10 Easy Ways to Not Get Dumped

Are you a walking self improvement project?

If you ask your gal, your mom or your sister, she'll probably answer "yes".

Why is it that so many women think that their guy is some type of makeover challenge? Why do they feel it is their God-given mission to try to change their men? If you ask any woman, I am positive that none of them will have any difficulty listing the million and one things that are wrong with their guy. If you ask nicely, they'll even give you a progress report on how they are doing on their "improvement project".

It's been my experience that women always yabber on about wanting to fix you, so I mostly ignore them. But when the constant fussing becomes increasingly strident and reaches the point that she is threatening to walk out of your life, it's probably time to pay some attention to what she is saying.

Now, if you have already considered whether you really want her in your life and you decide that you DO want to save your relationship, then I have some great suggestions for you.

Here's my helpful list of the 10 Easy Ways to Not Get Dumped or 10 Ways to Fix Yourself Without Really Changing:

10. Complaint: You Never Hold Hands or Show Enough Affection

Self Improvement Solution: Forced Hand Holding Two-in-One Smittens

Some women have a need to be affectionate...constantly. They always want to hold hands or otherwise touching you in some way. If you find that difficult and you would rather only touch when you are getting down to business, you and your girl may have some serious conflicts about this.

If it's not in your nature to seek her hand, these Holding Hand Mittens may be perfect for you. If you go out with your mate and it's cold outside, you have the choice of catching frostbite and losing your fingers or holding hands with her. Given those choices, you are likely to hold hands a lot more often than you used to. Of course, I would quickly hide the Smittens if anyone can see you. Frostbite is way better than looking like some whipped loser. (Self improvement product here.)

9. Complaint: You Never Get Her Anything Pretty

Self-Improvement Solution: Buy Her Some Pink and Sparkly Dish-Washing Gloves

No matter how generous and thoughtful you are to your mate, it's my experience that your woman won't be satisfied. Women always want more.

If your woman frequently complains that you always get her practical gifts and that she wants something fun and pretty, this may be the answer to your problems. (Frankly, she should just be grateful she got anything at all, but that's the topic for another article.)

Dish-washing gloves are normally for washing dishes and if you are being practical, there is no need for them to be pretty. But if she is insisting that you stop being so practical, and she keeps mooning for something sparkly that she can show off to her friends and use brag about how thoughtful you are, these silly concoction of pink, fur and baubles should really do the trick. You think she'll be happy now? (Self improvement product here.)

8. Complaint: You Drink Way Too Much

Self-Improvement Solution: Cover Up Your Drinking with Beer Can Wrappers

Does your girl constantly nag you about drinking too much? Does she glower at you every time you pick up a beer can? Does she pointedly ask "Are you drinking another one?" with that shrewish, I swallowed a lemon look on her face? Well, here's a way to argue no more!

It's so easy to use these Hide-A-Beer Can Wrappers and they are available in all the popular soda flavors. Just cover up your beer can with these beauties and she'll think you're just drinking a pop. Just make sure that you pick a flavor she hates so she won't be tempted to take a sip. Perhaps you should also get some from your friends so you can all drink some soda together. (Self improvement product here.)

7. Complaint: You Never Admit It When You Have a Problem

Self-Improvement Solution: Announce Your Problems to the World with Revealing Car Decals

If you're like me, you tend to keep your problems to yourself (or admit them only in an anonymous blog). But for some unfathomable reason, women always want you to talk out loud about something you'd rather keep to yourself. They always want to share and then when you share, all hell breaks loose.

Women are constantly asking "What are you thinking?" and "How are you feeling?" After haranguing you with questions until you finally give up and talk about something just to get her to quit bugging you, you end up with more problems. If you tell her something, she's quickly onto her next "recording" about why you never admit it when you have a problem and that the first step in fixing your problem is to talk about it with others. For me and for most men, I think the best way to not have a problem is to ignore it.

But if your gal insists that you talk openly about whatever secret you have, and she tells you that you need to be more open about things, I think these Car Decals should shut her up. They come with lots of handy pre-printed messages so just go and choose your special problem to announce to the world. Now, everyone in the world will know your shameful secret. You think she'll be happy now? (Self improvement product here .)

6. Complaint: You Fart Too Much

Self-Improvement Solution: Clean Up The Air with the Flatulence Deodorizer

I don't know any man that does not have this problem in some form or another. I think it's all the beer. I am rather proud of them, especially the really loud ones, but my wife is embarrassed by them.

If you need to freshen the air around you, you should try the flatulence deodorizer. It may not look like much, but that's the point. No one is supposed to know you are wearing what the merchant describes as "an activated charcoal cloth pad that is worn taped inside the underwear next to the buttocks."

Now, all you have to do is figure out how to manage the noise and you should be good to let one rip. Now, even if she hears you, since there's no stink, you can just tell her she's just hearing things. How fun is that going to be? (Self improvement product here.)

5. Complaint: You Can't Rise to the Occasion

Self-Improvement Solution: Bring Sexy Back with a Ring to Hold Your Viagra

With the daily stresses and demands of life, as well as the fact that you've been with her a million times; sex is just not as exciting a proposition as it once was.

We all have occasions where we are not up to dancing in the sheets. If she is incessantly yanking at you to do it (while she sits there looking at you with green face cream on her mug), and you would still rather do it with her than get yourself a younger fresher model, then I have the solution. It's a magical little blue pill hidden discreetly in a nice looking ring. The travel ring ensures that no matter where you are, your ready, when she's ready to go. Not even she needs to know that you're not the man you used to be. (Se l f improvement product here .)

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4. Complaint: You Never Hear Her When She's Talking

Self-Improvement Solution: Improve Your Hearing with the Bionic Ear Amplifier

The most likely reason you never hear her is because you are intentionally ignoring her, but if that's not the case or if you want to pretend that that's not the true reason, buy yourself the Bionic Ear. You can show it off to her and use it as a prop to tell her that with this amazing noise amplifier, you will finally be able to hear all of the painful details of why Cindy needs liposuction and why Joanna is jealous of Cindy.

Isn't it interesting how the sad little hearing aid can sound so manly and appealing when it's called "bionic". What's really great is that once you get this product, you can shut it off when you don't want to hear what she has to say, and then blame it on the gadget. Cool, huh? (Self improvement product here.)

3. Complaint: You Always Look Like a Mess

Self-Improvement Solution: Trim Your Hair Daily with Flowbee Hair Vacuum

It's hard for most men to even get up the enthusiasm to brush their teeth everyday. Frankly, I think if women were not around, some of us would do it ...umm ... after all our teeth fell out. Given the inherent laziness that we males have about how well groomed we are, many of us do tend to get a bit shabby looking.

Of course, your woman probably wants you to bathe and shave and get a haircut way too often for comfort. To me, a man looks a bit suspicious if he's too well trimmed. But if your mate is nagging you constantly to get a look like some freshly shorn male model, you may score a lot of points by getting your hair trimmed more than once a year.

The Flowbee is a way to avoid having to drag yourself to the barber and wasting your money on some stupid haircut. Now, you can do it with very little pain or inconvenience. Who knows, you may even be able to convince her to use it. Won't that make her excited? (Self improvement product here.)

2. Complaint: You Never Tell Her You Love Her

Self-Improvement Solution: Display Your Love 24 by 7 with Flashing Sweetheart Light

I don't know what it is with women. Why is it that they need to be told again and again and again and again that you love them? Why oh why is it that telling them once or even a few times a year is not enough?

For my wife, and for millions of women like her, if five minutes goes by without me saying I love her, she starts wondering. And wondering is no good, because then she'll start thinking. And thinking can be disastrous as she could start thinking of more ways to fix me! I spend a lot of time getting her to think about anything but me.

Also, saying "I Love You" all the time is exhausting. Never-mind the fact that I always feel like some weepy, little boy clinging to his mommy when I say it. It's just not manly!

Well, with this device (that is manly in that sort of macho tech way), you will rarely have to say those mushy words again. Now, every time she asks, you can just point to the flashing heart you just spent your weekend soldering for her with manly tools. If she presses you, yell "It's still flashing, ain't it?" and glare at her real macho and gruff as you say it. It's sure to make her hot, don't you think? ((Self improvement product here.)

1. Complaint: You're Always Missing the Toilet

Self-Improvement Solution: Pee with the Light Up Toilet Seat

Ugh, if I had a dollar every time a woman has chewed me out for peeing on the toilet seat, I'd have hmm let me think, ... twenty dollars.

Well, you know the drill guys. It's dark, you're sleepy and you've got to go. It's so much easier to just keep your eyes closed and hope for the best as you guide yourself in the general direction of the toilet. Of course, you risk one pissed off woman and some snarky comments about a wet seat the next morning. (Get is, pissed?) But it's not like you can help it, right?

Well, now you have an easy way to avoid the problem. With this LED Self-Glowing Toilet Seat, it will serve as a beacon for you to follow to your much needed release. What's also helpful is that even with your eyes closed, you will have a better sense of where to shoot. (Self improvement product here.)

Even though you think you're pretty great just as you are, you may need to change in order to find or keep a loved one in your life. Rather than really changing, I think with the help of these 10 great products, you can stay perfect and still give your woman the illusion that they are making progress on their "improvement project". Brilliant, no?

Remember, one fool's wacky is another fool's cool.

Amused and Bemused
InventorSpot.com