My boss has been really been bugging me lately. I think I spend more of my day thinking about how to avoid him than I spend working on the stuff he needs from me.
So, for this week's article, I had the bright idea of giving you some sage advice on the types of bosses you need to avoid. The chances of someone getting a great boss are about as slim as my man-boobs suddenly changing into rippling pecs, so I thought this idea would be helpful to many.
I don't know about you, but when I think about bosses, it makes me think of asses, and when I think of asses, I think of ___holes, and without fail, when I think of ___holes, I think of toilets. How about you?
So here's my advice on the 10 Types of Bosses You Should Avoid, as demonstrated with the help of toilets:
10. Avoid the Boss That Has No Personal Life
This boss suffers from "everyone should suffer like me" syndrome.
There are bosses out there that have little in their lives besides work and don't respect the fact that others do. To avoid facing the empty and joyless lives they have, they typically glorify work as if it's the only thing worth doing. These bosses will not hesitate to ask you to work on Poker Night or cancel your family vacation to Vegas. You can tell you have one of these bosses if you see them running to the crapper, bringing along a memo to read, so they don't miss a second of work time.
If you have one of these work all the time types, go find a new boss or watch your life dry up like dog poop in the sun. (toilet here)
9. Avoid the Boss That Wants to Piss All Over You
Between A Woman's Legs Toilet This boss suffers from "if I am nasty, no one will notice I am stupid" syndrome.
There are bosses out there who don't know how to say "thank you" or "great job". Silent when you perform and deliver well, they are the first to publicly berate you with a warm stream of criticism for the slightest goof or mistake. Fearful of being discovered for the failures that they are, they will leap at the chance to make others look bad. Showers of abuse are what they provide.
If you have one of these full of piss bosses, leave them or your self-respect will become smaller than the nuts of a man who just joined with the ice swimming Polar Bears club. (toilet here)
8. Avoid the Boss That Constantly Clowns Around
Clown Toilet This boss suffers from "I am a laughing fool" syndrome.
When you first meet this type of boss, you'll think they're great. You love the idea of having a fun boss to work with at first. Only when you've been with them a while do you realize that they are having too much fun to do any work. They are the ones spending all their work hours looking for a new gag to play or titillating gossip to spread around. Since they have little time to actually do their jobs, you will end up staying late every night to finish up their work.
If you have a joker for a boss, you need to run far away from that circus. (toilet here)
7. Avoid the Boss That Struggles to Stay Afloat
Fish-N-Flush ToiletThis boss suffers from "I am drowning in my own incompetence" syndrome.
Some managers are merely around to prove that the Peter Principle (that you get promoted until you get a job you can't do well and get stuck there) is alive and well in corporate America. Clueless as to how to do their job and afraid to admit it, they are always looking for someone to save them.
Watch out as these bosses will surely cover up their incompetence by taking credit for your work and quickly toss you over to explain away their missed deadlines and bad decisions.
If you have one these bosses, don't keep throwing them a life raft. Just let them flail around until they run out of energy and let them drown. (toilet here)
6. Avoid the Boss That Constantly Blows His Own Horn
Musical Instrument ToiletThis boss suffers from "if I say I am great enough times, it'll be true" syndrome.
These bosses believe that if no one is saying anything nice about them, they should fill the void by creating loud fanfare about themselves.
They are usually the ones who will tell you that the company can't survive without them. Needing constant polishing and buffing, they surround themselves with people who will support their delusions of grandeur. You can tell you have one of these bosses, if it feels like you are expected to start a parade every time they successfully go to the bathroom.
If you have one of these bosses, tell them that you will no longer be part of the show and a member of their failing band. (toilet here)
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