InventorSpot

The following are my picks for the best St. Patrick's day ever, with a few post-St. Patrick's day reconciliation-style inventions thrown in for good measure.

Is there anyone left who doesn't think the only thing better than traveling by air is having his or her wisdom teeth pulled? Do any of you suspect America is in fact a class based system and not an egalitarian one? If you have any doubts at all about such things United States patent 6329919 should put your doubts to rest once and for all.

Polly want a cracker? Unfortunately, it'll make Polly poop all over your house the minute you let her out of her cage! If you love your little bird and want to let it fly free all over your house from time-to-time, then I've got a patent that should serve as a happy compromise for you both.

Have you ever seen a kid so dirty you wish you could just tie him up to a tree and spray him down? Or perhaps the kid in question is too young for such measures, so you think about grabbing the child by the shoulders (neck?) and repeatedly dipping him into a warm tub filled with soapy water. Unfortunately, the modern tub is too big to accommodate little tykes safely for either method. Thankfully, the United States Patent Office once again comes to the rescue of American families everywhere.

Mother's Day is around the corner. What better time is there to honor the women who give us life and who make up the cornerstones of psychoanalysis? That's why I'm recommending the following five patents as perfect, non-traditional gift ideas for your mom - whether you like her or not. C'mon dude, she had you!

The advancements of the last thirty years have raised the invention stakes for everyone. What's wrong with that, you ask? Nothing, except that this often results in the less creative among us churning out mediocre or bad ideas when they could be doing something much more productive, like removing shopping carts from the parking lot at a local Wal-Mart! In my opinion, the following two patented inventions illustrate this point exactly.

United States patent D301835 enables the psychosexual slackers among us to complete the oral fixation stage anytime we want, or simply prolong it for as long as we like.

Spring is here with all its usual markers: flowers, grass, pollen and hay fever! If you are looking for a handy, inexpensive, and green - as in reusable, not the color of mucus - way to blow your nose this season look no further. United States patent 7013494 promises to be easy on your face, your wallet and the environment.

Who among us doesn't like some action in bed? Naturally, we all do. But there's action, then there's ACTION. If you're more the "ACTION" type then United States patent 7,137,881 the Quantum Sleeper, is just the thing for you because it brings a sort of Sopranos' style edginess to the notion of a good night's sleep.

Gnats, mosquitoes, field mice, ants, and all manner of creepy crawlies are just as interested in your summer activities as you are. In the past, the most effective protection against these tiny critters was to slather yourself with some deet or paraben laden lotion only to find you had traded one set of problems: bug bites, for another: cancer. Well those days of compromise are over thanks to United States patent 6647661.