10 Ways to REALLY Piss Off Your Woman

Posted August 3rd, 2006 by Amused and Bemused

Do you need relationship counseling?

Are the sparks of your relationship slowly becoming dying embers?

My relationship advice to you is try pissing off your mate. Yup, I mean it!

I was in a bitter and nasty mood this week.Everyone I knew was getting on my nerves and I just wanted to hurt them. But my "better half" was in a cheery and chirpy mood. Too darn happy, in my opinion.

I realized this week that, as a couple, my wife and I were getting along a bit TOO well these days. We've been together long enough to work out many of the kinks, so there is little that creates drama and tension in our lives. We get alongwell. So, we are not one of those couples constantly shopping for relationship counseling.

But there are times when I want a little fun. I want the sparks to fly.

Watching my wife when she's hopping mad is fun, in an oddly satisfying sort of way. So there are times when I intentionally make her crazy. Frankly, Ithink she's really hot when she's pissed. The prospect of intimacy is a lot more exciting when you know that there's just no way you are going to get anywhere near her, and you have to find a way to win your way back into her arms. If you ever feel that your relationship is missing some spark, and you want to have a little fun, I have a few ideas for you to try before you go off looking for a relationship counselor. Just make sure you don't do anything you can't get her to forgive you for.

Here are 10 Great Ways to Really Piss Off Your Woman (or 10 Great Ways to Avoid a Relationship Counselor):

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 10: Make Her Scream Her Head Off

Horse Head Pillow

You need to plan this out carefully. Make sure to choose a night when she is really exhausted and feeling brittle. Be super nice and supportive, so she calmly drifts off to sleep.

Then, go quietly to the next room and get the Horse Head Pillow (that you some how have figured out how to chill so that it feels cold and damp). Lay it down next to her right where you normally sleep. Scamper around to get the fake blood you bought (make absolutely sure it's the washable kind or you are surely dead meat!!) all over the sheets and the floor around the bed. Stand over the bed trying not to giggle too loudly as you watch her sleeping and wait for her to try to cuddle you. Observe carefully as she drifts awake and tries to figure out what is in bed with her. Savor the feeling of anticipation as she opens her eyes.

Voila, you got yourself an instant heart attack! If you don't have your woman screaming hysterically and jumping 10 feet off the bed, your woman is not a normal woman and needs to be institutionalized. (See Relationship Advice Idea Here)

Idea 9: Make Her Stop Talking to Her Friends

Disconnect Phone Tool

If you have a very social woman in your life (and by social, I mean constantly yapping on the phone about someone's breasts looking too big (as if that's even possible) or whether this season's toe nail polish colors are "flattering"), you may be one of those guys who can put an incoming phone call blocking device to really good use.

To ensure that your attempts at sparking up your relationship have the necessary impact, you need think ahead. You will need to set up your honeya few weeks before you actually install the device to adequately play on your honey's insecurities. A few weeks before D-Day, you should casually mention that you think so and so has seemed a bit cold lately and ask if your womanhas noticed so and so being a bit distant. Ask her if she has done anything to upset so and so? Then, a few days later, mention that you overheard one of your honey's other friends talking to her husband and saying that she was really annoyed with your woman. Make sure you pick a trait that you actuallyfind annoying about her so that it is aplausible point of annoyance for other people. Then, for about two weeks, any time a few hours goes by without the phone ringing, mention that it sure is quiet around the house when the phone is not constantly ringing. Finally,on D-Day, turn off the incoming calls. (Oh, you need to make sure to turn off her cell phone or accidentally lose it so she can't find it for the days that the house phone is shut off. A quiet weekend will probably work best).

Sit there with an innocent looking face and enjoy the snickers you try to keep to yourself as she starts wondering why no one is calling her. When she sounds particularly worried, remind her that you had heard from so and so that your honey does have a tendency to be...whatever and that she really should change that if she wants to have friends. Watch with unbridled amusement as she gets wackier and wackier as no one calls her for days.

See how long it can go on before she finally figures out what you have done. (See Relationship Advice Idea Here)

Idea 8: Call Her Mean Names in Front of Her Friends

B*tch Perfume

For this idea, to work, you should choose a special event that is important to her, like a birthday or an anniversary. Go out of your way to be nice and charming, and make a big show of getting her friends together to celebrate her special day. Make sure to invite the friends who are not really friends but friends that she's always competing with and wanting to impress. After dinner, make a big show of making a great toast and announcing what a unique person your wife is.Bring out a lavishly gift-wrapped box. Tell everyone that you couldn’t help thinking of your wife immediately when you saw this present and that you are sure that everyone else would agree that this is perfect for her.Let her open up the beautiful box of B*tch Perfume. And laugh when everyone sees what you got her and act like you think you are the funniest guy on the planet, cuz you are! (See Relationship Advice Idea Here)

Idea 7: Make Her House Smell Like Crap

DooDoo Drops

Find an excuse to have a bunch of people over your house. Convince your mate to be the "hostess with the most-est." It may be a great idea to get a friendly boss in on the joke so you can really work the joke for all its worth. If the boss is willing to play along, get your honey to believe that you are up for a big promotion and that a great dinner would be the thing that puts you over the top in getting the promotion.

When the house is sparkling clean and everything is ready, sprinkle Doodoo Drops liberally on something she can't easily move out of the house. Right when the first guests ring the doorbell, ask her if she smells anything weird. As soon as your guests come in, ask jokingly who is bringing in the horrible smell. Then, later, when everyone is fully aware that something in the house really stinks, make a joke loud enough for her to hear that your mate has been having some stomach problems lately and it’s been a challenge to constantly have to clean up after her. (See Relationship Advice Product Here)

Idea 6: Make Her Feel Like Her Butt is HUGE

Big Butt Toilet

For those men out there with women that are paranoid about the size of their butts, this is a fabulous relationship building idea.

If you have the money to actually buy this Big John Extra Big Toilet (with ~200% more seating than a standard round toilet seat and an extra wide reinforced base), the look of horror and dismay on your woman's face when you give her this gift telling her that you really thought she'd be more comfortable now, will be worth every penny, and frankly, it'd be priceless.

If you can't swing the money, and you need the cheap man's version of the Big Butt John, then a couple of brochures laying around the house the next time anyone comes to visit is sure to be a big hit. It will surely delight your lady to try to explain what the Big Butt Toilet brochure is doing in her house. (Relationship Advice Idea Here)

Idea 5: Make Her Think You Are Cheating

Fake Affair

Women are odd. They don't want anything another woman doesn't want. So for many women, there is nothing more attractive or nothing they want more than a man with another woman. (Ladies, you know this is totally true so put your eyeballs back in your head!)

Now, you can put that valuable piece of insight into the female psyche to good use to spice up your marriage. All you need to do to make your mate obsessed about you is to make her think that you are having an affair. You won't have to do much to get her to believe it. Women always think men are on the verge of cheating on them. Just suddenly show more interest in working out than in drinking beer. When she says she's going shopping, eagerly tell her you want to go with her as you think your need to get some nicer threads. Be willing to replace your favorite boxers that say "Drunk and Stupid" from your college days for some new designer briefs. Spend a few nights late "at the office". Make it obvious when you get home that you have drunk your fair share of wine (and smell like our friend's borrowed perfume). Then, as the final topper, slide a brochure from the Alibi Network somewhere where she is absolutely sure to find it while she is snooping around trying to figure out what you are up to. Make sure you put some sort of invisible marker on the brochure so you can tell when she has touched it. You may want to try a small hair or tiny piece of paper (read my stuff and you learn to be a great sneak).

A few days after you are sure she's found the Alibi papers, casually mention that you have to go on a surprise business trip next weekend. Sit back, and watch what it looks like when a woman is fighting for her man! Just imagine the tears of joy she will have when she find out you are still all hers. If she doesn't believe you, well, I don't know how to help you. (See Relationship Advice Idea Here)

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Comments

Sounds like the guy would be pissing around

Submitted on August 3rd, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

Why not just have the affair? You might have a hard time getting off the hook, but you will get off.

This sh*t is gay.

Submitted on August 7th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

This sh*t is gay.

Loved this!

Submitted on August 7th, 2006 by Renee (not verified)

Where's everyone's sense of humor? LMAO!

You are my hero.

Submitted on August 8th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

You are my hero.

Loved the muzzle idea. I

Submitted on August 9th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

Loved the muzzle idea. I work in an office with a bunch of over-fed femi-nazis who like to gossip & gossip...they never shut up.
Well, silence speaks louder than words. Instead of saying something to them (which to me seems like trying to put out fire with gasoline) I simply held my hands over my ears a few times, just for them to notice.
It almost got me in big trouble as the boss heard about it & nearly sent me to another office. But I'm still here and there is finally peace & quiet.

What the hell are you

Submitted on August 13th, 2006 by Tonhonis (not verified)

What the hell are you thinking about?! Is it supposed to be fun? You´re americans have a twisted mind... no wonder EVERYONE else just hate US... you´re all a bunch of selfish who thinks the "american way" just rocks the world... shame on you... I´m sorry to live in the same planet that you do...

It is not just "supposed to be fun", it IS fun!

Submitted on August 22nd, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

And we think whatever we want! Yes, some Americans are twisted, but at least we have excitement and variety. Not all Americans are selfish, either. It is our culture's emphasis on individualism that makes it look that way....

"Sorry to live in the same planet"??? Tonhonis, I'm guessing Uranus stinks and is the sorry one. You are just jealous.

and Me

and Me, Me, Me, etc.--Made in the U.S.A.

Dead Bodies?

Submitted on September 6th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

This sh*t is sick!

Tohonis - America is the best country in the world

Submitted on September 6th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

If you live in America and don't like it, leave. If you don't live here, you know you wish you did.

Americans have the best sense of humor.

The American people are also the most generous people. We give more on average than any other person in another country.

And we do rock!!!

Yup you do, and credit where

Submitted on October 18th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

Yup you do, and credit where credit is due.
Stop funding stupid wars and armies... channel your excess $USD into food and welfare for the world... then everyone can eat and be as fat, loud and obnoxious as you americans ;)

I've been to your fabulous country, and seen the bulk of what you have to offer. I'd rather stay in mine thanks. Nuke free and nice and green.

BTW, your sense of humour is pretty sharp. Lets see if you work out whether this reply is taking the piss out of you... or not.

Ummm. What does America even

Submitted on October 30th, 2006 by STABBURRR (not verified)

Ummm. What does America even have to do with this site? People piss their girlfriends off all over the world. Come on people, try to act halfway decent to each other.

the article

Submitted on November 15th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

if a guy was calling me degrading names infront of my friendsi would just dump him. i wouldnt put up with this shit

o.O RIIIIGGGHHHT

Submitted on November 16th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

wow.. you know some of this stuff really would not piss me off at all. Like waking up with a muzzle on my face. You know I would be like "what the?" but I would probably find it more funny then ever getting mad. Or not getting Jewelry? Meh I really could care less for that.. I mean don't get me wrong I like meh sparkly stuff.. but I really would not expect it. Oooh ooh and my butt is big thankyou! I'm proud of it so the making a womans butt feel big will not work either.

Really there are like two more on the list that really won't upset me either. Maybe it would piss off the "stereo typical woman"? but not me

But Dude.. the dead body thing.. issuse man.. who every does that has lots of issuse and need to see some nice men in white coats and live in a padded room.

Ya.. and this artical is really sad humour attempt....

Nationalistic bastard; it's

Submitted on March 11th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

Nationalistic bastard; it's nice to know you can understand the country's sense of Manifest Destiny. I'm American born, but at least I can understand that America is the least democratic democracy in the world, and one of the biggest comitter of crimes against humanity. Their idealistic bull**** has caused turmoil in so many countries (notably the Socialist South American countries) and their neo-colonialistic tendencies are ripping countries apart.

Most generous country in the world... alright buddy, whatever helps you get to sleep at night.

To clarify my above

Submitted on March 11th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

To clarify my above statement, Americans are not necessarily bad people (as I said, I myself am an American). What I WAS saying is that the American government is one of the worst governments in the world (and that's coming from a man who already really dislikes governments) and to brag that America is God's gift to the world is like a two year old bragging about a college degree; it simply isn't accurate,

isnt that kinda harsh???

Submitted on March 20th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

isnt that kinda harsh??? CALLING HER NAMES IN FRONT OF HER FREINDS??? thats kinda ALL you have to do to make her REALLY mad.........trust me im a girl...........i know this cause its happened to me.................

Murder

Submitted on May 11th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

I killed my wife last week due to this.

AMERICANS SUCK.

FAG!

Submitted on May 16th, 2007 by KEVIN NORRIS!!!!!!!!!! (not verified)

YOUR A FLAMING FAGGOT GO TO HELL AFTER YOU GET THE FUCK UP OUT OUR COUNTRY YOU FUCKING COMMIE BASTARD! THANKS AND HAVE A FUCKING NICE DAY!

hahaha loved the last

Submitted on May 22nd, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

hahaha loved the last comment.. its truly amazing how many (not all) americans think the rest of the world is sooo envious of them... :) Well I got some info for ya. The majority of ppl in the world really do like where they live and wouldnt rather swap it for the US.. obviously not including the very poor. But having said that, I'm sure, for example, that someone who's v poor and living in some rundown, poverty-stricken dangerous area of an american city would much rather swap it all to be really rich and living in relative luxury in the average developing country.. Just a few things to think about the next time you decide that everyone wants to be you :)

N/A

Submitted on May 23rd, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

Don't you think that an educated discussion might help this a bit? Not one person said a single direct fact. Only opinion. That includes me I realize, but I find the irony somewhat humorous.

Become educated before you flap your mouth.

N/A P.S.

Submitted on May 23rd, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

Actually, the previous poster is right. The U.S. is the third most hated country in the world. If you don't believe me look at newsweek from the first week of May. Our neighbors to the North, Canada came out on top I believe. Oh, and just to respond to all the hate against Americans, hate us if you want. You are only perpetuating a prejudiced hate that we should be rid of. Why not meet a few Americans first. I'm sure you'd like some and hate others. This is true of any Country though. Assholes in Britain or Germany or South Africa are no different from assholes in America. Therefore you shouldn't group America as a whole. We have great parts to our country which you may never see, but we also have bad parts. Q.E.D.

If you wish to discuss America's tendency to fuel wars, just let me know. I'd be happy to discuss both sides of an arguement.

If you hate the US so bad,

Submitted on May 24th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

If you hate the US so bad, then dont go to an American website and keep your tounge in your mouth since you hate what America stands for. Go live under that rock you call a contry.

Ideas to Piss your woman Off

Submitted on June 1st, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

The subject is about the author's opinions to "rekindle" your relationship through humour not about Worldwide politics.

USA Is number one........everything else is just a toy! LOL

Submitted on June 17th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

We are better than you in every way imaginable!! As Americans, all that we do, and say is right! And we do whatever want to whom ever we want at all times! Our country is much better than wherever it is your from. Our culture is far supperior to that of your own, and 't stand to live on the same planet as you!

hp name

Submitted on July 20th, 2007 by hp name (not verified)

Hello, a really interesting experience to visit your website. google maps 86787114

Your "humorous" tactics are

Submitted on August 28th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

Your "humorous" tactics are uncomfortably close to the kinds of crap that real abusers pull. In fact, there is one type of emotional abuse in which the abuser does something cruel and then claims that it was "just a joke" and berates the victim for "not having a sense of humor."

The fact that you think these suggestions are "funny" makes me think you're a creep.

I pity any woman who is involved with you, and if you have a current girlfriend or wife, I hope she wises up to your unworthiness and finds someone who treats her like a human being instead of like an object to perform psychological experiments on.

feminists suck

Submitted on November 1st, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

ha. the person below me is an ignorant feminist bitch. way to take a joke, dyke.

I definitely agree with you

Submitted on November 6th, 2007 by Anonymous (not verified)

I definitely agree with you there

It is pretty ovbious that

Submitted on February 7th, 2008 by Anonymous (not verified)

It is pretty ovbious that the author of this article has had bad experiences with women, and it looks like it is single and lonely. Poor guy, he needs to get laid soon!!!!!! since you don't know how to get a woman to love you, have you tried men yet???? Give it a try buddy!

quick bet here

Submitted on April 14th, 2008 by Anonymous

how much do you wanna bet that the author is divorced at least once?

Ummm

Submitted on April 16th, 2008 by Anonymous

This article is really stupid and not funny at all.

LOL

Submitted on April 17th, 2008 by Anonymous

AHAHAAAAA,
get a grip all of you. your supposed to be adults,.

why dont all of you get a freakin' life eh?
jeezz.

LOL

Submitted on April 17th, 2008 by Anonymous

not that im saying im sticking up for the guy who wrote this piece of crap.
its just aimed at the american patriots. ahahaaa.. ~~suckers~~
:D

You are sick. Seek

Submitted on April 17th, 2008 by Anonymous

You are sick. Seek professional help

Well then...

Submitted on April 19th, 2008 by Anonymous

Is it just me, or is the dead body entirely creepy? I don't see any other comments about it.... and it wasn't something to just pass up. Was that thrown in there as a joke, or is there seriously a place you can purchase dead bodies and have them delivered to your house? I think that's going out of line, man. If my boyfriend was creepy enough to purchase a dead body, hide it in the storage freezer until the perfect moment arises, carry it to our bedroom, and fiddle around with it to make it look like it was trying to run away to get me freaked out, I would leave his ass. Also, for gods sake people, shut up about the American comments. This has nothing to do with that shit, so quit being whiny ass pansies. Minus the dead body one, this was amusing. And that's coming from a female. So all you other pussy bitches who can't take a joke, shut up and have a beer, fucking RELAX.

I'd dump the guy, if he

Submitted on April 20th, 2008 by Anonymous

I'd dump the guy, if he wants to piss me off he gets his ass dumped. I tried to be open minded about this but. Try one or two things there like the fake dead horse head he doesn't get a scream he gets a fist for being a twat.

And no i wouldnt want to piss of my guy in revenge.

To the girl above. Fuck off. Stop trying to suck up to the lads.

By the way i hate these men

Submitted on April 20th, 2008 by Anonymous

By the way i hate these men versus women bullshit and get annoyed at those who take part in it but i also hate it when people who try to suck up to the other sex. Both sets of people are fuckwits.