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10 Ways to REALLY Piss Off Your Woman

Do you need relationship counseling?

Are the sparks of your relationship slowly becoming dying embers?

My relationship advice to you is try pissing off your mate. Yup, I mean it!

I was in a bitter and nasty mood this week.Everyone I knew was getting on my nerves and I just wanted to hurt them. But my "better half" was in a cheery and chirpy mood. Too darn happy, in my opinion.

I realized this week that, as a couple, my wife and I were getting along a bit TOO well these days. We've been together long enough to work out many of the kinks, so there is little that creates drama and tension in our lives. We get along well. So, we are not one of those couples constantly shopping for relationship counseling.

But there are times when I want a little fun. I want the sparks to fly.

Watching my wife when she's hopping mad is fun, in an oddly satisfying sort of way. So there are times when I intentionally make her crazy. Frankly, Ithink she's really hot when she's pissed. The prospect of intimacy is a lot more exciting when you know that there's just no way you are going to get anywhere near her, and you have to find a way to win your way back into her arms. If you ever feel that your relationship is missing some spark, and you want to have a little fun, I have a few ideas for you to try before you go off looking for a relationship counselor. Just make sure you don't do anything you can't get her to forgive you for.

Here are 10 Great Ways to Really Piss Off Your Woman (or 10 Great Ways to Avoid a Relationship Counselor):

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 10: Make Her Scream Her Head Off

Horse Head PillowHorse Head Pillow

You need to plan this out carefully. Make sure to choose a night when she is really exhausted and feeling brittle. Be super nice and supportive, so she calmly drifts off to sleep.

Then, go quietly to the next room and get the Horse Head Pillow (that you some how have figured out how to chill so that it feels cold and damp). Lay it down next to her right where you normally sleep. Scamper around to get the fake blood you bought (make absolutely sure it's the washable kind or you are surely dead meat!!) all over the sheets and the floor around the bed. Stand over the bed trying not to giggle too loudly as you watch her sleeping and wait for her to try to cuddle you. Observe carefully as she drifts awake and tries to figure out what is in bed with her. Savor the feeling of anticipation as she opens her eyes.

Voila, you got yourself an instant heart attack! If you don't have your woman screaming hysterically and jumping 10 feet off the bed, your woman is not a normal woman and needs to be institutionalized. (See Relationship Advice Idea Here)


Idea 9: Make Her Stop Talking to Her Friends

Disconnect Phone ToolDisconnect Phone Tool

If you have a very social woman in your life (and by social, I mean constantly yapping on the phone about someone's breasts looking too big (as if that's even possible) or whether this season's toe nail polish colors are "flattering"), you may be one of those guys who can put an incoming phone call blocking device to really good use.

To ensure that your attempts at sparking up your relationship have the necessary impact, you need think ahead. You will need to set up your honeya few weeks before you actually install the device to adequately play on your honey's insecurities. A few weeks before D-Day, you should casually mention that you think so and so has seemed a bit cold lately and ask if your womanhas noticed so and so being a bit distant. Ask her if she has done anything to upset so and so? Then, a few days later, mention that you overheard one of your honey's other friends talking to her husband and saying that she was really annoyed with your woman. Make sure you pick a trait that you actuallyfind annoying about her so that it is aplausible point of annoyance for other people. Then, for about two weeks, any time a few hours goes by without the phone ringing, mention that it sure is quiet around the house when the phone is not constantly ringing. Finally,on D-Day, turn off the incoming calls. (Oh, you need to make sure to turn off her cell phone or accidentally lose it so she can't find it for the days that the house phone is shut off. A quiet weekend will probably work best).

Sit there with an innocent looking face and enjoy the snickers you try to keep to yourself as she starts wondering why no one is calling her. When she sounds particularly worried, remind her that you had heard from so and so that your honey does have a tendency to be...whatever and that she really should change that if she wants to have friends. Watch with unbridled amusement as she gets wackier and wackier as no one calls her for days.

See how long it can go on before she finally figures out what you have done. 


Idea 8: Call Her Mean Names in Front of Her Friends

B*tch PerfumeB*tch Perfume

For this idea, to work, you should choose a special event that is important to her, like a birthday or an anniversary. Go out of your way to be nice and charming, and make a big show of getting her friends together to celebrate her special day. Make sure to invite the friends who are not really friends but friends that she's always competing with and wanting to impress. After dinner, make a big show of making a great toast and announcing what a unique person your wife is.Bring out a lavishly gift-wrapped box. Tell everyone that you couldn’t help thinking of your wife immediately when you saw this present and that you are sure that everyone else would agree that this is perfect for her.Let her open up the beautiful box of B*tch Perfume. And laugh when everyone sees what you got her and act like you think you are the funniest guy on the planet, cuz you are! 


Comments
Aug 3, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Sounds like the guy would be pissing around

Why not just have the affair? You might have a hard time getting off the hook, but you will get off.

Aug 7, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

This sh*t is gay.

This sh*t is gay.

Aug 7, 2006
by Renee (not verified)

Loved this!

Where's everyone's sense of humor? LMAO!

Aug 8, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

You are my hero.

You are my hero.

Aug 9, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Loved the muzzle idea. I

Loved the muzzle idea. I work in an office with a bunch of over-fed femi-nazis who like to gossip & gossip...they never shut up.
Well, silence speaks louder than words. Instead of saying something to them (which to me seems like trying to put out fire with gasoline) I simply held my hands over my ears a few times, just for them to notice.
It almost got me in big trouble as the boss heard about it & nearly sent me to another office. But I'm still here and there is finally peace & quiet.

Aug 13, 2006
by Tonhonis (not verified)

What the hell are you

What the hell are you thinking about?! Is it supposed to be fun? You´re americans have a twisted mind... no wonder EVERYONE else just hate US... you´re all a bunch of selfish who thinks the "american way" just rocks the world... shame on you... I´m sorry to live in the same planet that you do...

Aug 22, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

It is not just "supposed to be fun", it IS fun!

And we think whatever we want! Yes, some Americans are twisted, but at least we have excitement and variety. Not all Americans are selfish, either. It is our culture's emphasis on individualism that makes it look that way....

"Sorry to live in the same planet"??? Tonhonis, I'm guessing Uranus stinks and is the sorry one. You are just jealous.

Me

and Me

and Me, Me, Me, etc.--Made in the U.S.A.

Sep 6, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Dead Bodies?

This sh*t is sick!

Sep 6, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Tohonis - America is the best country in the world

If you live in America and don't like it, leave. If you don't live here, you know you wish you did.

Americans have the best sense of humor.

The American people are also the most generous people. We give more on average than any other person in another country.

And we do rock!!!

Oct 18, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

Yup you do, and credit where

Yup you do, and credit where credit is due.
Stop funding stupid wars and armies... channel your excess $USD into food and welfare for the world... then everyone can eat and be as fat, loud and obnoxious as you americans ;)

I've been to your fabulous country, and seen the bulk of what you have to offer. I'd rather stay in mine thanks. Nuke free and nice and green.

BTW, your sense of humour is pretty sharp. Lets see if you work out whether this reply is taking the piss out of you... or not.

Oct 30, 2006
by STABBURRR (not verified)

Ummm. What does America even

Ummm. What does America even have to do with this site? People piss their girlfriends off all over the world. Come on people, try to act halfway decent to each other.

Nov 15, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

the article

if a guy was calling me degrading names infront of my friendsi would just dump him. i wouldnt put up with this shit

Nov 16, 2006
by Anonymous (not verified)

o.O RIIIIGGGHHHT

wow.. you know some of this stuff really would not piss me off at all. Like waking up with a muzzle on my face. You know I would be like "what the?" but I would probably find it more funny then ever getting mad. Or not getting Jewelry? Meh I really could care less for that.. I mean don't get me wrong I like meh sparkly stuff.. but I really would not expect it. Oooh ooh and my butt is big thankyou! I'm proud of it so the making a womans butt feel big will not work either.

Really there are like two more on the list that really won't upset me either. Maybe it would piss off the "stereo typical woman"? but not me

But Dude.. the dead body thing.. issuse man.. who every does that has lots of issuse and need to see some nice men in white coats and live in a padded room.

Ya.. and this artical is really sad humour attempt....

Mar 11, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

Nationalistic bastard; it's

Nationalistic bastard; it's nice to know you can understand the country's sense of Manifest Destiny. I'm American born, but at least I can understand that America is the least democratic democracy in the world, and one of the biggest comitter of crimes against humanity. Their idealistic bull**** has caused turmoil in so many countries (notably the Socialist South American countries) and their neo-colonialistic tendencies are ripping countries apart.

Most generous country in the world... alright buddy, whatever helps you get to sleep at night.

Mar 11, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

To clarify my above

To clarify my above statement, Americans are not necessarily bad people (as I said, I myself am an American). What I WAS saying is that the American government is one of the worst governments in the world (and that's coming from a man who already really dislikes governments) and to brag that America is God's gift to the world is like a two year old bragging about a college degree; it simply isn't accurate,

Mar 20, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

isnt that kinda harsh???

isnt that kinda harsh??? CALLING HER NAMES IN FRONT OF HER FREINDS??? thats kinda ALL you have to do to make her REALLY mad.........trust me im a girl...........i know this cause its happened to me.................

May 11, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

Murder

I killed my wife last week due to this.

 

AMERICANS SUCK.

May 16, 2007
by KEVIN NORRIS!!!!!!!!!! (not verified)

FAG!

YOUR A FLAMING FAGGOT GO TO HELL AFTER YOU GET THE FUCK UP OUT OUR COUNTRY YOU FUCKING COMMIE BASTARD! THANKS AND HAVE A FUCKING NICE DAY!

May 22, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

hahaha loved the last

hahaha loved the last comment.. its truly amazing how many (not all) americans think the rest of the world is sooo envious of them... :) Well I got some info for ya. The majority of ppl in the world really do like where they live and wouldnt rather swap it for the US.. obviously not including the very poor. But having said that, I'm sure, for example, that someone who's v poor and living in some rundown, poverty-stricken dangerous area of an american city would much rather swap it all to be really rich and living in relative luxury in the average developing country.. Just a few things to think about the next time you decide that everyone wants to be you :)

May 23, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

N/A

Don't you think that an educated discussion might help this a bit?  Not one person said a single direct fact.  Only opinion.  That includes me I realize, but I find the irony somewhat humorous.

Become educated before you flap your mouth.

May 23, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

N/A P.S.

Actually, the previous poster is right.  The U.S. is the third most hated country in the world.  If you don't believe me look at newsweek from the first week of May.  Our neighbors to the North, Canada came out on top I believe.  Oh, and just to respond to all the hate against Americans, hate us if you want.  You are only perpetuating a prejudiced hate that we should be rid of.  Why not meet a few Americans first.  I'm sure you'd like some and hate others.  This is true of any Country though.  Assholes in Britain or Germany or South Africa are no different from assholes in America.  Therefore you shouldn't group America as a whole.  We have great parts to our country which you may never see, but we also have bad parts.  Q.E.D.

If you wish to discuss America's tendency to fuel wars, just let me know.  I'd be happy to discuss both sides of an arguement.

May 24, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

If you hate the US so bad,

If you hate the US so bad, then dont go to an American website and keep your tounge in your mouth since you hate what America stands for. Go live under that rock you call a contry.

Jun 1, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

Ideas to Piss your woman Off

The subject is about the author's opinions to "rekindle" your relationship through humour not about Worldwide politics.  

Jun 17, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

USA Is number one........everything else is just a toy! LOL

We are better than you in every way imaginable!! As Americans, all that we do, and say is right! And we do whatever want to whom ever we want at all times! Our country is much better than wherever it is your from. Our culture is far supperior to that of your own, and 't stand to live on the same planet as you! Tongue out

Aug 28, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

Your "humorous" tactics are

Your "humorous" tactics are uncomfortably close to the kinds of crap that real abusers pull. In fact, there is one type of emotional abuse in which the abuser does something cruel and then claims that it was "just a joke" and berates the victim for "not having a sense of humor."

The fact that you think these suggestions are "funny" makes me think you're a creep.

I pity any woman who is involved with you, and if you have a current girlfriend or wife, I hope she wises up to your unworthiness and finds someone who treats her like a human being instead of like an object to perform psychological experiments on.

Nov 1, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

feminists suck

ha. the person below me is an ignorant feminist bitch. way to take a joke, dyke.

Nov 6, 2007
by Anonymous (not verified)

I definitely agree with you

I definitely agree with you there

Feb 7, 2008
by Anonymous (not verified)

It is pretty ovbious that

It is pretty ovbious that the author of this article has had bad experiences with women, and it looks like it is single and lonely. Poor guy, he needs to get laid soon!!!!!! since you don't know how to get a woman to love you, have you tried men yet???? Give it a try buddy!

Apr 14, 2008
by Anonymous

quick bet here

how much do you wanna bet that the author is divorced at least once?

Apr 16, 2008
by Anonymous

Ummm

This article is really stupid and not funny at all.