InventorSpot

Have you ever seen a kid so dirty you wish you could just tie him up to a tree and spray him down? Or perhaps the kid in question is too young for such measures, so you think about grabbing the child by the shoulders (neck?) and repeatedly dipping him into a warm tub filled with soapy water. Unfortunately, the modern tub is too big to accommodate little tykes safely for either method. Thankfully, the United States Patent Office once again comes to the rescue of American families everywhere.

Mother's Day is around the corner. What better time is there to honor the women who give us life and who make up the cornerstones of psychoanalysis? That's why I'm recommending the following five patents as perfect, non-traditional gift ideas for your mom - whether you like her or not. C'mon dude, she had you!

Sudden cardiac arrest (SCA) is responsible for more deaths every year than AIDS, breast cancer, lung cancer and stroke combined. If the heart is not defibrillated (therapeutically shocked) within a few minutes, the victim dies. Imagine how difficult it is to reach the victims of SCA in time to save their lives.

But, suppose we each carried our own personal defibrillator, say it was a feature of our cell phones?

The advancements of the last thirty years have raised the invention stakes for everyone. What's wrong with that, you ask? Nothing, except that this often results in the less creative among us churning out mediocre or bad ideas when they could be doing something much more productive, like removing shopping carts from the parking lot at a local Wal-Mart! In my opinion, the following two patented inventions illustrate this point exactly.

If you have ever wondered what you'd look like with a different makeup scheme, a radically different hairstyle or, well, say something a bit more unusual - the creators of Taaz.com can help you.

United States patent D301835 enables the psychosexual slackers among us to complete the oral fixation stage anytime we want, or simply prolong it for as long as we like.

Sometimes, it's the simplest invention ideas that are most successful. Melvin Eaker and Dan Cooper, the founders of E&C Manufacturing, are hoping their Sodamatic Vending Machine will fit into that category.

Instead of dispensing a single can or bottle of soda or water, the vending machine doles out 12 packs. That can come in pretty handy for folks having get togethers or those who just want an ample supply of caffeine or water without having to actually run into a store.

Spring is here with all its usual markers: flowers, grass, pollen and hay fever! If you are looking for a handy, inexpensive, and green - as in reusable, not the color of mucus - way to blow your nose this season look no further. United States patent 7013494 promises to be easy on your face, your wallet and the environment.

Who among us doesn't like some action in bed? Naturally, we all do. But there's action, then there's ACTION. If you're more the "ACTION" type then United States patent 7,137,881 the Quantum Sleeper, is just the thing for you because it brings a sort of Sopranos' style edginess to the notion of a good night's sleep.

Gnats, mosquitoes, field mice, ants, and all manner of creepy crawlies are just as interested in your summer activities as you are. In the past, the most effective protection against these tiny critters was to slather yourself with some deet or paraben laden lotion only to find you had traded one set of problems: bug bites, for another: cancer. Well those days of compromise are over thanks to United States patent 6647661.

I like United States patent 4455816, because it works on the principle that kids aren't just those little people you love and drive to and from soccer practice, they are also the source of a largely untapped and expensive - the average cost to raise a child in America until the age of 18 is around $200,000 - labor pool.

History is littered with attempts at aviation, performed by people eager to soar as high and as gracefully as birds. One flying machine was inspired by birds so much that its inventor named his creation after one. L'Albatros artificiel, or the Artificial Albatross, was a glider invented by Jean-Marie Le Bris in 1856.

There is no religious holiday of more importance to a Christian than Easter. To this end, some inventors wish to provide believers with helpful symbols and trinkets to assist or focus their faith. Then there are the others: inventors who capitalize on - exploit? - this kind of solemnity with their own particular tacky take on the holiday. In my opinion, the following patents illustrate this point exactly. What do you think?

The following are my picks for the best St. Patrick's day ever, with a few post-St. Patrick's day reconciliation-style inventions thrown in for good measure.

I can show you how the United States Patent Office is working to insure you'll get your St. Patrick's Day party on this year with three good times patents!

This year, if you plan to mark St. Patrick's Day in the usual way, that is, somewhere other than church, then I've found the perfect accessory for you.

As many of you no doubt know, we here in Colorado are blessed with some of the best skiing on earth. Unfortunately, great skiing has a tendency to leave the winter enthusiast with an insatiable desire for more thrills.