Do you need to lose weight?
I do. Desperately!
I gave up the idea of having a flat stomach when I understood that men with flat stomachs do not get to eat lots of ice cream. Since I believe that life's too short to deny yourself a nice hot funge sundae with extra nuts, I wisely gave up the fantasy of a tight six-pack belly for the reality of a belly that has clearly had more than six-packs.
I struggle daily to avoid the dreaded feeling of my gut hanging like a top heavy muffin over my too tight trousers and belt. But I admit, it's a losing battle (get it? losing battle ...heh heh).
Well, with our advances in technology, I was thinking there's got to be a better way to lose weight and keep it off than the boring old formula of eating less and exercising more. Come on already, aren't we beyond that yet?!
With a little bit of late night research, I discovered that there ARE some new inventions to help folks who are inherently lazy get skinny.
Here are some great fitness machines for folks like me who want to be slim, but also want to get slim while chomping on our super-sized bag of Doritos and watching our favorite game on TV:
Lose Weight by Sitting Around
By using the Hula Chair, you can lose weight on your fat a$$ by just sitting on your fat a$$ all day long.
The merchant for this weight loss product says that the Hula Chair is "the biggest sensation in Japan! ... Experience better overall health with our patented Hula Chair. This modern miracle combines the best of ancient traditional Chinese medicine with 21st century space-age technology. Improve your balance and coordination as it gently aligns your spine and improves blood circulation. You’ll love how it feels as it works out your abs and mid-section. And there’s no better way to warm up for any activity. You’ll never experience a more pleasurable workout! Simply sit upright in the Hula Chair, press the button and let its elliptical motion work wonders on your body. (See Weight Loss Product Here.)
Lose Weight by Lying Down
Luxury Hypoxi is a way you can lose weight while you lie down and relax. Now, that's the kind of exercise I can do well and do for hours at a time.
The merchant for this weight loss product says that the Hypoxi L250 is the "pioneering active inch loss therapy that targets fat burn from the lower body whilst the client gently trains in a comfortable reclined position." It's a lot of words but I did pay attention to the phrase "reclined position" which means lying down.
"At the heart of the L250 is Hypoxi's unique vacuum chamber. Through a combination of alternating vacuum therapy, an integrated lounger for the client to relax on and a bicycle ergometer so that gentle exercise can be undertaken, the L250 promotes targeted inch loss and increased lymphatic drainage from the lower body..., [this is] an experience more like.. spa therapy than a form of exercise. (UPDATE: This item no longer available. You will have to find your own perfect lazy person's Weight Loss Product Here.)
Lose Weight by Jerking Around... With Some Strings
With Handy Trim Pocket Gym, you can sit around all day jerking around... spinning around some string.
The merchant for this weight loss products says "We don't claim the HandyTrim will turn you into a muscleman overnight, but if you develop a fairly regular routine (between three and five times a day for five minutes a time is recommended by the inventors) you should soon see the effects on your upper body."
I think five minutes sounds like the right level of exertion for me. Spinning some string sounds like a fair trade for being able to eat a big sizzling steak with a piping hot buttered baked potato with sour cream, chives and bacon every time I do it. (Or maybe I should do some skinny fires to go with my new skinnier physique?) Hey folks, they only ask for five minutes a day! It takes me longer than that to chew a big mouthful of steak. (UPDATE: This item no longer available. You will have to find your own perfect lazy person's Weight Loss Product Here.)
Lose Weight by Standing Around
With the Power Plate, you can stand around on their machine and let them shake you skinny. Basically, you can jiggle your jiggles away.
The merchant for this weight loss product says that the "Power Plate is one of the most unique fitness ...devices on the market today. Advanced Vibration Technology ...stimulate[s] enhanced muscle strength and performance. The Power Plate produces a vibration through which energy is transferred to the body. This mechanical stimulus produces a stretch reflex which, depending on the frequency, results in rapid and intense muscle contractions 30-50 times per second." So basically, all you got to do is stand there and let this contraption shake you. I don't know what kind of headache you'll get but I think the idea of my body moving while I just have to stand there is pretty darn appealing. (UPDATE: This item no longer available. You will have to find your own perfect lazy person's Weight Loss Product Here.)
Lose Weight by Watching TV
I LOVE my TV! The idea of being able to watch TV as I lose weight sounds pretty good to me. With EnterTRAINING, the idea is that you can watch TV and use your TV to motivate you to exercise.
The merchant for this weight loss product says that "EnterTRAINING turns your TV into your own personal trainer. If you are not exercising hard enough, the TV volume goes down. If you don't get back on track, the TV turns off until you do." EnterTRAINING is a "method for motivating fitness. It employs electronic entertainment as a reward system for cardio target zone training performance while using The EnterTRAINER. The more desirable the reward (TV show, music, video game) the more motivated you are to maintain your cardio target."
For me, this sounds like a bit more work than I am willing to do because I Iike watching my TV with some salty crunch snack by my side and a nice soft seat for my bum, but I am including it just in case you are one of those people that can do exercise given the proper motivation. For me, I think I would rather watch the blank screen, so I am not sure it would work for me. (UPDATE: This item no longer available. You will have to find your own perfect lazy person's Weight Loss Product Here.)
Well, I think I have proven with these new innovations that the "fitness experts" always popping out the veins on their neck telling you to watch what you eat and exercise will quickly go the way of the dinosaur. Given the choice, I don't know many of my fellow couch potato-ers who wouldn't just rather buy and use one of these lazy friendly products.
As for me, I am definitely going to try these products out while I wait patiently for inventors to come up with a fitness machine that makes me lose weight by drinking beer and telling bad jokes. But given these recent discoveries, I am now confident enough in my ability to do what it takes to lose weight to go and have a few more ice cream sundaes.
Amused and Bemused