jul 27, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Funny point

I just wanted to point out, that you spelled Neanderthal wrong!

Jul 27, 2006
by Michelle
Michelle's picture

Thanks for the fix.

We have corrected it.

 

Michelle 

Jul 27, 2006
by Anonymous Dawn Juan (not verified)

I don't know, Amused...

10 Guys but no beer, remote controls, golf clubs, sports cars, or pretty babes in any of the pictures?? These aren't "real men"--but if you look closely, you'll see they're in dis-guys.

(10) Men Who Are Always Pissing On Everything?
--this man has an overactive bladder and is trying to get a grasp on his pea-ness (which, much to his girlfriend's dismay, is much harder than it looks)
--he should probably see a urologist, but he just doesn't have the balls. Instead, he has decided to take his 2 inches elsewhere--to the street--to get relief

( 9) Men Who Are Damaged And Like It?
--actually, that's the product of a very bad toothsome that turned into a threesome: Kermit the Frog, Gumby, and The Pillsbury Doughboy
--it goes without saying that they took turns riding on Pokey
--the offspring pictured has yellow facial skin because he is called John Duss

( 8) Men Who Love Sports Way Too Much?
--that's the "Til Death Do Us Part 3,2,l Countdown Shirt"
--the "3" indicates that he is starting to have stomach pain (similar to PMS cramps) from all the nagging. He is fed up with "you know who"
--the "2" indicates he can hardly keep abreast of all the changes "you know who" made him undergo. The "2" is more than gut-wrenching
--when the sharp, pointy "l" is placed on top of the 2 & 3, the guy totally loses his head and is no longer able to cope--he "accidentally" nods off to a permanent sleep via a self-inflicted blow to the Vegas nerve (what happens there stays there)
--the man is pointing his "l" toward heaven and smiling because he knows he is only l step from being put out of his misery

( 7) The Man Who Thinks He Knows You?
--it is well documented that Freud didn't smoke marijuana--he snorted cocaine and could not control his own Id (but he has been known to occasionally mix a pretty mean crack-pot pipe)
--a largely unknown fact about Freud is that he suffered from "pussy envy", which is subconsciously revealed by his hairstyle and constant searching for more crack
--he is wearing sunglasses so that his elderly mother won't realize that he is ogling her and really has the hots for her, a condition known as "Oldipussy"

( 6) Men Who Are Prettier Than You?
--GOTCHA!! That's the new wave Hillary Skank socking it to you. (Don't worry, you'll get over it....Boys Don't Cry.)

( 5) Men Who Think They Are Better Than You?
--somehow, this never got leaked to the National Inqueerer despite the picture having been e-lewded on the internet. The following was not shown in the PG-rated movie since it is an X-rated extended version:
--Drew Verrywhore was playing with E.T. one day and discovered that his neck wasn't the only thing that expanded--his thing expanded whorizontally when she pulled it out. Innocent play led to a brief foreign affair with E.T. and this allegedly is their offspring, Al E. It--half Caucasian and half Alian, known as Caucalien
--When Director Stephen was spotted in the city and asked if this is true, he said he wasn't going to be a Squeelburg, but the story is absurd since he knows for a fact that Verrywhore had been romantically involved with Shia LeBeout at the time (perhaps his eyes and facial features?)
--You can decide with story is more plausible, but Al E. It does have on a straightjacket because he hears voices ("phone home, phone home") and is obsessed with digging holes (symbolized by the big round buttons he must have on his straightjacket and all other shirts)

( 4) Men Who Are Too Paranoid?
--that's the remodeled spherical safety seat that uses octopus legs as suction cups strategically attached to the car's interior for more effective balance and protection during rollovers
-shown is the result of its first crash test. Since a child or other dummy couldn't be used, they borrowed the Jolly Green Giant's great-grandson, Pea-ter, since they knew that he would stay in the pod and--in the worse-case scenario--would only become a split Pea-ter (note the band-aid on his cheek)

( 3) Men Who Refuse To Grow Up?
--oddly (and sadly), that is famous country singer Tammy Wynette
--since she is now old enough to be a grandmother, she tried to dress up in drag and sing while riding a motorcycle in hopes of winning a cross-country singer Grammy award

( 2) Men Who Think Only With Their Sides
--these are the first same-sex couple action figure dolls (obviously, clothes are not included, nor are batteries because the action figures are on acid)
--since regular combat boots are made for walking, the men are wearing customized cumbut boots which are especially designed for bending (as are the large top leg joints) so that you can see them in "real" action
--if you look at the picture, it is easy to tell which one is entering from the rear

( l) Men Who Are Cruel?
--if you open your mind, open your mind, you will make a Total Recall: it's amusetant, Kuato's newborn daughter named Marshanne
--it is kind of hard to stomach, but now Kuato and his wife have two kids to feed--and, no, they didn't planet

Jul 27, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

too broad and un-intelligent

Yanno, there isn't a man alive that doesn't fit into at LEAST 3 of these catagories, if not more. Men will be men, don't encourage woman to change them.

Jul 28, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

nice

I read both your pages,
Liked both of them.
Keep up the good work.

Jul 28, 2006
by Anonymous Hank E. Panky (not verified)

These are all "Hey, Honey".....

(10) ..I need your plug to stop this leak
( 9) ..look at my naughty knot!
( 8) ..may I please get ONE word in?
( 7) ..when was the last time we had sex?
( 6) ..take me!
( 5) ..I'm dying for your affection
( 4) ..let me see your octopussy!
( 3) ..my bike is named "Woody" after my _______.
( 2) ..will you help us make a sandwich?
( 1) ..I'm feeling a little devilish...should I whip out my tail?

Jul 28, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

You Guys Are Awesome

Anytime you want to sub in for me, you are welcome to.

I ahd alot of time with coming up with some nice commentary but this is a PG site.

Hahaha..

Jul 28, 2006
by Alexia (not verified)

Sad but true. Loved it. You

Sad but true. Loved it. You should make a wallet-sized print out to keep ;)

...It's strange isn't it? You can poke fun at men and they'll laugh, however, poke fun at the women species and they get all Nazi on your arse. I have to agree 100% on the women list thing, though. I've worked for some hellish, control-freak people who have all been - surprise suprise - women.
..Before y'all start sending me hate mail beginning with 'Ohmygosh liek you bigotted chuavanist male pig' I'll have you know I am in fact, a chick.

Jul 28, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Hey, this 2 page thing is weird...

I didn't realize all the fan and hate mail I was getting on the second page. Some great comments there so I will see you on that page.

Amused and Bemused
AmericanInventorSpot.com

Jul 28, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

It's All So Interesting

Hey All:

Thanks for all the comments. LOVE THEM and LOVE YOU FOR WRITING THEM ...BOTH GOOD AND BAD.

My favorite comment so far is from you Joey. Hysterical.

Yeah, isn't it interesting that I write an article (which frankly I think is really right on) and I practically get death threats (not so much on our site but on other forums linking to my article), but I write about men and not a peep of complaint.

Either the women just complain alot (hahahahahaha) or men are such jerks, everyone is surprised I am being so nice.

Well, I need some ideas for future articles so if you want me to write on something, let me know.

My next one is going to be so darn good.

10 Best Ways Tell Someone To Piss Off,...or something in that vein. (I am cracking myself up just thinking about it.)

Tell me what I should write about next?

Amused and Bemused
AmericanInventorSpot.com

Jul 28, 2006
by Amused and Bemused

Tell Me What You Want Me To Write About

I just wrote in the comments on page 2 that I am really excited about my next article which will be something like

10 Best Ways to Tell Someone to Piss Off or something like that? It's gonna be great, I hope.

Anyway, can you join us on the second page and give me ideas for what to write about next?

I hear we got a new Featured Blogger just joining us (Christian) and he's hot on my tail, so I have to come up with some better stuff.

Thanks for all the links and comments,

Amused and Bemused
AmericanInventorSpot.com

Jul 28, 2006
by Michelle
Michelle's picture

How About ..

10 Ways to Shut Someone Up
10 Ultimate Insult Gifts
10 Things to Never Give a Teenager?

Michelle

Jul 28, 2006
by Anonymous Donna Juan (not verified)

Let's Get Serious!

(10) Guys like this do piss on everything and anything--including their girls, and they'll do it in public. They typically have aneuresis and may sleepwalk. Although they won't help with most housework, they often are willing to wash their own sheets.

( 9) That's the kind of guy who is wrapped too tight and, like a constant toothache, is a real pain to be around or tolerate. He is always picking fights and everyone he is around would like to give him a root canal or a teething ring so that he'll get rid of the damn boxing gloves.

( 8) That's the meek and dense type, who waits to be called on but never voluntarily joins into a conversation. He looks rather normal, but is very immature. (What other adult man can only count to three but is still very proud of it?)

( 7) That's the charming but evil sociopath. He knows how to dress and engage in impression management, but he is cold, callous, and unable to show true feelings, especially love. He looks smart and sophisticated, but he'll secretly wipe out your savings account and disappear before you realize that all of your money and possessions are gone.

( 6) The male model may get women's attention, but he is very gay. The "man" in this picture is also a male prostitute who is quite diseased. He may bring you flowers, but that is because his real boyfriend is out of town and/or otherwise unavailable.

( 5) This is the super shy, 40-year-old virgin who turns white when he is in public and/or sees an attractive (or even ugly) girl. (All the blood goes to one part of his body, making him look anemic, but he is really ready to explode.) He has been his own best friend since puberty, but might be able to find the girl of his wet dreams.

( 4) That's the groper who just can't keep his hands off of several women at the same time. He thinks he is cute and irresistible to women, but all women wish he'd jump off of a bridge and into a lake or go at least 6 feet below their "see level".

( 3) That's the all talk and no action "easy rider". He's the kind who is always bragging about all his cars ("my Porche is in the garage"), money ("it is tied up at the bank"--meaning he hasn't robbed it yet), motorcycle (which is actually a model toy or so old it doesn't even start), and sexual conquests (so far, only neighborhood kids). He is showoffish but has no worthwhile possessions. In short, an arrogant loser.

( 2) This is the covert gay or bisexual guy who has a partner in the closet but is always on the prowl. He might not look or act like a dick, but that is exactly what he is.

( 1) This is the pathetic guy who was physically abused as a child and is now in an abusive relationship--but he is still the victim. He won't fight back or complain to anyone since he was mistreated all his life and thinks he deserves it.

Jul 28, 2006
by Dave (not verified)

Daaang...you should...

...add two more to each and make calendars! Great stuff!

Rock on, dude.

Jul 28, 2006
by Jambo (not verified)

Nice work.

Although I loved this article, since reading it a dark cloud has loomed over my head. When reading the last comment about "Guy #1" I burst into a tearful laughter when you said "I mean in the big kick in the nuts kind of pain." Lord, am I a bad man?

Jul 30, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

My Take on Top 10 Men To Avoid

Top 10 Men You Need to Avoid

1. Guy with kids in seven states and court-ordered alimony deductions from all his paychecks. Just when you think you've heard about all his children you discover there's yet another in another state. You also discover his entire family hates him because he convinced them to loan him thousands so he could write "his novel," but instead just disappeared for a while and then later pretended nothing had happened when his family asked what became of the funds. Has a handful of semi-creative friends who allow him to hang around the periphery so he can feel like less of a loser.

2. Chronic-masturbating porn-addict guy with huge cardboard box duct-taped shut in the back of his closet that, one day you open out of curiosity and discover is full of videos from "Girls Gone Wild" or that have the term "Back Door" in the titles. Then you find some of his home-made videos with his skanky ex-girlfriend (who is now in rehab) and realize that there's fresh hand lotion smudged on their cases.

3. Guy who is always wants to go to musicals or help you shop for decorations; pretends not to be interested in "Project Runway" and then starts reacting more to it than you do. When talking excitedly you realize he has a pretty severe lisp. Wants very badly to get married and is particularly interested in your dress and the varying shades that are available for chiffon.

4. Guy who gets a really weird face during sex, sort of cross-eyed and serious, and very very quiet. Later that night you hear him muttering the name of an ex-girlfriend who dumped him while sobbing like a wounded animal.

5. Stoner guy who calls himself an "artist" and never produces any art other than some a ceramic big-eyed face thing, and the same damn obsessively detailed psychedelic designs over and over. Accidentally burns your childhood stuffed animal by using it as an incense holder. Then tells you he'll take you out to dinner to make up for it, and you end up at an Olive Garden and he asks you to split the bill.

6. Guy who pretends to listen and then always turns out not to know key details of what you told him (including names of your best friends, the fact that your father raped you and killed your mother, etc.) Then says, "Oh yeah! I knew that! Sorry, long day at work!" to cover for himself.

7. No-personal-hygiene guy with bad breath, same socks for two weeks, nicotene stains in his underwear that litter the floor, hairs coming out of nose, weird collection of stains on his bedsheets, months worth of dishes buildup in the kitchen, orange/brown buildup on floor in front of his toilet... Then he expects you to sleep over.

8. Super-aggressive guy who gets into racing, road-ragey situations while you're in the car with him, flips people off, plays loud music, accelerates and makes sharp turns, smokes cigarettes with the windows rolled up, then acts like you're being a wimp when you start to become nauseated. Plays loud music at home too, lots of Nine Inch Nails and washed-up punk bands that for some reason he still thinks are expressing something important on behalf of his psyche.

9. Super-collector guy who very carefully collects Star Wars figurines, die-cast metal cars, vinyl records, comic books, fanboy DVDs and other useless junk that you're not allowed to touch let alone enjoy (not that you would). Has his own e-Bay business and squirrels away the profits to upgrade his computer with the latest dual-core processor so he can play Oblivion all night. Promises you he'll take you out somewhere the next day but he sleeps in till 2 p.m. in the afternoon because he watched the sun come up while playing multiplayer Call of Duty and eating frozen burritos that make him fart like something died inside of him, all the while listening to his collection of rare Japanese animation soundtracks that inevitable feature a coy girlish voice saying, "Moy moy."

10. Immature premature ejaculator guy with male-pattern baldness and a closet full of old clothes from the days when Target was just getting started.

Aug 1, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Ten Worst Wedding Gifts?

Since the crazy dudes will eventually meet the loony chicks and "tie the knot", how about a list of the "Ten Worst Wedding Gifts" that you could give them?

Aug 1, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Very Good Indeed

Well I dont know why women got pissy about the first post of "10 types of women to avoid"... I read both and thought both were funny, well thought out, and honest. I think it was good advice.

Aug 1, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

First of all I'm a women and

First of all I'm a women and I consider myself to be a feminist but I found nothing wrong about your first article, those types of women should be avoided I know I wouldn't want to be friends with any of them.

Aug 1, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

The truth hurts but his needs to be mandatory reading for all

I luv it!! If our parents and schools would teach this to our children then maybe the world would be a better place. Then again the truth hurts so only the humans that really want to break the cycles of dysfuction will use your articles as a tool to a better life.

Aug 2, 2006
by Shane (not verified)

Wow......

Well after this article,there is not going to be too many of us men left...
Very funny stuff...

Aug 8, 2006
by A 32-yr old MAN, not "guy" (not verified)

This is very depressing,

This is very depressing, negative...stuff. As if I were not self-conscious or defensive already. But I am glad I read it, though I don't really fall into any of those listed. I am surprised to not see THE CHEAPSKATE listed, which is what I definitely am. Oh well now I feel like I could go out & mingle a little...and maybe even score a piece of cherry pie! :9

Aug 8, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Cherry Pie is expensive

That isn't something a "cheapskate" is likely to get for free (or by "scoring"). You'll be lucky to get one date--you know, the hard, dried, lousy fruit that no one else wants.

Aug 10, 2006
by David Cunningham (not verified)

Somebody's confessing their own "wussitude"

To whomever is under the impression that all men fall under at least three of these categories, you've been spending too much time on college campuses and in bars. REAL men don't fall into any of these categories, and I have several thousand readers to back me up on that, as will their wives...

Men everywhere are awakening to the fact that good women like real men who can make decisions, make them laugh, and not wuss out every time she gets a little testy. It's the display of confidence, leadership, adventurous attitude, and sense of humor that women are looking for, but men aren't changing for women, they're changing for themselves, because being a real man is fun and rewarding, very unlike being any one of these ten archtypical losers that our host has so accurately described. I can't wait to see what he wrote about women!

Well done, Maestro...well done indeed!

Aug 26, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

From #10: "...submit their

From #10: "...submit their whipped butts to taking you out or holding your purse as you shop, just to stop your fussing." This sounds damn piggy to me.

Aug 30, 2006
by jnetsworld (not verified)

Real Men DO Exist

I enjoyed your "10 Men to Avoid Dating"... Such examples of the male species don't warrant the title of "men"... rather they are still "under construction" hopefully on their way to evolving, but otherwise stuck.

Confidence, leadership, an adventurous attitude and sense of humor is irresistibly sexy and manly.

Thanks for the witty write. I enjoyed it immenselly :)