Wacky Ways to Lose Weight
Working on my article on Weight Loss Gadgets for the Lazy and Unmotivated last week, I came upon some really unusual ways people try to lose weight.
Here are my picks for some of the wackiest products people use to try to lose a few pounds:
Sweat Yourself Skinny
This vinyl sauna suit is a 2 piece heavy-duty suit made of vinly that is designed to retain body heat. It seems that vinly is an "effective sweat aid which uses natural body heat generated from any type of low or intensive high-energy physical exercise to increase perspiration during your work out." According to the merchant, this vinyl suit helps with the "DEHYDRATION PROCESS" through which "perspiration stimulates the entire body, thus helping to rid the body of excess water weight gain, and evenly melt... away unwanted body fat." To me, dehydration hardly sounds healthy. Isn't that how people die?
One of the features of the suit is that it "Wipes clean with damp cloth". All I can think is peeeu youuu! Can you just imagine how that suit would smell after just one use? I guess I should have called this section "stink yourself skinny" instead. (See Weight Loss Product.)
Wash Yourself Skinny
Well, after creating a stink in your vinyl sweat suit, you'll need to clean yourself up.
AOQILI is a unique weight loss soap that the merchant says is made from "the elixirs of undersea plants, including rare seaweed." The merchant goes on to say that "the unique qualities are its defeating agents which penetrate to the subcutaneous layer to assist in the elimination of fat layers. It contains many kinds of trace elements, vitamins and minerals, which reduce the accumulation of series fluid and estrange the skin. Given some time, you will be surprised to find that your body has become slender ... Even when used on highly sensitive skin, it causes neither stimulation nor ache. ... It makes your weight control simple, convenient,and relaxed." (See Weight Loss Product)
I love the idea of losing weight but am not sure I want to feel "defeated". It's one of the few times when losing is supposed to feel good, right? I wonder what the english challenged merchant was actually trying to say. Any guesses?
Caffeine Yourself Skinny
Well, when you feel defeated and down, it's a pretty sure bet that caffeine will help pick you back up.
I understand that moderate doses of caffeine boost the metabolism, thereby helping our bodies fight our tendency to get fat.
Here's an ingenious way of getting your needed fix of caffeine...wear it.
Palmers “Slim Fit 20” caffeine tights helps "trim inches from thighs, reduces the appearance of cellulite and reduce[s] the dreaded “orange peel” effect."
The merchant explains that the way the tights work is that body heat releases caffeine microcapsules into the leg, thus promoting the metabolism to kick in and start burning the fat. (See Weight Loss Product.)
I would much rather just drink caffeine to get skinny (preferably in the form of a tall mochaccino with extra whipped cream), rather than have to wear some binding tights that are sure to squeeze my manly parts a bit too tightly. Shoot, if I needed help looking good and making my legs look oh so pretty, all I need would be a great looking tan to help hide the pudge spots.
Tan Yourself Skinny
The merchant for this Get Skinny As You Tan products which is appropriately named "Ray of Hope" asks in their marketing materials "Want the ‘outside’ skinny?"
I think that's a ridiculous question. What type of marketing drivel is that? Is there a difference between being fat on the outside versus the inside? Who would need their product if all it was going to make people look obese on the outside and skinny on the inside? No one need a product that helps them make their outside fat! For goodness sakes, all of us fat people in America are trying to find the cure for that!
The merchant goes on to say "It's a two-in-one. A tan and tone. A sun and slim. ...This new water-resistant broad spectrum sunscreen actually helps you fight the look of fat while lying on the beach! With exclusive sun-activated spheres that release the visual slimming effect of caffeine molecules when you need them most— while baring the better part of your birthday suit in the sun—in a non-greasy spray formula of hydrating antioxidants and aloe." (See Weight Loss Product via Diet-Blog.)
To me, "sun-activated spheres that release the visually slimming effect" sounds alot like gases that create delusions. My translation of this marketing mumbo jumbo is sniff a noseful and you'll believe you are skinny.
Spray Yourself Skinny
If sniffing "sun-activated spheres" doesn't make you believe you are skinny, you may want to try sniffing something else. (Hehe.)
The SLIMist weight loss spray program has 'two distinct components - an intra oral spray and three scent inhalers, called Scentsifiers" to help you get skinny. The merchants for this products says that the "SLIMist spray formulation is a combination of three of the most thoroughly researched weight loss ingredients over the past 30 years. ...These three ingredients are hydroxycitric acid (HCA), chromium and levocarnitine (L-Carnitine)."(See Weight Loss Product.)
Basically, I think you are supposed to spray this on your body and you will lose your appetite. I figure a good whiff of the sauna sweat suit would probably make you lose your appetite too.
Lick Your Lips Skinny
If sniffing sprays does not alleviate your constant hunger pangs, maybe the constantly licking your lips until you look like the scarier than the original version of Ronald McDonald will do the trick.
PROMISE is a lip product that is supposed to help you get skinny. The merchant says that PROMISE is "applied to the lips of people that are snacking and picking at food or tempted to eat large meals. When the urge to snack or have a large meal strikes... Apply liberally to your lips. Use it as often as necessary. It 'helps' curb your appetite. A weight management tool. You can use it as often as you like." (See Weight Loss Product via Diet-Blog).
All I can think is that even if you are skinnier, going around with your tongue hanging out of your mouth constantly licking your lips will probably make you look like a version of the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. Frankly, I would much rather be fat than look foolish drooling all the time.
Writing about licking my lips has gotten me thinking about all the foods that make my mouth drool. I think I need to go get me some crispy fried chicken with mashed potatoes drowning in hot gravy. All this weight loss talk is making me hungry. You too?
Amused and Bemused