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Jewelry That Helps Say "I HATE You"

Are you trying to figure out what would be the perfect gift for your girlfriend or wife?

You may be having some difficulty because although it's pretty obvious that they want expensive jewelry, your wallet is in denial.

The holidays are a great time to reflect on whether you REALLY want to be in a relationship with the woman currently in your life. There is nothing like the cold hard reality of having to plunk down lots on cold hard cash to buy jewelry for a woman you are not excited about to make you think seriously about dumping her. (See my article on 5 Good Reasons to Dump Her.)

If you want to dump her, it's usually a smart move to do it before you spend lots of money on her...unless of course, she gives great gifts. If she's a great gift giver, I have a better idea.

I think you should get your greedy little hands on all the goodies she's got for you, and then get her to dump you for giving her jewelry as a present.

So how can you do this, you ask? It's real simple. You just need to give her jewelry that tells her in no uncertain terms that you don't love her. Isn't that brilliant?

What's really great is that you can honestly tell everyone the heartless b$$tch broke up with you right after you gave her some awesome jewelry. This is sure to make you look like a great guy to the new woman in your life.

To help you out, here are my 10 Perfect Jewelry Gifts Ideas for Your Imperfect Woman:


10. Great Gift Idea for the Totally Catty Woman

Cat Claws Rings
Cat Claws Rings

Does your woman watch people like they were her prey, and then slash them down with her unkind comments?

If your woman is nice on the outside but cruel on the inside, these Cat Claw Rings are the perfect gift for her.

Tell her that this gift reminded you of her and her cattiness. Now, with her Cat Claw Rings, she can rip people apart with just her words or use her sharp claws.(jewelry here)


9. Great Gift Idea for the Anal-Retentive Woman

Enema Bag Brooch Pin
Enema Bag Brooch Pin

Does you woman drive you crazy with her obsessive cleaning? Does she follow you around the house, putting everything you touch back in its proper place practically before you are done touching it?

If she has a compulsive need to keep things orderly, then this Enema Bag Brooch Pin is the perfect gift for her.

Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her anal - retentiveness. Now, with Enema Bag Brooch Pin, she can just blow all her rules and annoying compulsions right out of her @$$. (jewelry here)


8. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Preaches About Saving the Planet

Grow a Plant Ring
Grow a Plant Ring

Is your woman one of those alfalfa sprouts eating chicks that looks at you aghast when you try to enjoy a steak but conveniently ignores the cow killed for her leather boots? Is she constantly worrying out loud about how we are killing the rain-forest as she drives her gas guzzler to the store instead of walking a block to get to it?

If she's is an "all talk" environmentalist, this Grow a Plant ring will be perfect gift for her.

Tell her this gift made you think of her and how she should really use all the hot air she is spewing to grow something green. Now, with her ring, she can finally do something good for the planet rather than merely talk about it. (jewelry here via here)


7. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Sucks the Life Out of You

Blood Vial Earrings
Blood Vial Earrings


Does your woman ask you for everything and then ask for more? Is your woman slowly draining the life blood out of you? Does she seem to get visibly happier when you are start feeling miserable?

If your woman sucks your energy and joy for life out of you, the Blood Vial Earrings will be the perfect gift for her.

Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her unique ability to deplete you of your happiness. Now, with the Blood Vial Earrings, when she sucks the life blood out of a man, she will have a handy place to store it. (jewelry here)


6. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Can't Get Anybody to Listen to Her

"I Am All Ears" Barbie Parts Brooch
"I Am All Ears" Barbie Parts Brooch

Does your woman have the ability to bore a tree? Is she constantly telling you stories that no one wants to hear, least of all you?

If your woman is always looking to you for a sympathetic ear, and rarely finding it, this I Am All Ears Brooch is the perfect gift for her.

Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her constant need to talk and have others listen. Now, with the I Am All Ears Brooch, she can finally have ears that can't run away and avoid her tiresome stories. (jewelry here)



5. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Is a Total Ball Buster

Hold My Balls Necklace
Hold My Balls Necklace

Does your woman have you by the balls? Are you afraid of doing anything you enjoy because you just dread having to deal with her and her fussing at you?

If your woman has crushed your ability to speak up or to fight for what you want, this Hold My Balls Necklace is the perfect gift for her.

Tell her if you still have any guts left that this gift reminded you of her and her control you and crush your manhood. Now, with the Hold My Balls Necklace, she can just tie a string around your man-parts and wear them on a chain. (jewelry here)



4. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Loves Repeating Herself

Play It Over Micro Cassette Earrings
Play It Over Micro Cassette Earrings

Does your woman lecture you constantly, saying the same thing over and over? Can you practically recite what she is going to say on almost every occasion?

If she is like a broken tape machine, the micro cassette earrings are the perfect gift for her.

Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her love of hearing herself talk. Now, she can just record what she wants to say just once onto her micro cassette earrings and then play it whenever she wants. Wearing the tape, she will always have her favorite speeches with her.(jewelry here)



3. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Lives in Fantasy Land

Joystick Necklace
Joystick Necklace

Does your woman choose to avoid the realities of her real life by constantly playing video games? Does she turn on a game every time she's unhappy and spend too much time living the life she wishes she had in her virtual fantasy world?

If your woman puts little effort into her real life to make it worth living and spends her time in fantasy land, the joystick necklace is perfect gift for her.

Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her unhealthy fixation with fantasy. Now, with the silver joystick necklace, she can always play her video games and use it to pretend that she has a man that actually cares about her.(jewelry here)



2. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Thinks She's Better than Others

Digital Bible USB Pendant
Digital Bible USB Pendant

Is your woman one of those holier-than-thou types who thinks she's morally better than other people? Is she frequently referencing the good book to make others feel no good?

If your woman uses her superficial knowledge of the Bible to deem others unworthy and to deflect criticism from herself, the Digital USB Bible Pendant will be the perfect gift for her.

Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her false religiosity. Now with the Digital Bible USB there for her to reference at all times, she can perhaps read what the Bible says and not use mis-quoted Bible passages to pass judgment on everyone but herself.(jewelry here)



1. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Wants You Around ALL the Time

Grown From Your Own Bones Ring
Grown From Your Own Bones Ring


Does your woman fundamentally disagree with the fact that spending time away from each other can be a good thing?

If she is the type of woman who is not happy unless you are right by her side every day and every moment of every day, the Grown From Your Own Bones Ring is the perfect gift for her.

In this lab in the United Kingdom, they can take some of your bone (you can give them a chopped off finger or if you think you may want to keep all your fingers, a wisdom tooth) and they will grow more bone from it and carve it up for you into a ring. (jewelry here)

Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her insatiable desire to have you with her always. Now, with a ring made from your bones, she can literally hold you at all times in the palm of her hands. Perhaps she can finally give you some space to breathe.

* * *

Well, I hope you like my ideas for the perfect jewelry to insult (and hopefully piss off) the woman you want out of your life. Just give her one of these unique pieces of jewelry and I am confident that you will be thanking me soon. I promise that she will always remember you and your ability to get her a gift that was absolutely perfect for her.


Amused and Bemused
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Comments
Dec 6, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Hah, I'd d love to have the

Hah, I'd d love to have the guts to give my wife the ear brooch. That's too funny, but my widfe already has my balls on her necklace...so I don't have the guts.

Dec 30, 2006
by Anonymous KK (not verified)

Jewelry That Says "I (Don't) Hate You"

Well, it is more like you didn't earn an Emmy or an Oscar, but your performance did merit a new EmmyVP "Jewelry Award"

(10) CAT CLAW RINGS
--WINNER: Halle Berry, "Catwoman"
--HONORABLE MENTION: O.J. Simpson, "If the glove fits, you must inflict deadly slits" (Book deal: "IF it Hertz")

( 9) ENEMA BAG BROOCH PIN
--WINNER: The Papparazzi, who are always trying to dig up some shit
--HONORABLE MENTION: All Hollywood, CA Proctologists

( 8) GROW A PLANT RING
--WINNERS: Two-way tie, Joke Gyllenhaal and John Travolta, for their performances in "Boy in the Bubble" and "Bubble Boy", disrespectively
--HONORABLE MENTION: All Hollywood, CA plastic surgeons who perform botox injections (that is, implant botulism and help flat women "grow" boobs)

( 7) BLOOD VIAL EARRINGS
--WINNER: Mike Tyson, for his f-earless fighting in the ring. Although he'll never get an Oscar, he sure does leave his own Aah Scars
--HONORABLE MENTION: Mike Tyson (no one else comes close)

( 6) "I AM ALL EARS" BARBIE PARTS BROOCH
--WINNER: Dolph Lundgren, "Universal Soldier" ("I'm all ears".)
--HONORABLE MENTION: "Predator" Creature

( 5) HOLD MY BALLS NECKLACE
--WINNER: Michael Madsen, "The Last Days of Frankie the Fly" (for the way he grabbed Dennis Hopper's balls)
--HONORABLE MENTION: Ryder Strong, for his imitation in "The Pact"

( 4) PLAY IT OVER MICRO CASSETTE EARRINGS
--WINNER: Richard Nixon, Watergate Scandal
--HONORABLE MENTION: President Bush (when he didn't know that he was caught on tape)

( 3) JOYSTICK NECKLACE
--WINNER: Lisa Lu, "The Joy Luck Club"
--HONORABLE MENTION: The real long John portrayed in "Wonderland"

( 2) DIGITAL BIBLE USB PENANT
--WINNER: Britney Spears for her pantyless limo exit
--HONORABLE MENTION: Madonna ("A really good Christian woman")

( 1) GROWN FROM YOUR OWN BONES RING
--WINNER: Denzel Washington, "The Bone Collector"
--HONORABLE MENTION: The late Jeffrey Dahmer (when he ran out of noodles, he resorted to making his own boneless "Cream of Someyoungguy" soup)

Nov 26, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

I love you, I hate you, at least you're thinking

about her...

Jun 4, 2008
by Anonymous

5161654661456465161555

5161654661456465161555

Sep 26, 2008
by Anonymous

ummm?

ummm?

Oct 9, 2008
by Anonymous

Wow...

Who ever wrote any part of this article was a real jackass...you don't try and get good gifts if you don't like it leave it...stupid asshole!

Nov 17, 2008
by Anonymous

Wow...

Whoever wrote any part of that last comment really has no sense of humour... It's meant to be satyrical, you know?

Nov 17, 2008
by Anonymous

Bitchy much?

You know, everybody has flaws... why yes, even our loved ones, go figure! So instead of just leaving them, as suggested by the very insightful comment above, why not try to talk about those flaws and hopefully reach a compromise? And what better way to initiate that talk than through a funny, non-hurtful gift?

Feb 12, 2009
by Anonymous

Cat Claw Ring

Where did you find the cat claw rings? The link didn't work....

Feb 19, 2009
by Anonymous

wow that could be really

wow that could be really hurtful.