How To Say "I HATE You" - The 10 Worst Mother’s Day Gifts Ever
"Mother." For some people the word dregs up images of the saintly woman who birthed them from a seemingly immaculate conception. For others the mind recoils in horror as it envisions a creature that surely spawned form the deepest regions of the underworld solely to destroy their lives. Whatever your individual feelings of the woman who provided you a womb to rest your weary head, you probably know that Mother's Day is coming up and you're expected to give a gift of some type. But exactly what?
If you're searching for the perfect gift to infuriate or confound your birth-giver, you've come to the right place. From terrible gifts for great moms to great gifts for terrible moms, we've got you covered.
Bad Gifts For Good Moms:
Bad Gift Idea for Good Mom #1
Botox Gift Certificates
What better way to tell your mom that she's seen better days than giving her a Botox gift certificate? This considerate gift is sure to help remind her that her crow's feet aren't a sign of graceful aging and wisdom, but of aging and senility.
Image via Vancouver Laser & Skincare Center [Flickr]
Bad Gift Idea for Good Mom #2 -
But perhaps your mother's insecurity isn't in her wrinkles, but in her hairy back. While laser hair removal could remove the problem completely, not all of us can (or want to) spend that kind of money on our moms. Instead, buy her this convenient back shaver to help cut off the pesky problem at the source.
Bad Gift Idea for Good Mom #3 -
Similarly, if you don't want to help your mom lose weight by getting her a gym membership or help her simply remove it with liposuction, you can instead just help her keep her clothes fitting with this handy waistband stretcher. Sure she'll probably just binge eat even more when your lack of compassion puts her in an even darker place of self-loathing, but hey, she can just twist the knob an extra turn and voila! -that ten pounds of depression-related fat will just squeeze right into her favorite jeans.
Bad Gift Idea for Good Mom #4 -
Modernized Antique China
Has mother seemed to forget about her dusty collection of never-used china? Just imagine how happy she will be to see that you have revitalized these boring antiquities with modernized words or pictures of contemporary characters by Etsy users trixiedelicious and BeatUpCreations, respectively.
Bad Gift Idea for Good Mom #5 -
No time to actually meet up with old mum' for her big day? Then why not send her the second best thing to your actual hug with a hug-e-gram that's kind of like a desperate person's empty fanny pack. You can even put in your own personalized message to let mom know that even though the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on Mother's Day, you still care. If you're worried your single mother will feel all alone, you can even double up the hugs by sending her this wonderfully pathetic Boyfriend Pillow to cuddle up with.
Bad Gift Idea for Good Mom #6 -
Twilight Edward Cullen Pillow
When boyfriend pillows and hug-o-grams simply aren't enough though, maybe your Twi-tard mom needs to cuddle up to something a little creepier, like this Edward Cullen Twilight body pillow.The creator cleverly calls her products "manllows" --as in "you desperately need a man because your manllow is too sticky."
Good Gifts For Bad Moms:
Good Gift Idea for Bad Moms #1-
Is your mom constantly on the rag? Then celebrate her inner-bitch with this beautiful "PMS, be afraid... be very afraid," bracelet charm. What a stylish and lovely way to announce her bad attitude to the world.
Good Gift Idea for Bad Moms #2-
Bacon Baby Formula
For those mothers who haven't yet had a chance to be terrible, this bacon-flavored baby formula is a great stepping stone to helping her raise an alienated fat adult. Not only will this formula help her avoid that pesky mother-child connection that is built through actual breast feeding, it will also raise the baby to have an unnatural obsession with America's favorite meat product, giving the child a head start in obesity and related self-esteem problems. Way to go mom!
Good Gift Idea for Bad Moms #3-
If your mom is too lazy to even be bothered with changing out of pajama pants, now you can provide her with all the comfort of pjs combined with the unembarassing look of good old denim jeans. Now at least you can have the semblance of presentability while she can continue to be exceedingly slothish. Hey, at least you can finally agree on something!
Want to tell your mother how you really feel, but don't like to curse? Then give her this lovely worst mom ceramic mug so she can remember just how accomplished she is every morning -after all, it takes time and dedication to be the world leader of anything, even bad parenting.
So what are you getting your mom this Mother's Day? I certainly hope it's not actually on this list.
Originally published April 2010 and updated April 2015.